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Its not getting easier (TW: Self harm)

It feels like things aren’t getting any easier. And it feels like nothing has been okay since I lost my dog. Let me tell you about him, and me.
Spot was just a puppy when I got him, and I was 6. He was a beautiful white Jack Russell cross with a single black spot on his back. He was a surprise after our first dog escaped the yard and was never found when I was 4.
As soon as I saw him, I knew I had a friend for life. For his life. He was my best friend. He was there when I lost my grandma. When I lost my grandpas. He was there when I started self harming. Through it all, he was there. He didn’t love me any different when I harmed. He loved me the same as he always had.
Fast forward to early this year, his age caught up with him more and more. I’m not gonna go into details. He was just… he got really sick, and we had to have him put to sleep. He was 21. I’m gonna be 26 this year.
I literally grew up with him. I can’t remember life without him. Nothing feels right.
The night we had him put to sleep, before he was taken to the emergency vet; I held him and cuddled him one last time. And he rested his head on my scars from less than 2 months earlier. It was like he was trying to tell me not to harm… Not to harm, for him.
But I can’t shake the feeling, the thought… I wanna harm. I want to harm. I’m struggling with so much stuff lately.
Nightmares. Nightmares that family are gonna physically hurt me. Night terrors. Panic attacks. Anxiety attacks. Not sleeping. Not wanting to eat.
I’d rather starve myself than go to the kitchen and not see Spot there.
Dogs are like emotional support animals for me. That’s what people say for me with Spot.
I don’t know if the UK does emotional support animals. I don’t even think I deserve one at this point. I don’t deserve anything.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Guess it’s just a hand in the dark reaching out just to see if anyone cares.

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I can cry over my dog. He’s not “spilled milk”
He was my best friend. For 21 years of my life.

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I’m really sorry I didn’t mean that

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Good on you for apologizing, Zoeya. It’s good to recognize our mistakes and have the self awareness and willingness to apologize for them :heart:

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And I am so sorry for the grief you’re experiencing @mammawolf . Your feelings are valid and we’re all here you. Take all the time you need to process your loss. Spot sounds like a lovely pup, it sounds like you gave him more love than he could ever ask for. Stay strong, friend. :heart: