Its strange how one little comment can open up so many emotions.
I am hoping this is the last post on this topic, I was sat in the hospital with Mum yesterday, I look at her now compared to just a week ago and in front of me is My Mum, the Mum I know, the one that although is still very worried about a lot of things and still a little confused as to what the heck has gone on (you see, she remembers every hallucination as if it were real, so now she is asking me as she remembers what was real and what wasn’t and each time she has to take in the fact that she was indeed seeing and hearing things that were not really there)
Yesterday we were talking about the man who was opposite her in the hosp when she first went in, she told me a very odd story about him and as i was relaying it I smiled. she said very nicely “its not funny lisa” I so badly wanted to cry, in that moment and since I got home I have gone over and over that. (I completely get that it was just a little of the moment saying, that was not meant to be a dig or upset me,and she did not mean in any way to say that I dont take things seriously) However my Mum is my mum and in that moment I was craving my mum in a very selfish way,
I wanted to say "Mum, if only you knew that this smile is not one of laughter, this smile is one of relief, this smile is one of gratefulness that you feel well enough to tell me its not funny instead of some wild story that makes no sense, this smile is because I see my beautiful mum sitting there with her hair washed and her new nightdress on looking all nice instead of like the very poorly unkempt woman talking about things at the window trying to kill her that Ive seen for the last couple of weeks.
I know its not all completely behind us yes but im hoping the worst is and soon she will be back home and a new normal with start to take shape.
This last two or three week (ive lost track) i can honestly say have been some of the worst and most frightening of my life. I now feel like im set on alert ready for the next time, I dont know if or when its gong to be ok to completely relax, Mum is also very scared about going home and with all of that I of course lost my own space of comfort (my own home) that no longer feels like a nice place to be, since losing Holly, I dont like being here, its cold and quiet and miserable and its not “my home” anymore its just a place to sleep and eat, I hate being here.
So to cut this short, No its not funny, but Im thankful and shocked that we can still smile, and I want to take this opportunity to thank my amazing friends in this community who have stood by me during all of this. Each of you know who you are and. Thank you and I truly love you all very much indeed.
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
first of all, i feel so sorry to hear the loss of Holly. my toughts are with you. i did not know that till now.
i believe that it is hard to see “your” home as a home right now, but the feeling will come back for sure.
good to hear that your mom is getting better and will be home. i am very happy that this is going well for
you in that time.
life is never easy, but through that times you stayed strong, you were there for your loved ones,
took care of everyone, you are an incredible and kind human, a strong person.
you have still given a lot to others in that time, that shows your heart.
be proud of yourself, you deserve that a lot. all the good things in this world as well.
i hope for the next time you will share many laughs with your mom, many beautiful moments to enjoy.
take your time, take care.
you will always be someone i can look up too, who helped me a lot through my rough times. i will never
forget that, so be sure, anytime you need someone i will be there. you are loved Lisa, you are worth it,
and you matter! Thank you also for sharing this, thank you.
Lovely greetings.
Andi
Before I read any further, I knew why you smiled. It’s made me smile too. Having your mom “back” is a big wonderful relief and it sure takes some of that weight off your back, doesn’t it?
You’ve been thru a heck of a lot in the past few weeks and believe it or not, you might not think you have been strong thru this whole thing, but you 100% have. Thru the loss of Holly, you were still there for your Mother and you did everything in your power to advocate for her and make sure she had everything she needed. I have so much respect and love for you.
I know the feeling of loosing a special pet and how gut wrenching what you’ve been thru feels like on my own level. I know what that void feels like. I know what Holly meant to you and nothing can replace that. Nothing stays the same as you already know and with time (however cringe that sounds), her memory will be more of joy and love, instead of heartbreak and sadness. Every single animal I’ve lost thru out my life has a special spot in my heart where they will never be forgotten and I know Holly has a huge chunk of yours.
I think every pet I have had in my life has meant something different to me. I bet that has been the same for you and everyone else. No pet I’ve had was able to replace the others, but each gave me something new or familiar I needed. I’m hoping that you find another bird that you fall in love with.
This community is wonderfully awesome isn’t it? Love you dearly, my friend.
