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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to a 45 by Shinedown
It’s hard to talk about how I am feeling cuz there’s way too much, and it’s way too complicated. Just that I’m a stop lossed for a whole year OIF vet and someone from my hometown died from my unit. He was one of three from here. A truck hit him that was made in our hometown and killed him on base. He’s buried within eyesight of my birth house. On a monument in my childhood neighborhood, of which my daughter happens to live in now with her mom and step dad and shit. I hate living in this city, like I feel sort of rocked to the core, to my birth, cursed. I came home from Iraq on the 4th of July 2005. When I got back he died before I could tell him about my trip. I just swallowed it and took ied hits on my missions. Fast forward a few years and a gf at the time told me I should have died in Iraq. I was stunned. Fast forward few more years and I was having a girl with a new girlfriend. I made a promise to myself to be a good dad and be there for her. Not a truck driver or something. Her mom didn’t understand me and left me. I’ve felt hopeless losing out on first memories and having that bond of always living together and being a family.
Then some lady rear ends me and now I have cervical spinal stenosis and got fired and I’m living on va disability. My sister argued with my mom and there’s no Thanksgiving this year apparently. My daughters mom told me today she has covid so I won’t be seeing my daughter.
No one understands why I wanna hang myself from that flagpole sometimes at the memorial like a poetic end to my pathetic existence. But here I am. Angry and telling the devil to fuck off again today. Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. As an OEF vet I know the struggles of coming back and adjusting back to civilian life, and the loss that we all experience downrange is something that most people will never have the unfortunate chance of understanding it firsthand. Surviving one of the worst wars in modern history only to get taken out by some person in a vehicle can feel like the ultimate defeat. But here you are. You are alive to live another day for your daughter and those close to you. If you ever need an ear, please feel free to reach out on our forums and I’ll be there. Support 22 Project is another great place for us to reach out to for help, as well. Again, if you need anything, I’m here brother. Bleed green and run it back, you got this!
Let me start this off by saying thank you. I know that what you’ve shared is not easy to talk about. I also know how difficult it can be to think that resolution and peace will never come. Yet despite these difficulties you’ve shared, here you are. Speaking your truth which in turn allows us to help you. I won’t sugar coat it. It’s going to be hard. But what’s important is that you won’t be alone. You have an entire team here ready to listen, to give advice, or just talk. Whatever you need out of us we will do what we can to provide. If you need to take your time that’s allowed. We will be here, always.
Thank you for opening up and being so transparent with us. I’m really sorry to hear about all that you are going through right now, and have been going through for a while. There are a lot of things going on all at once for you and that can make it so hard for someone to catch their breath and gather bearings, and themself. When things keep going wrong back to back, all of these events keep piling on top of each other without really giving you any time to emotionally and mentally work through them and process them and get to a decent/good place before having to deal with the next problem. It can cause such a weight on your shoulder and make things so heavy and complicated to sort through emotionally. So I can understand why you feel this way, and how you have gotten to a point of hopelessness. The things you have endured are hard, and the things that have been said to you by some of your exes have been cruel. You have experienced so much unkindness so far and I can understand if you feel unsupported or alone.
I want to encourage you a bit by saying that I am proud of you, despite everything, you are keeping yourself afloat. You are fighting and holding on. One day at a time. You are telling the devil to fuck off again. Which means you have said before. And friend, I hope you say it again. And again! Each day. You are strong, and you are fighting. You are brave to keep fighting. And I truly hope that as you continue on, one day you will find a support that can help you to work through the trauma you carry, the feelings you have buried, the anger, and can help you on your journey, where one day you can have built yourself back up where you no longer have visits from the demons that plague - that when you say fuck off, that devil will finally listen.
