It's just too much

[Bart]

Hi, I’m Bart!
First of, thank you for even clicking onto this post.

I have a lot to get off my chest so this probably will be a long topic.
I’ll try keeping a chronological order of events to the best of my ability

Generally as a person I’m nice, shy, extremely emotional and… weird to say the least.

Say, everything started during school. I didn’t know much about thoughts, feelings or anything.
Unlike my other classmates, I was a “loner” everyone else had a little group of friends that they knew from Kindergarten or maybe just live next door.

Through the first 1-2 years everything was going smooth, I had lots of friends, we would play soccer with each other everyday or just talk stories.
Heading into the 3rd year more “groups” started forming with me always being left out of games, activities, etc. which was just the start of my today problems.

Through 3rd-5th year,

Almost everyday I was getting bullied, harassed, framed and much much more.

I’ve managed to get close to a few classmates who I’ve considered best friends and hanged out with. And everything was awesome! I was actually waking up happy, full of hope!
Which allowed me to hold my feelings and thoughts inside and not let them take control over me.

But… More issues arose.
Through those 2 years I got distanced from my family… In a sense they started treating me just like my classmates did/do in school and they never took me seriously when I talked about my problems. They would give me responses such as “Stop joking about that kind of stuff”, “Stop lying to us, we aren’t stupid”. And it started becoming too much… Having the same atmosphere from school at home… Home?!? A place where you are supposed to feel supported, safe, isolated… The group of friends I managed to make consisted of 3 people in total and it was enough for me to stay positive, happy and not let the feelings take over me as I had someone to talk to all the time and someone who understood me fully.

This will suddenly all change in the 5th year…
Others soon found out the group of friends I hang out with and made a desperate attempt that sadly worked…
They created fake Direct Messages of me talking very nasty about those friends, insulting them, talking behind their back, sharing secrets and they sent those fake messages to everyone from that group we had.
Next day I was confronted about that and obviously I was confused because I had no idea about the messages. They showed me screenshots they were sent and indeed they looked surprisingly good. I attempted to explain how I never sent those messages but they didn’t believe me one bit and that hit me hard. The same people who have been your only support for the last 2 years are now shooting you off over fake messages…
They blocked me from all socials and kept ignoring me during school.

I thought I would be able to handle it alone as I would always remember the memories of the past 2 years and the great times we’ve had.

Where am I at? 0 support. My family doesn’t believe me/understand me even after multiple attempts. Classmates are a complete chaos continuing with the bullying almost every day and it really was hard.
Main problem to all of this is I’m extremely emotional/empathic for some reason making everything a lot worse.

I managed to keep myself up and happy for barely a few months until everything started breaking down.
In school I would keep the “happy mask” on, just so people wouldn’t question me either way no one cares/no one would understand.
Everyday I would come home from school and sob… for hours… thinking of how everything was going well and then just started falling down…

Having no one to talk to I’ve started closing the feelings inside me which comes to the last 3 years where I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

Keeping the feelings inside turned to be too much because it started becoming a mixture of everything with no one to talk to about them.
This lead to the last year of me cutting myself with a razor… Seeing the blood pouring is satisfying to me because it makes me feel… less stressed. I imagine the blood as all the feelings and thoughts just being let go.
This mindset made me just cut more and more to the point where I did end up in the hospital multiple times.

I tried keeping the whole depression and cutting stuff outside school but eventually they caught up to it which just lead to more jokes which really hurts…
With that my parents were called who knew nothing about the whole situation and of course what they decided to do is ground me and started calling me an “idiot”, “retard”, “dumbass” and so on which hurts so much more coming from your family…

Hearing about the situation, that old group of friends came back with “We are so sorry… We didn’t know you were going through all of that.” and (being my character) decided to let them into my life again, give them another chance…

I honestly thought the message thing was just a “wrong place wrong time” type of situation and was actually looking forward to returning to being happy and positive… But to no one’s suprise to say the least… History repeated itself.

This absolutely destroyed me… I fell deep into depression and at this point I’m really considering taking my life because I do not want to go through all of this again and again… Like it’s in a loop…

I head to find new friends, new people to hangout with, new people to support me.
And indeed I met some wonderful people where I said “He/She is the one” and that got me up a little bit, it distracted me from my thoughts.

With the whole situation of the previous years I got too emotionally connected to the new people I would meet to just get ignored/ghosted/betrayed again and again.

