So… Hey. Some of you may remember me, some of you maybe not so much, but that’s okay.
I’m very ashamed to be writing this in all honesty because the last update I gave shortly after the final HeartSupport twitch stream was very positive.
It’s been about 8 months since I left my house. My room is the definition of a depression mess. You cannot move freely at all. Im struggling for money because I don’t have a job and have been deemed unfit to work by doctor due to my BPD having such a hold on me right now.
I have no motivation to do anything. I mean… literally anything. I wake up, I stare at the ceiling for 3 hours, I get on my PC and game, I go to bed just to repeat the same thing the next day.
I have no one to talk to other than ONE person who lives on the other side of the world.
The first step I truly believe would be to get my room cleaned up, but… I can’t. Everytime I think about it, my body just… shuts down. I recently let go of a support worker I had because I couldn’t get myself out to attend the meetings. I’m constantly thinking about self harm/suidice/drug use.
I really have no idea what to do. I feel like one hell of a lost cause. I don’t even know why I’m posting here honestly… I guess this is my last attempt at getting some gudiance and support.
I’m sorry if this was vague and doesn’t give much… For those who do remember me, you’ll know that I was always better at being the listening ear than the one needing to be listened to outside of a few people I trusted.
Hey Kayla, I do remember you from streams! So lovely to see you around, but I am sorry for the circumstances that have preceded this.
I can empathise deeply with being trapped in the house and even in bed. It sounds absolutely exhausting facing each day with the fight ahead.
It’s mentally and physically exhausting sometimes to just try exist let alone fight off the intrusive thoughts that accompany mental health lows.
I’m sorry to hear that you couldn’t make it to the meetings with your case worker, was there anyway you could connect with someone video Telehealth/video call or even if they could come to you?
And I also hear you when you say you feel like taking the step to clean your room would help, but your body shuts down. I get very overwhelmed by tasks, I get very overwhelmed if I feel like there won’t be a perfect outcome, and my body just decides it can’t move at all.
Would it help setting a small goal instead of having to tackle the entire thing at once?
Honestly I had also been feeling stuck in the same routine. I still sort of do, but yesterday was the first time in a while I got out in my garden, and I was so surprised and delighted to see a rosella bird. It was a refreshing break from the monotony. I know a little break from routine doesn’t necessarily solve all the problems, but sometimes it’s nice.
First off, thanks for reaching out and sharing what you’re going through. It’s really brave of you to open up, and I want you to know that you’re not alone in this.
It sounds like you’re stuck in a tough spot, and it’s totally okay and normal to feel overwhelmed. Dealing with a mess, both physically and emotionally, can be incredibly draining, especially when you’re struggling with motivation and mental health challenges.
I do wonder about breaking the task of your room into smaller, more manageable pieces. Instead of thinking about the entire room, focus on one small area at a time. You could set a timer for just 2 or 3 minutes to work on one spot and then take a break. Even small efforts can make a difference and help you feel a bit more in control.
And don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s okay to ask for help and to take things at your own pace. If talking to someone is difficult right now, perhaps reaching out to a mental health professional, even for a virtual session, could provide some support. They might also be able to help you with strategies for managing your BPD and other struggles.
You’re definitely not a lost cause, Kayla. It’s okay to need and ask for help. Keep reaching out, keep trying, and be kind to yourself. You’ve got this, one step at a time.
Sending positive thoughts your way. You matter! You’re not alone!