It's not about feeling loved

HeartSupport Support
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I get support all the time reminding me that I’m loved and I’m valued, but what if that doesn’t mean anything to me? I’ve never felt unloved, I’m just tired. If this is what life is, I’m just not interested. The repetition, the monotony, the endless grind. I never asked for any of this. If I don’t even what it why do I have to continue to endure it?

I’m not suicidal, I’ve never considered taking my own life. I just don’t want to live. If that makes any sense. They say suicide is the cowards way out… well, I’m too much of a coward to even think about it myself.

I don’t know what I expect by posting here. I have friends that support me. I could just as easily unload this burden on them and I know they wouldn’t be burdened by it.

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Honestly? I have no idea why we have to endure it, anonymous. I’ve always been loved, too, and while there were times when I was younger that I didn’t necessarily feel it, I always knew logically that there were people who loved me.

I do have bouts of suicidal ideation, so I’m a bit different in that regard. However, more often than not it’s not a matter of being unloved so much as just feeling like there’s no point. There’s more hard times than good… I don’t like celebrating my birthday because for me it’s just the anniversary of my prison sentence here on earth (there is also a bit of traumatic experience there). I didn’t ask to be born. If I weren’t here, I wouldn’t know what I’d be missing, so what’s it matter? Sometimes I feel like I’m condemned to live just to spare the feelings of the people who love me.

That’s my depressed brain…

But I’m not always depressed. Sometimes I do experience moments of joy. There are times when I’m happy to be alive. I think, for me, it’s not about being loved… It’s about giving love. I, and I think many others (especially on this forum) find a lot of purpose and meaning in life by trying to help others. I can’t say that this would bring meaning to your life… But it sounds to me that is what is missing for you: meaning or purpose.

I wish I could tell you the “why” of your life, but I can’t. I can agree however that living without purpose is a miserable way to live.

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I think that having external reminders that you matter and are important, are incomplete without some semblance of that same feeling inside you, @anonymous.recluse

Without those messages from people you care about reaching in, and validating something you already feel (no matter how deeply buried) those sentiments can feel empty and purposeless. They might even feel false, or insincere. I find myself giving people validation of those feelings when really, they aren’t looking to be recognized. Like you said, some people feel tired of life, not tired of the people in their life.

It sounds to me that specifically, you might lack a feeling of purpose. A drive, or a goal that is a reward at the end of the grind. Not everyone has this huge, grandeur idea of what they are working for (I don’t, that is for sure) but I think generally when people wake up, they may go to the job they don’t like in order to save money to go on the trip they are really looking forward to. They might, clean the house so they can have guests over comfortably for a game night (once that is safe again). It could be small, seemingly insignificant things to drive you toward the next task, the next day, but if you aren’t working for anything… then why? Which, making assumptions here, it sounds like that may be the case. You don’t have to have all the answers, but you might find some relief from monotony by choosing something that gives you something to work for, even if it’s small. Maybe, if you cook yourself your meals for a week in a row, you buy that new knife set you have been eyeing and then plan a big meal around practicing your skills. Maybe if you walk the dogs 3 times a week for 2 weeks you grab yourself the pair of walking shoes you’ve been needing. Just as examples, you get to choose your motivation, but declaring small things you want may help you discover the bigger things in your life that you need.

That lovely thing about friends who make themselves available as a confident, is you can really depend on their feedback. You can come to expect their steady love and encouragement. The drawback to a person you reach out to every time something comes up, is lack of perspective. I am guilty of giving the same feedback or advice to the same issues with people I am familiar with because, well, that is what I am familiar with! What makes this place special is the volume and quality of perspective. No two people are going to approach you with the same love and care. Here, you can explore segments of many other’s stories, and take what serves you and move forward, or engage further. It isn’t to say your friends don’t mean well, they just got to know you well. That may make it difficult to innovate and discover new things about the same issues you discuss.

I believe that most people find a purpose, and that it changes based on what they need, and I hope that in listening to your story, and sharing their own, you can find comradery with people who struggle the same way, who wonder why they are doing through the motions, without caring about the life in between. It is worth the work to enjoy those moments, and I hope that you can discover them and feel more purposeful in your motions. Goal setting helps for me, but I still struggle every day wondering “why am I here” and I think that I have decided that exploration and experimentation is better than acceptance of monotony, and maybe something like that might help you.

Just because you haven’t found your purpose, does not mean you are without value to this world. Hold fast :hrtlegolove:

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I’ve had these feelings before myself. What is the point of all this? Why am I here? Usually, these thoughts would come to me when I felt I had no purpose, no aim in life.