To contribute to all of this, anxiety kicked in with me always being worried and stopped by “What will they think? I’m just annoying, that’s why she’s not responding.”

And now I’m here… Cutting every single day, blood pouring everywhere, counting down days before finally giving up. It will stop the pain, it will stop the suffering.

With no friends, no support all of this is absolutely unbearable and taking my life really seems like the only option.

It’s obvious that they were playing around. No one ever cared. No one will ever care so realistically I won’t be missed by anyone.

Apparently support and happiness is too much to ask for?

That’s my story and I wanted to get it out there,
If you got to this point, thank you for reading
and enjoy your wonderful day when someone else can’t.

[xTimeRemains]

Your parents started belittling you when they found out you’ve been struggling for years and started cutting yourself? Bart, you don’t know how angry I am right now Not at you, at the apparent carelessness of your parents, friends, and greater social environment. It sounds like they have no idea how hurt you truly are. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can share this with you: I’ve been hopeless many times in my life, ready to end it, and I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad to be able to see that I made it through the caves and became stronger for it, that I have more empathy and more strength due to my struggles. I have more to give to those I love, but it took me a lot of struggling to get here. You are struggling and it sounds like you’re close to drowning. But you’re stronger than you think you are. I believe you’ll make it through this and your battle with this suffering, rejection, degredation, and isolation will heal 10x over into a shining strength of yours.

Welcome to the community, Bart. I’m so glad you found the strength to reach for support. Please continue letting us support you through this however you are comfortable with. Support is not too much to ask for from me or anyone else here.

If you’re feeling okay with sharing more, I’d like to know what you told your parents when they started saying you were making stuff up (“Stop lying to us, we aren’t stupid”). This is so messed up! P.S. I’ve had to erase curse words from this post several times I’m just so angry with the way people are treating you and so sad for your pain.

[Bart]

Thanks for the response!

To answer your question,
I haven’t really told them anything… I tried to explain my situation to them but they just don’t want to listen/understand.

As I mentioned, I really just kept it to myself

It’s been a problem for quite a few years now so it’s whatever really…

[xTimeRemains]

Of course!

Jeeze! I’m here to listen, but I really hope you can find someone in person to talk with as well. When people found out at school and your parents were called, did you start seeing anyone for professional help (counselor, therapist, …)? Are you seeing anyone now about the anxiety and depression?

I’m sad that you’ve been so hurt. It’s profound what you’re going through, it’s lead you to this dark road. There is a much better life out there for you. I believe we humans are like rivers. You’re a river, and the people in your life are like rivers. We flow into each other. The rivers that have flowed into you and the water that you desperately need that hasn’t flowed into you has had profound impacts on you. If you can get hooked up to people who can start flowing some nurturing life into you, you’ll start feeling like a healthy river again. There’s lots of resources online and in person. I’ve done therapy for the last 8 months and it’s had remarkable impacts on my life. There’s also a lot of hot lines where you can hear a real person’s voice. And of course this community. And myself too, I’ll gladly keep talking with you! Im glad to have met you and to have heard your story, and I want to see you overcome this. Your attitude and the way you write, I really think you’re gonna do this and be so glad you pushed through.

[George_Mallory]

Peace. Be still. You are here.
You sound like you are drowning. I’m not going to get you a floatation device because those only work when someone on the surface will catch you. Let’s go deeper. Let’s go to rock bottom. It’s a little tricky. I’ve been there. I know the way. Come with me.

A crisis is like an ocean. First you flounder for as long as you can, trying not to drown, but you don’t have enough strength and you go down into the crushing depths where there is no light and you are alone. You sound like you are trying to stay there and this is good because under you is a large amount of jellyfish, and they represent suicide. Rock bottom is underneath. I like rock bottom. It’s one of my favorite emotional states. You cannot fail because you cannot go lower, and it is finally dark enough to see all the fish that bioluminescence, something that you miss anywhere else. At rock bottom, God takes your hand and walks with you. Let’s get you through the jellyfish of suicide. We are going to get someone to come up, grab you, and safely pull you under.

This is going to be scary. You need to figure out how to get to an emergency room. Right in front of the doors is a desk. You need to get the attention of the person at the desk and then you need to say “I am a danger to myself.” If they ask you what you mean, show them your wrist that you have been cutting. If you are going to kill yourself unless you get away from your current situation, tell them that. You will probably be treated like someone who wants to kill themselves because it’s safer than waiting for you to actually be suicidal and without support. You will probably be asked several times if you are a danger to yourself. This is because you are at the point of no return and they are making sure that you aren’t faking or are on a dare or drunk. After you pass the point of no return, you will not be allowed to leave and not even your parents can pull you out. You are in.

