Hi @bones40,
First off: Thank you. for being here, for sharing all of this. It sounds that you’ve been through a lot, but you’re here and that’s a really positive step. 
so why is it that ive been suffering my entire life? why is it that i grew up bullied and without friends, and i still have no friends? why is it that i’ve been assaulted by two different men? why is it i was born a trans man into a family that violently hates queer people?
Those questions are very relatable to me. Not necessarily in their content, but because they actually start with this short yet very meaningful word: why. I often ask myself “why” about things I’ve been through as well. And having no logical answer feels like hitting my face against a really strong wall, again and again. The distress that comes with this is hard to describe. So, for what it’s worth, know that you are not alone in that pain. And I’m definitely not the only one who’ll be able to relate to how you feel right now.
Friend, I am so sorry for all of this. Your family, the bullies, the assault. It shouldn’t happen at all. And I wish you never had to go through all of this.
Those questions you ask are, in my opinion, really normal and valid. As human beings, we need things to make sense, we need to understand why such things happen. It could help to heal this deep pain and feeling of injustice. So I don’t know why all of this happened to you. But one thing is sure: it is not because of you. It is not about you. The people who hurt you hold the responsibility of their actions. And they didn’t have the right to do any of this. They shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself either. You are not what they said or did. You are not the reflection of any of that. You are a unique individual who deserve to feel safe, to feel loved and cared for.
why is it all of my online friends started out in bad situations but their lives are improving? why does my ex boyfriend get to ghost me and not give me a reason why he broke up with me - and then later i find out he got into a prestigious art school, his youtube channel is successful, and he’s moving out of her absusive parents house? why is it, when im crying and at my lowest and thinking about killing myself, a friend tells me they’ve successfully worked through some of their ptsd and their life is better now?
why does my brother get to be a part of the neo-nazi movement and still have a girlfriend and lots of friends?
It sounds that this is a lot about comparing yourself to others. And again, I understand how tempting it is to compare ourselves. But it never brings anything good. First, because we are more prone to do that when we’re already struggling. Secondly because it rarely makes us feel good about ourselves. Sometimes it’s even a way to justify the lies we think about ourselves. If your friends are happy where they are, then it’s good for them. But it doesn’t say anything about you. It doesn’t mean you’re better or worse than them. Only that you are following your own path. And ones life can’t be compared to another one. Just because they’re all different, unique, made of particular experiences and circumstances.
every time i read those articles about why you shouldn’t kill yourself, they all say the same thing.
just wait!! things will get better!!
Articles, when they’re serious, can be very useful to gain some knowledge but it’s also very impersonal. You can understand what you read with your mind, but not necessarily relate with your heart. For sure, you have your own story and personality that no one could reduce in a pre-made recipe.
I’d like to encourage you to have a look at this exercise here on the Support Wall:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/why-suicide-makes-sense-and-why-you-still-shouldnt-do-it/14163
The idea behind this is to take some time to reflect on your reasons to live and to keep going on. The reasons that comes from you are the ones that matters, the ones that will give you enough passion and strength to move on. What fulfills you? What on this earth warms your heart? What feels worth living? If you only start with 1 reason and can’t find 20 of them, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean those reasons don’t exist. Just that your heart will need some time to identify them. Be trustful with your heart. With yourself. You’ve been surrounded by people who show you hatred, who made you feel bad about yourself. But this was about them. You are not worthless and your life is not pointless because of others actions.
Indeed, time is really important. It’s actually the first thing you need to give to yourself. Without time, no possibility to feel better or to live in the environment you need and deserve. But I hear you and I understand with all my heart how much the weight of pain can make us see life as something pretty dark. It’s hard to see the light that actually happened or is next to us.
For example, you are here and you posted this. Maybe you don’t consider it as a success, but I do. This community is a great place, and I’m glad you’re now part of it. I’m glad you actually took some time out of your day to share all of this. It’s not easy to do that.
You also mentioned your pet, and I’m sorry you lost it so soon. But on the other hand, were there absolutely no moment of joy with your pet? Absolutely no good memories? I bet you have joyful memories associated with those 6 months. And those memories are yours. They didn’t fade away. It’s a treasure you can always cherish. It doesn’t delete the pain of the loss, but it makes it more bearable.
i hate this. i hate my life. and i hate every part of me that repels everyone else. and i hate that nobody asked me if i wanted to live.
Friend, my heart goes out to you. When I was your age, I came to the same conclusion. I had my share of painful moments as a kid and as a young adult, so I felt this deep feeling of injustice in my guts. An injustice for being alive while life felt like an endless nightmare. This deep feeling that makes you feel like you need to scream out of anger and sadness at the same time. I couldn’t tell if I wasn’t fit to this world or if this world was too much of nonsense for me. In any case, I questioned my capacity to exist for a long time, and still do sometimes.
I’ll be 100% honest: I think sometimes it’s easier for us to think that life sucks and there’s nothing positive in this. It feels safer, more comfortable, even if it means hurting more. At first, it was really uncomfortable for me to realize that I also have dreams, wishes, goals that I want to reach in this life. It was hard to realize that some of the things I care about are actually right next to me but I wasn’t able to see it anymore because it was all about pain, pain and pain again. It was hard to realize that I was actually craving for life and justice, not death. And the fact that you are here right now shows this.
Healing takes time. Because we may not be ready to take healthier steps, to actually have hope. Hope is freaking scary. It feels risky. But it’s also so needed. And yes, it’s really frustrating to feel like waiting is the only answer. Personally, I think time is necessary, it’s part of the answer, but it’s not a solution in itself. You also have control over things in your life: how you take care of yourself, creating for yourself a supportive network, using resources and tools to help you heal and grow.
Give yourself the grace you need, friend. I know it’s easier said than done. But you truly matters. Your life is not wasted. And no, you are not meant to suffer for your entire life. But you are processing what you’ve been through and the present circumstances in your life may not be the best right now. We can’t always change the circumstances we are living in, in the present moment, but we can still take some steps further to progress on our own journey, to protect ourselves and do what is good for ourselves. Disappearing is not a real option. It deletes every possibility to be who you want to be, to live what you want to live. I believe in your capacity to listen to this inner life that you have deep inside. I believe in your capacity to acknowledge the part of yourself that is suffering and to be a friend to yourself. And through all of this, you won’t be alone. Just because at least this community is here to support you.
I’ll leave this message with links to some resources. I highly recommend you to have a look at the book Dwarf Planet:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/master-list-next-steps-for-your-mental-health/14240
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/about-the-growth-category/13580
Take care, friend. This is a tough season in your life. And maybe it feels like your life has just been a long and difficult season. But there is more to see and to live. You are seen, you are loved, you are cared for here. Hold fast.