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I've been depressed for over 30 years

I don’t think anything or anyone can help me, so I’m not sure why I’m even writing this. I feel myself already getting angry at upcoming advice that, to me, will seem trite. I’ve tried pretty much everything. My “last chance” treatment was in the year 2000. Since then, I have accepted that this is the way my life will be.

I don’t want to feel anger toward anyone, but if nothing has worked, how in the world can anyone help?

Diagnoses: severe treatment-resistant depression, anxiety disorder, complex PTSD, OCD, diabetes, sleep apnea, degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, frequent infections (sinuses, ears, etc.), hypothyroidism, etc.

Treatments: Virtually every anti-depressant or other drug for depression and anxiety. The Seroquel and clonazepam probably help some, but in the long run have mostly likely done more harm than good. I no longer trust psych meds. I’ve had a shit-ton of counseling. None of it has helped enough. One counselor I had for years violated his ethics and ended up making me worse. He actually paid me off (didn’t realize it at the time) and casually cast me aside. He died in August…that left me with a lot of conflicting emotions. I had ECT in 2000. It works by making you forget everything, but when the memories come back, so does the depression. It damages your brain just enough to give you a break. Marijuana does the same thing and it’s less dangerous.

My lawyer friends says I could have sued numerous times for malpractice committed by doctors, psychiatrists and counselors, but lawyers don’t take your case if they don’t think it will make them a lot money. Plus, lawsuits only make depression and anxiety worse, so I couldn’t have done it anyway.

During the past five years, I’ve lost every person I loved except one and that one person was just diagnosed with cancer. When she dies…

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I joined this platform seeking help for my issues. No one has replied… mainly because I only joined 5 minutes ago. That being said, It is helpful to read that others are also looking for help, that I am not alone in my struggles in life. The mere fact that you are here means you are looking for something, an answer, maybe a response, even a suggestion on what to do. From what I have been reading so far is that to really help yourself, you must be open to everything and take in the good, and the bad, and hopefully it will help. I’m sorry I don’t have the answers, but as a person who is here seeking to talk with someone, all I can offer is a friendly ear/ open mailbox.

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Thanks for taking a chance by responding to me. I know I sound angry and fed up, but you’re right. I wouldn’t have written anything if I weren’t hoping for some kind of answer. Again, thanks for that.

I wish you the best, too. Maybe when my head is clearer I can participate in more discussions.

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Hey @LadyIncognito,

I feel your exhaustion with all my heart. And for what it’s worth, it’s okay if you need to be angry. I’ve been fighting with health problems and traumas for most of my life, and it’s only at 27 that I realize the virtue of being angry. In an ideal world, I would send a package to the people who wronged me that would include: bills to pay for healthcare - including mental health; a refund for all the time that I lost and justice for the tears that shouldn’t have been. That would feel SO therapeutic.

About giving/receiving advices… your thoughts are understandable. When you try a lot of things, you don’t want people who don’t know you to advise with things you already tried. But also, ultimately the decisions are yours. No one can decide for you, and no one has the right to do so. Someone can share their opinion or advice, but you are the one to decide whether it’s useful or not, and that’s okay.

Though I believe in the need to be acknowledged for our efforts, to be heard for our story, to be supported through our decisions. We all need that as human beings. It’s a fuel to keep moving on, especially when we feel like we’re spiraling or stuck in our life.

I have to say that somehow I feel for you because of the heaviness of carrying multiple diagnoses at the same time - to the point of having one that interacts with another one and makes everything more complicated. I share some struggles that are the same as yours - physical and emotional, mostly invisible if someone doesn’t live in my own body, which makes it even more difficult to share sometimes. I feel for you for the feeling that some people wronged you and added more problems and hurt instead of making things easier. I feel for you for feeling like your anxiety is preventing you from even receiving some kind of justice. But I also want to say that you’ve been doing what you can in the circumstances that were given to you. And doing your best is enough. You’ve been trying, you keep trying, and that’s something that needs to be said and encouraged.

I’m sorry you had those bad experiences with counselors…especially if ethics were violated with one of them. I have no doubt that you know it already, but not every counselor is a bookworm or a dumbass. It’s a matter of finding the right person. But I understand that it’s not always that easy, and the more you feel frustrated, the less you want to try to reach out again. Though it would be unfair for you to give up while you didn’t do anything wrong. You are deserving of support and care. And if not by a counselor, maybe by a community, a support group, a different kind of therapist or a doctor. There are good people out there. Not only people who don’t understand, don’t want to understand or, even worse, have damaging behaviors.

About the possibility to sue some people for malpractice, despite the circumstances or what others said, I want to ask: do you want lawsuits? What you want matters here. And maybe if it’s not with these lawyers specifically, there could be a possibility to reach out to a nonprofit for example, who could help and advise you for that kind of process. Also, beyond lawsuits, for doctors - and psychiatrists - there might be a way to report them to an ethics committee at least. It’s not the same, but it can be something that brings a bit of justice to your heart.

I’m also so sorry to hear about this person you love having cancer. That’s really tough, and I hope with all my heart that you’ll have the opportunity to spend time with her and just… keep loving each other as you always did until now. You’ll both need that and opportunities to laugh, smile, to just live and focus on simple things. Life is hard enough, it’s okay to breathe sometimes if you have the opportunity to do so.

Take care friend. Be safe. :hrtlegolove:

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