Its therapeutic for me to hear someone articulate

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It’s therapeutic for me to hear someone articulate how I feel because I can’t. The devil in I is something I loved thru with my best friend, we had a co dependant relationship. Always drinking. I allowed it. I even supported it because we could get fucked up together and that made it ok. Now he’s gone and I feel so guilty that I didn’t try harder sooner to get him healthy even tho he resisted and resisted and resisted. I allowed it. That’s the devil in I.
Then there’s kill pop.

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It’s so so hard to be in a dependant relationship with someone, and it’s so hard when the style or relationship leads to unhealthy choices.
I had a friend who I also had an unhealthy relationship with. I made a lot of unhealthy choices dependant on what they wanted. Our stories have different endings, but it’s a very very hard thing to break free from.

This friend blamed me for them not being able to succeed in life. And I know that you probably would tell me it’s not my fault. This is where our stories share something in common. It’s not your fault. It’s absolutely shattering losing someone and not seeing them overcome the demons that traumatise and haunt them. The guilt that settles is thick and it’s something that replays. All the questions repeating in our minds.

You didn’t allow your friend to stay in the place he was in. It is so so very hard to reach out and it’s often said that the first step is acknowledging and taking the step for yourself. As much as we want better for people we love, they have to want better for themselves. We can be a support and cheer them on, but we can’t be the one to push them forward if they don’t want to move.
It’s frustrating because we see the potential and we know there is more out there.

Now you have this burden sitting with you because the hurt they felt was great. Your friends story doesn’t end here. It’s a sad story, but one that follows you to where you are now. You made it here. You are evidence that it is not the end of the road.

Thank you so much for sharing all of this here, friend. I imagine that applying this “exercise” of reflecting on the “devil in I” and choosing to share it here has not been the easiest. So really, thank you for taking the time for this. Not just because it’s an honor to get to know you through things that might be difficult to share, but first and foremost because this could hopefully serve you and help you break free from the chains of guilt and remorse. Somehow, when we name our struggles and stop looking the opposite side, we can start lifting the shame away. Not instantly of course - healing is a journey in itself -, but the very step of naming the struggle and facing it is, a very significant step. And we’re so damn proud of you here for taking it.

Reading your words, I personally only felt a lot of compassion for you. The relationship you were in had foundations that were unhealthy for both you and your partner at the time, but somehow you were also trying to survive your own ways. And it makes sense that a relationship can become this refuge that we need so much, the place where we can break barriers and allow ourselves to be in ways we wouldn’t with others. There’s something special in sharing that type of bond, even if it might become unhealthy and leaning towards co-dependency. We can be fully caught up in the moment without the possibiliy to take a moment to pause and reflect on th edynamics at play. It’s much more easier to look back and think about all the what if’s once we’re not in the situation anymore, and usually we use this to punish ourselves over and over.

I hope that opening up here about this part of your story would become a first step between many others towards forgiving yourself for what happened. For the fact that both you and them were human beings, with your strengths and your vulnerability, trying to cope as you could with life itself. Which isn’t excusing or removing any sense of accountability, for it is essential to grow as well from those experiences if you feel like there were wrongdoings or missed out opportunities. But it sounds like your heart needs a lot of love and compassion right now, first and foremost from yourself. For it is also an essential part of healing from these wounds.

Somehow, even if we share the deepest bond with someone, we are also not responsible of the choices they make in the long run. We care, we love, we feel for them and with them, but we don’t deserve to carry the weight of others decisions on ourselves either. The first spark that is needed for us to create a positive change in our life has to come from within. You might have tried as best as you could, but the result of their decision does not belong on your shoulders, my friend.

Sending much love your way. :heart:

-Marie-Anne, Heartsupport Staff