I don’t necessarily have the answer, but I want to put forth something I heard from Jake Luhrs, that we have been put on this Earth to love and to be loved. I think a good place to start is to just lean into that love, from others and for others.

I just want you to know that God loves you, I love you, and I’m praying for you.

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HelIo!

I want you to know that here you can unload any and all of your burdens and you are very courageous for doing so!
Whew! Life, right?! No one asked us if we wanted anything to do with it but, poof, here we are. I too, wonder why we have to endure it, but at the same time I believe the lord has all here for a purpose and sometimes finding that purpose is the most difficult task in the world. I experience depression on a regular basis with my job, and responsibilities and just the weight of the world in general. It’s hard sometimes, even when you’re receiving love and feel valued. It’s that urge to find my purpose that drives me to continue, but its exhausting all at the same time. Maybe talking with one of your friends, that you feel close enough with to vent to, will help! It’s amazing what a relief it can be to just unload and talk with someone and sharing this with the community is a great start!
If you ever feel the need to open up more, please know you can do so here!

-Elijah

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I’ve suffered from this same thought pattern for over a decade. For years I’ve been through therapy and psychiatry to fix it. I feel like this whole time it has been the root of all my depression.

And it has.
But it isn’t the problem.

Deep down I’m a big picture, macro, infinite, science and philosophy minded person. It troubles me to even exist day to day with the existential dread of the infinite beyond or the questions I’m told not to ask.

I don’t know if anyone relates to me in any way. Depression is a way of seeing the world, but I felt like I could never escape my depression because I had these burning drives to search out something. I didn’t know, but anything I could find to fill that hole you know?

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The weight of existence is a tricky one to navigate. The “why are we doing this” of life’s repetitions and such can definitely leave a person feeling underwhelmed. I can’t say for certain on how to best overcome these feelings, so I’ll address the part I can. And that is that I hope you’re able to see that this isn’t a burden, something that you have to feel you’re unloading on folks. I imagine it’s pretty human to experience this feeling of “what’s the point?” We’re here to listen to whatever and whenever. I hope some sense of purpose begins to manifest to you as I’m sure you’ve got one. Til then though, we’ll be here exploring this life beside you.

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I get support all the time reminding me that I’m loved and I’m valued, but what if that doesn’t mean anything to me? I’ve never felt unloved, I’m just tired . If this is what life is, I’m just not interested. The repetition, the monotony, the endless grind. I never asked for any of this. If I don’t even what it why do I have to continue to endure it?

I really want to echo Echoe here (8)) and Squints’ - it sounds that this is about finding some purpose and meaning in your life. Which is a huge question, but it also means that the way you feel right now could be very positive to you, even if doesn’t feel like it immediately. There could be a need for you to dig deeper and find what is meaningful to you in this life. What are your dreams, desires, goals. What fulfills you, what warms your heart, what makes you feel alive. It could be interesting to explore this kind of questions. By yourself, or with some help from a friend, a mentor or even a coach or a therapist. Being tired is a red flag to consider. It says something about how you feel about your own life. And despite the fact that it’s pretty defeating, it can be turned into something really positive for yourself.

You actually said something very important here:

If this is what life is, I’m just not interested.

Well, what if it’s not what life is? What if there’s more to experience but there are circumstances preventing you to see it or access to it?

You said repetition and monotony are not what suits you. And personally I totally get that. I hate repetition even though I desperately need some routines in my life. But I need more innovation and new opportunities, new sources of excitment constantly. And I know there are people who actually feel good and safe with routines and repetition. It’s just not what makes sense to me, and that’s okay.

Good call on being aware that this way to function is not yours. And if I may ask, in which areas are you experiencing this monotony? And how could you change this? Would it be about improving the current environment you’re living in or about changing it?

I personally like the examples that @EchoeWings shared here about the importance of small changes. It reminds me of a personal example. I tend to repeatedly hit this same wall of tiredness that you have. It’s like a cycle. And in these moments, I can have strong urges to change things in my physical environment. It’s like I have to change something. And it may not be a lot, but it actually helps. It’s a way to initiate a first step that will lead to a second one, etc. Generally, I will have an urge to move stuff in the place I live. I’ll change the orientation of the furniture. And at the end of the day, I’d feel like it’s easier to get a new perspective - not only physically, but also about what I’m doing everyday. It feels like having a fresh start - first in my physical environment. At first, it wasn’t easy for my husband to understand why I have these moments when I really need to move stuff but he’s been getting used to it. 8)

I don’t know if that’s relevant at all, but if your physical environment impacts your emotions/mindset in some way, then maybe you could give it a try. Seeing those changes will actually be a reminder for you to keep working on breaking down your routine. What is the place/room where you spend the most of your time when you’re at home? Once you identify it, change something about it that would be visible and significant. Then change a little thing in your routine. Take a different road when you come back home after work. Have a walk outside after dinner. Take even just 5 minutes to do something you like at a moment in the day when you’re used to do something else. You can start with something really small. As long as it breaks your current routine progressively. “Little by little, one travels far”. :slight_smile:

Journaling can also help to identify what’s meaningful to you and what’s not. It helps to reflect on ourselves and our inner desires. Personally I tend to do it in two ways combined: 1) Free writing - I just write whatever I need and comes to my mind. Without any pressure about consistency: I do it whenever I want. 2) Journaling prompts - It’s basically questions that allows you to know yourself a little more. I like using journaling prompts that I’d find on Pinterest. There’s many of that - certainly too many - and you can always chose whatever feels more interesting to you. At least it helps to find a way to start with journaling when we’re not really used to do that. It could be worth to have a look at it. And even try to do that with a friend. Definitely a good way to learn to know yourself better but also someone you care about, and have lovely discussions with them.

Finally - and again it’s only my own experience -, reading has been incredibly helpful to me to reflect on myself and find what values I hold, but also what I truly believe in. It’s a constant work in progress though. We’re all changing all the time, and the environment we’re living in as well. But there are some solid foundations to be found. And when you do, it only grows stronger in your heart.

Hope this could help at least a little. In any case, you’re definitely not alone in that exhaustion. I truly believe that this could be healthy to you. Keep reaching out. Keep surrounding yourself with supportive people and healthy tools. You’ll find your own answers. And if you ever need to discuss but don’t know where, feel always free to do it here. :hrtlovefist:

Edit: I recalled an exercise here on the Support Wall that could be interesting as well. Feel free to have a look at it:

https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/for-when-you-feel-like-your-life-is-meaningless/15103

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I want to start by saying thank you for the responses, because the rest of this probably won’t come across as appreciative… but I do appreciate it.

Or maybe not… because now that I’ve sat down to write out a response… to put down all the thoughts that have been in my head all morning… I can’t find the words, I’m just sat here with tears in my eyes.

I’m frustrated. Incredibly frustrated. And that goes hand in hand with being tired, exhausted. I’m broken inside - and don’t you tell me I’m not, whether it’s a chemical imbalance or a cognitive bias something isn’t working right - and I just don’t know how to express it. I need help and the help I’ve been given isn’t what I need. I don’t know how to tell anyone what I need either.

I’ve been on meds for a long time and at this point I don’t even know if they do anything for me anymore. I just recently stopped seeing a therapist (who worked via Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) not because I was better but because it was clear to me they had already given me everything they could offer.

@Micro contrary to the person in the video you linked, I’m not dealing with living up to others expectations. I’m dealing with living up to my own… but it’s not even really that. I know I’m capable of doing more, I’m just not doing it. It hurts me to know that I’m not living up to my potential. “So, anonymous, if you know you can do more why not just do it?” I don’t have the energy. It’s so draining just living life. Just doing enough work to make money to feed myself. Just making the food or even just deciding what to eat. I’m using all my mental energy just to stay alive that I just don’t have anything left in the tank.

And I also know that this is fleeting. This ultra depressed state won’t last. But just like knowing I’m loved and valued, that doesn’t mean anything to me right now.

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I want to start by saying thank you for the responses, because the rest of this probably won’t come across as appreciative… but I do appreciate it.

No worries for that. <3 I appreciate your honesty and the fact that you took some time out of your day to actually put more words on how you feel and what you’re experiencing. It gives some clues of understanding to those who read your message here, including me. We’re all learning to know each other. That’s totally okay. And it’s how we can actually try to gather all of our experiences and resources in a more effective way.

So again, thank you for explaining and sharing this. You said you didn’t know how to express how you feel, but what you describe makes sense. And I see how my response could have been off-topic.

and don’t you tell me I’m not, whether it’s a chemical imbalance or a cognitive bias something isn’t working right

No one is a doctor here, so the cause could be many different things. And we can always question if knowing if it’s physical or a matter of perception is helpful or not. What matters here is what could bring you some better understanding of what’s going on, and even more how to deal with this exhaustion.

For what it’s worth, what you describe makes me obviously think about clinical depression. Again, I’m only talking from a personal perspective here, as I’ve been struggling with a chronic depression for… as long as I can think about. Maybe you even received this diagnosis before and I’m absolutely not saying anything revolutionary here.

Something awful with depression is how draining it is. I shared here and there a TedTalk about depression, because I love how it’s said: “The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality”. This distinction resonates a lot with my own experience, and I recognize this through your words here (but please, if I’m wrong, feel absolutely free to say it). It’s about feeling nothing rather than feeling pain. That’s why a lot of people who are struggling with depression can actually say “I have everything to be happy, but something’s wrong and I can feel it”. Just like you said, “you are loved” can sound like empty words when you’re emotionally and physically drained. It’s not about knowing it anymore, but to actually feel it. And as you described, everything becomes difficult, even the simplest tasks.

Depression has many shapes. Yet for me, in the darkest seasons, it really looked like what you described. To the point of wondering if I could even move - not just intentionally, but really physically - as I woke up. I wasn’t even able to read something because I would need a nap right after it. That’s how much draining and crazy that depression can be. And I feel that you know that too well.

You’re right, it’s not a matter of motivation or intention here. I hear you and what you want to do. But also all the weight of this invisible wall in front of you that’s preventing you to be who you want to be. For what it’s worth, I feel that in my heart. And I had my share of frustration to make others understand why sometimes I hit rock bottom and can’t do something. Not because I’d find excuses or avoid reality, but because it.is.impossible for me at the moment and my reality is not the same as the ones around me.

Random examples of how depression is, for me, deeply intertwined with constant procrastination: I wish I kept using a guitar that I really like, yet it’s been 2 years that I only need to change a string. Oh I have a new set already… it’s been like 6 months maybe? And it could literally take 5 minutes to do that. Still didn’t do it. There’s a bank account I should have closed 5 years ago and still didn’t. Every day I keep thinking about the dishes I should do… well it’s still waiting. Not mentioning this drawer I should repair. And the mail I should send to my landlords about an isolation problem with a window… yup, still didn’t do it while it’s been a year and a half. This can sound crazy. And sure, just as you ask: why not just doing it? Well because it’s actually not that easy when you’re already in a place of exhaustion like you described. Sometimes I’d feel a little bit better, for some reasons, and I’d have a blast. But it’s never revolutionary.

Does it mean that it’s worth to stop trying? Of course not. If battling with exhaustion is not a matter of personal intention and commitment, feeling better still requires our own participation. Your heart is speaking when it says that you know what you want to do and what you want to be. But there are some obstacles in front of you that are pretty disturbing as it remains invisible, even sometimes for yourself.

I’d like to ask you a few questions, but there’s never any obligation to respond:

  • Could asking for a medical leave be an option to you right now? Work is draining, especially if you’re that overwhelmed already. It’s absolutely okay to take some time off, even if it means doing nothing at all during your free time. It’s only about reducing the things that are actually draining you more than needed right now. You have the absolute right to rest, at least physically.
  • You mention CBT. From what I know it’s kind of a very practical type of therapy (?). Now that you stopped it, what did you learn through this therapy that you’ll keep with you? And what wasn’t helpful?
  • There are many different types of therapy. And… I understand that maybe you would think that you don’t have the energy to navigate through different therapies anymore (actually, that’s what I’d think in my own situation). But how do you feel about the idea of giving a try to something different with a new therapist? Maybe CBT was helpful at some point, and your needs could have changed over time. Or maybe it wasn’t helpful at all and looking after something different could help.
  • You also mentioned medication and the fact that you don’t know if it’s effective anymore. Then there’s definitely a healthy move to try here by talking about it with your doctor. Indeed, the effects can change over time. Some adjustments could be necessary. But also, again if I may ask: did you see any change since you take these meds?
  • Do you live alone or with someone? And/or do you have anyone in your relatives who could be with you through this season and just help you with daily tasks? Any support that would help you reduce the amount of things you have to do could be very helpful here. And again, it’s absolutely okay to ask for help on this matter.

Just a few thoughts here. If you want to respond, take all the time you need if this is draining to think about all of this. I think I can say for everyone here that we all understand and respect that.

:hrtlegolove:

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This to me speaks volumes to what you are experiencing. You don’t understand it, cannot put it into words, and therefor it makes it even more burdensome. It is hard to get a bigger picture, to analyze on our own, when what we are looking at is so big we can’t see the whole thing. I second a lot of what @Micro said- to me, this sounds like something that needs professional attention. These waves of super depressive states are really typical of clinical depression from my personal non-professional experience based on friends and family who experience this. Whatever it is, it is too much to handle on your own and if you can muster it, would probably really benefit you to put it in front of someone. You may even include some of what you have said here in an excerpt and just let them know that it can be hard to express yourself but here is what you have, that may be helpful.

