It's Happening Again. I'm Hopeless

TW; self-harm, alcohol, mental and emotional trauma

The abuse is happening again.

For those who know me, or who saw my community spotlight, you know what I’m talking about. For those who don’t, I was victim of an onslaught of awful rumors and pure hatred that it made me just want to cease to exist. That’s the stripped down version at least.

But it’s happening again. After not having to deal with it for almost 3 years, it’s back again. People are starting up the rumors again. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s a lot more serious than the likes of a schoolyard rumor. Like, I’m highly considering legal action. I’m stuck. The urges to drink are coming back. The urges to hurt myself are coming back. I haven’t felt this low in such a long time that it’s honestly terrifying me to the point where I can’t even sleep. The amount of emotional and mental trauma that just got thrown back into my head so suddenly is honestly extremely overwhelming that I’m surprised I can even type properly.

I know the easy thing to say is to “just ignore it”, but I can’t. I’m so broken and damaged from all these people and events that for everything to hit at once like it did just f*cking wrecked any mental stability I had. I’m at a loss what to do. All I’ve done so far is just cry and sit in my bedroom because that’s all I have the energy to do. I feel hopeless. Like this is never going to end. Like I’m stuck in some sort of endless cycle of abuse and torment that I’ll never be able to escape from because people seem to have a personal vendetta against me for whatever reason.

I’m lost. I need help.

@RyanSummers well done for coming to the wall - I was just thinking about you the other day!
I don’t know the situation you’re going through right now, but I think you should do what YOU feel is right. I’m not sure how much you know of my story, but I struggle with substance abuse and self-harm too, so I understand how hard it is to resist the cravings and the thoughts that they can put in your head when you don’t feed them. Sometimes “just ignore it” doesn’t work, especially when it’s something so serious. Your mental stability hasn’t been “wrecked” it’s just right now, you are in a position where you’re going through something traumatic and you need extra support. You don’t have to be stuck in this cycle of abuse and torment. If there is action you know you can take against these things, then with the help of the people you love and trust, do so. You’re an amazing part of this community and we are all here to help in any way we can. I know it sucks, but keep fighting those urges. Right now, the only thing getting me through mine is the people I trust calling me out on my behaviour and not giving me that permission to go and self-harm or get high. You find whatever it takes to get you through those urges. If it’s posting in the discord/on the wall every time, then do so. If it’s reaching out to a certain person, then do so. You’re not alone, we are all here and we love you.

Hold Fast
Kayla

@RyanSummers You’re such a strong person for looking for help. Although I don’t know anything about you or your story I would like to help you. I have struggled all my life with the opinions of other people, letting them guide me into a path that was not for me. I’ve survived sexual abuse and most recently suicidal thoughts, It’s a dark place where is hard to find a way out but you just hang in there. Most of my life I’ve felt lost . One practical advice I can give you is to do things, as dumb it sounds, in order to get out that downward spiral you’re in you must get out of bed or get out of your house and do something, exercise, hang out with a friend, do something you enjoy and most importantly be open about the things you’re going through, I’ts not easy but you won’t know how many people is willing to help you until you talk about it. There is always a way and things will be better and I know that because I’ve been in a dark place too. You’re more strong than you know.

You are not alone, friend. If you have the courage to write on here, I don’t believe you are completely hopeless. Keep hope, and don’t trust the knife. Self-harm will not always be there, and you are worthy of living without being hurt. Believe that.

“Each and every one of us has a fire that burns inside us. They can try like hell to put it out…but as long as we know in our minds who we are meant to be, they will never stand a chance.” - Andy Biersack

Hey @RyanSummers ,

Friend I am so very sorry that you have to fight this battle; it truly pains me that people have to go through these things and that some people can be so terrible. I would highly encourage you to seek legal assistance in this because not everything is fixable by just ignoring it.

When it gets to these levels ignoring it is not going to solve the problem and I am proud of you for acknowledging that.

I’m proud of you for posting and this is not taken for granted.

Friend you are deeply loved and cherished; you do not deserve this pain- no one does.

It sickens me that such occurrences happen so much- I have a close friend who struggles with this as well and it pains me to see it keep happening.

You are not alone, we are here for you no matter what. We believe in you.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)