After a while someone will come to you, introduce themselves as a social worker, and ask you what exactly is going on. Tell the social worker everything, including whether you want to allow your parents to contact you during the next step and why. I wouldn’t want them. Calling someone names like “idiot” and “retard” and “dumbass” is emotional abuse. Calling your child that? Rock. Millstone. Sea. The social worker will then start working out where you need to go. If you are suicidal, or are close enough (you are) then you will probably go to a psychiatric hospital. This sounds scarier than it is. Nobody but your parents and the people taking care of you will be told by the hospital that you are there. If you need to hit rock bottom because you are tired of swimming, this is a safe place to do it and I strongly recommend it. One doesn’t get many chances to be lifted upon the shoulders of God and shown who they are and how magnificent they are. Take it when you can get it. If it is a good hospital, then there will be people who will teach you how to manage emotions and how you can react to bullying and there will be more teachers once you leave. Even if you only stay three days, going there can do a lot—like showing your parents how serious things have gotten. They might also change your school. They can even move you to another family.

[Bart]

Thanks for the words of wisdom!

At one point I have been seeing a local therapist about everything but it didn’t help me all that much.
Sure, it gave me a different view but didn’t help.

I just want it to end. To get rid of the pain.
So I don’t see much point in going through that whole struggle for essentially everything to repeat it self again and again in a loop.

I’ll be back with my crazy thoughts and emotions bringing me back… I’m really tired of it repeating every time because each time it just hurts more and more until it eventually comes to the point where it’s unbearable.

I wouldn’t say I’m at that exact point but I sure am very close to getting to it.

Really sorry if I feel ignorant, it’s just my thoughts and emotions right now.
Had to wake up to a… Not so pleasant letter to say the least.

[xTimeRemains]

I’ve been ready to die several times in my life. But when I thought about how it would affect my friends, even the ones I don’t hang out with anymore, and my family, I just couldn’t do it. I know you think they don’t care, but have you ever seen what suicide does to a family? Often friends and relatives end up getting depressed themselves and sometimes they kill themselves. People may be blinded to your pain right now, but you’ve got to believe me when I say your life and the way you chose to live it matters. Not just whether you live or die. But remember a time when some stranger was nice to you. Remember how that lit up your day. Remember times when people didn’t talk with you, remember how hurt you felt. You have so much influence over the health of the people around you. It’s atrocious that you’re being so neglected right now and abused by your family in the past. It makes me so angry and sad. Nobody deserves this. Often people have so many issues of their own that they can’t see and help those around them. There’s likely several people in your school who are depressed and anxious like you who you can’t see because you’re so hurt. But Bart, they matter. You matter. We’re all in this together. Your story affects my life and the lives of those around you. Will you consider seeing a counselor at school when you return? And I agree with George, will you please consider checking yourself into a hospital if you are feeling on the edge of taking your life? Your life is already brutal, will you hang in a bit longer and let someone help you? What if I’m right, and all this pain you’re going through now turns into a strength of yours? The words are trivial but I think there’s a lot of truth in them “that which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” if you can make it out alive you’re going to be so much stronger. You’ll have scaled such a steep mountain and you’ll be able to help so many others.

How did you feel about the letter?

[Bart]

@xTimeRemains

but have you ever seen what suicide does to a family? Often friends and relatives end up getting depressed themselves and sometimes they kill themselves.

That is exactly what’s been happening to me for the last few years.

After thinking through… I don’t necessarily want to kill myself.
I’m just lost… Lost in the sea of thoughts, feelings and problems.

I’m scared of the future, scared of losing people I love. Better to say, losing more people that I love.

The letter… Was from my former best friend who moved to another city making it harder for us to hangout and everything. She was in a worse situation then me and really with no support except me, and as you know by now… I’m not in the best shape to be helping others really.

I didn’t think too much about the letter until opening it… It was a goodbye message and the title of it went like this: “I’m really sorry for what I did. By the time you’re reading this, I’m gone. | 21st of August 2019”

I was confused but also worried. After reading through the letter, turns out she wrote it and sent it the same day when she committed suicide…

I’m crushed… completely. With everything happening and now that too? That’s why I didn’t respond here for the 2 days.

I don’t know what to do anymore… I just want support again, I want to be happy, I want to wake up in the morning and not start sobbing, I want peace, a place where I can feel safe, isolated, happy.

I don’t want to have to shut myself inside my room to not have to listen to my parents constantly fighting about alcoholism and similar stories.

But apparently that is too much to ask for. I honestly want to push through… Push through the dark tunnel to come out on the other end with sunshine all around me, I can’t seem to find a way (rather said correct way) through the tunnel.

[Bart]

Also, thank you for taking the time in looking through the story and giving me a direction to work towards.

Really appriciated!

[xTimeRemains]

I read your message a few hours ago, and when I got to the part about your friend killing herself, I started crying I’m so sorry Bart

This alone is enough to send people through hell, but you’ve been going through so much already. You said your family isn’t supportive, and actually seems quite negligent and abusive, and you have no friends to rely on right now. Please DM me at any time. I think you may want to open another topic just to talk about your friend killing herself when you’re ready. This is so heavy. You shouldn’t have to carry this, and on top of everything else you’re carrying I’m thrilled to hear you don’t want to kill yourself, but I’m just having mixed feelings because of how painful what you’re going through must be. The suicidal thoughts and feelings may come back, but they’ll pass. I believe that in times like these we need to experience the pain and make sense of it and be loved through it in order to overcome the suffering. I wish I could give you a hug. I’m worried about you needing support. Like I said, you can reach out to me any time, I think you may want to continue reaching out to the rest of the community. Also finding a counselor/therapist may be even more helpful now. I think you’ll find yourself more able to cope and grow through this if you have some support. An even bigger emotional storm may be coming, but you’ll become stronger by surviving through it. Gosh that’s so recent. Ahhhhh!

When you told me a little bit of that letter my heart sank so hard. It sank for you and your friend and her family, how much suffering there is and will be to come. And my heart also sank for this friend who wrote the quote below. She’s not dead, but she’s been in a lot of pain related to her history and our relationship, and I shudder and often cry when I think of her death. Another friend of mine has extreme social anxiety to the point where he’s isolated himself completely. I was talking with him for several months last year, but he went MIA and won’t respond despite my several attempts to talk with him in the last few months. I fear him killing himself tremendously. I’ve also come to know a guy who lost a close friend to suicide, and it was just so painful for him. And then there’s my own struggle with suicide. I just hear this and your existing pain, and my heart sinks

I relate with being lost. The person I love most in this world said, “Most people are real lost. It’s how you’re lost that makes all the difference.” I’ve come to have role models who don’t pretend to have life figured out with their perfect ideology or philosophy, but who live life like sailors or space explorers. They find satisfaction in the adventure of life, without trying to figure it all out.

I’m very glad to be here listening and talking this through with you. I’m so glad you don’t want to kill yourself and you want to push through. That will to fight and grow is so admirable to me!

You’re on your journey, and I’m on mine. I’m happy to walk through with you together where our journeys meet, but ultimately this is your journey, and I think the passion and the growth comes from you taking the reins, making decisions, trying things, protecting yourself, finding support, observing, etc. I think people can try to tell you how to move forward, and sometimes people can be helpful, but ultimately the direction and pace of your life is yours to choose. You’ll find a way, and it will be that much more rewarding and empowering when you do, because you’ll have found it. That’s not to say don’t seek help, but I’m just saying I don’t think there’s a rule book for life. People try to codify life, but ultimately I think its you and your heart that lead the way, whether that’s to friends, support, solitude, school, trying new things, safety… the world is your burrito. You’ll find a way! I’m glad to talk it out with you if you’d like.

Also, one thing you said is your in no shape to be helping others, but I don’t think that’s true. I’m working through some really tough issues that I’ve been dealing with since I was a child, and I feel that merely listening and sharing my experience and thoughts around this forum has been helpful to myself and others. Jordan Peterson said something along the lines of, it’s amazing the world is still standing when you really think about it. When you get to know people and know how hurt and wounded everyone around you is, it’s amazing to see that somehow when we come together we’re greater than the sum of our parts, and the world moves forward despite all our flaws. You have some profound wounds, but so do many other people here. I believe you can be a great help to people. Not everyone can be helped, and your experience won’t be most helpful to everyone, but even listening can be extremely helpful.