This is incredibly relatable. My motivation to accomplish things have been really seasonal lately, because of the state of the world and my own mental health. You don’t always have to be at your best, but when your worsts are really deep depressive cycles, it can feel like you aren’t ever at your best. Is there anything you can do to remind yourself of the times that you are feeling better that doesn’t invalidate how you feel now? I feel like trying to manage or get rid of what you are feeling may not be helpful, at least in my case it hasn’t been, but being able to have gentle reminders that it passes and it is okay to be despairing has been helpful for me.

@Micro Really nailed my experience with depression too. I do not have clinical depression, or mood swings. I struggle with mental health issues that mimic depression but a lot of it has to do with my chronic illness and not really a persistent mental health problem so that is the perspective I speak from. However, the knowing it needs doing and just, truly, being unable to do it… I really relate to that so much, and it feels like you can too. Just getting by is no way to live, and I think all of this to say that you may benefit from being re-evaluated and really pursuing the recommended treatment so that you no longer have to linger in such deep depressive states.

Us screaming into the hole that we love you, very much, and that you are valuable and worth it, doesn’t carve hand holds into the stone you have to navigate to escape the darkness. I appreciate that it can be unhelpful just to hear the sentiment. I don’t think anyone here takes it personally, we just hope that it lands somewhere useful for later, or gives you kindling for when the rain stops and you can restart the fire.

Knowing it will be over doesn’t reduce the pain in the meantime. I can appreciate that. Doing what is best for you right now, and then remembering what needs to be done to care for yourself when you are ready, are in my experience the best next steps for someone who experiences these valleys. I really hope you consider putting this in front of someone who can a) evaluate your medication b) make necessary adjustments and c) recommend next steps and triage for when this happens again.

In the meantime, you give none of us any offense. We give, without expectation. We support, without needing anything in return. The love here is unconditional, and we just appreciate being able to have these conversations. Thank you for responding <3

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As someone who as messed up in the past and been mad at myself a lot and sometimes wished I wasnt born because of that you cant view your birthday as a prison sentence you have to try to enjoy it. Life will get better in the future and you will appreciate being born without life you wouldn’t have met any of the people you love.

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I know you mean well, Hockter, but I really don’t have to try to enjoy my birthday. I feel plenty of joy in my life, just not around my birthday. My partner chooses a random day each year to celebrate my existence which makes her happy and allows me to ignore my birthday. That works just fine for us.

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Yeah man i just wanted you to try to enjoy it you deserve to be happy just like anyone else on their birthday.

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Just wanted to write back that I’m doing pretty dang good today… ¯\(ツ)/¯

A few meetings ago my doc asked if I was ever diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I replied that I hadn’t been. Based on him asking that and a larger awareness of my moods (via a tracking app) I feel pretty comfortable thinking that I probably do have it.

Anyways, I wanted to let you know that I actually felt heard and understood here. Thank you. It didn’t really help me but it did feel good.

@Micro you asked some specific questions and I wanted to answer them.

  • Is a medical leave an option? In my mind, no, it is not. I think this particular breakdown occurred in part due to a leave of absence from work. I had the entire week off of work and had planned a road trip to visit friends, but due to the pandemic we all ultimately decided that was a bad idea. So I’ve been home, alone, with nothing to do but entertain myself. I don’t think that works well for me.

  • Yes, what I learned from CBT is continually helpful. I have erased most negative thoughts and replaced them with positive thoughts. Those lessons are difficult for me to practice continually because it takes energy. The lessons were given, in part, as “fake it until you make it”. Repeating positive thoughts even if you don’t believe them. That is incredibly draining for me and I just cannot sustain it.

  • Am I open to different types of therapy? 100%. I’ve tried a few times but they’ve all ultimately been rooted in CBT and I just don’t think that works for me. I just don’t know what other options are viable and I haven’t had any luck finding someone that can help me find that.

  • Yes, I do think medication changes are in order. Particularly in light of my realization that bipolar disorder is likely in play. The second part of the question, did I see any change since these meds, I’m not sure I follow. Do you mean did I notice a difference when I started taking them? That’s so long ago that I don’t know if I can reasonably answer. Or did you mean did I make any changes since I started them that could make me feel like they’re less effective? And the answer to that is yes… I was a borderline alcoholic until about 2 months ago when I stopped drinking entirely. Now that I’m sober I definitely notice up and down swings in my mood, something that I believe the alcohol was keeping at bay.

  • And lastly - I live alone with two dogs. My immediate family all lives within 20 minutes of me but I don’t feel close enough with them to ask for help in any of this. Plus I’m not really the type to ask for help anyways.

Thanks again for listening. I felt heard.

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