I am sitting in a room and this entire month if not longer, actually this whole year or two, I have had suicidal thoughts creeping up on me. They are getting a lot darker and darker, and they are seeping into my everyday thoughts. I am always feeling guilty for be eating, and breathing. I have no one to talk to about this because every one has their own demons to face. But it’s scaring me so much. I have flashes of tying ropes around my neck, and just jumping off a chair and hearing my neck crack from the surge of gravity calling me home. I imagine myself putting me in an unsafe environment and watching men rape me over and over again until I can’t move anymore. I see cuts all over my wrists bleeding severely even when it’s not real because those have faded. I imagine jumping in front of trucks and trains and watching my body get sliced up by the blades of the train. I see myself taking so many pills, and drinking pool cleaner. And it makes me wake up feeling sick. It’s all the time. It never wants to leave. And the thought of how worthless and useless and unwanted I am are always present. I am constantly in defence mode, and I even feel like waiting until every on is asleep before taking rest. I punish myself with thoughts that everyone secretly hates me and wishes I had died. I won’t lie. I think the same too. I just want to die a bit later than now. I can’t breather, and I am always lying to my therapist that I am doing better. I am an exceptional one at hiding all of this because if I’m fucked up, they will lock me away. Help me find ways to get rid of this disease. I hate it so much. I can’t breathe. And I am always seeking my own punishment
I relate a lot to that statement. I know it’s a lot to handle feeling like you are nothing but you are not nothing. I always deal with suicidal thoughts getting worse and darker something that has been helping me is the safe plan. https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/about-the-safety-plan-category/24686#heartsupport-safety-plan. I would recommend at least trying it out.
I know this won’t help too much but it does help a little to remember that your thoughts are not reality. I hope you get better also remember you can post whenever you need help.
Thank you so much for sharing such an important part of your life, of what you’re going through. You said you are constantly in defence mode, so it takes even more energy and courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable like you did here. Well done, friend. This is the first step to connect with others, to be supported, to interrupt those intrusive thoughts that you have, to break down the lies that might be spiraling in your mind.
You are not fucked up. You are not sick. You are not broken or weird. You are hurting, which only displays how human you are. I hear your pain though and this need to find a punishment, any type of punishment, but overall to respond to this deep feeling of worthlessness that you have. To some extent, I relate to how you feel. A while ago I would use more radical ways to punish myself from simply existing. Now it’s more subtle, less harmful, but still impacting my life in someway. I don’t feel like I deserve happiness, joy, or peace. It’s tough when we live on this self-sabotaging mode.
You said that these thoughts are scaring you though, and I’d like to emphasize the fact that this fear is good. It’s your survival instinct. This part of your mind that knows that you don’t deserve any hurt, even if it’s hard to actively and consciously believe it. It’s this part of your mind that says “there has to be something else in this world, in this life”… and it’s damn right.
You don’t deserve to be endlessly punished for being. Feeling worthless is not a fatality. Though it certainly didn’t appear from nowhere, and is more the result of something you have learned over the years, whether it’s because of life events, experiences or people. But we are not born believing that we are worthless. And that is where gracecan be found: what was learned once can be unlearned, with the right support and help.
You said that you have no one to talk to because everyone has their own demons to face. It’s true, everyone have their own struggles. But that doesn’t mean we have to hide ours and let it become worse silently. People who want to support you, to listen, to be there for you, will be able to distinguish your issues from their own. They would be able to give you time and space to express yourself and reach out. So please don’t let the fact that life can be tough for everyone be a reason for you not to reach out. Especially since there are circumstances in life when that kind of consideration can be pushed away. When it’s a matter of life, death, suicidal thoughts, we are definitely in that kind of situation.
So, please, reach out. Ask for help to people who are safe to you. If you can, seek professional help as well. But break this silence, this isolation, just like you did right here. You deserve to be helped and supported, even if you don’t believe it. Give a chance to the people who love you to care for you. 
We here, are also here for you. You are not alone.
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