I've been really beating myself up about things

I just keep thinking and thinking. My first relationship when I was in highschool was abusive. He sexually abused me when I just turned 16, got me pregnant, I had a miscarriage which devastated me, and then he tried to get me to believe it never happened. He sexually abused me more, specifically at a park in the neighborhood we grew up in. Well years later, I started dating a now ex. We were together for 4 years, moved in together when I was 19 lived together for 2 of the four years. We we’re engaged at one point. He too was abusive but he is a narcissist and the relationship is just worse and worse the more I think about it. He too got me pregnant and I have my baby and I am away from my ex now with my baby but some days I just think too much. My ex fiance knew about my past. He new my ex highschool boyfriend got me pregnant and abused me at this park. My ex fiance proposed to me at that same park. He played so many mind games with me (he still tries too but it’s a little harder for him now that I’m away). Most recently at my last counseling appointment, I was working on EMDR involving stuff with my ex fiance and it came up About how he made me feel like a doll. Basically I felt like a sex doll for him to do as he pleased only for him to go back to playing video games once he was done with me. I was always left alone in our dark bedroom and that room kills me to think about. I was his toy and that was it. He destroyed my soul in so many ways. He used my miscarriage against me saying that I was always baiting him to get me pregnant just to get him stuck (I wasn’t pregnant with our baby yet either when he’d say this). Only for him to say he wanted to get me pregnant right before I did. Then right after he found out I was pregnant, he said great now my world has changed for ever. There’s so much going through my mind. My minds all over the place but it keeps going back to how he made me feel like nothing but an object for him to use and please himself with over and over. I just don’t know how to deal with it all sometimes.

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Dear @Boots,

The way you were treated by both was absolutely unfair, disrespectful and, as you said, highly abusive. The sexual abuses, the mind games, the manipulation – none of this has ever been your fault or responsibility. You have always deserved so much better, friend. You couldn’t know at the time how they would be, and there is no doubt that you’ve never stopped doing your best to just survive through all of this. You have, already, accomplished such strong steps by now being away from your ex, safe where you are and supported by your therapist. You also put words on what happened, you open up about these experiences, you don’t let it control you entirely. You are strong, friend.

It is heartbreaking that you have been treated this way by others in the past. Your body, your mind, your soul – your entire being – never deserve any less than unconditional respect, love, and safety. Although it makes sense to feel overwhelmed by memories and/or physical sensations at times. I promise you that you are not thinking too much. This is about traumas, which literally impacts our biology and brain over time. Feeling overwhelmed is not your fault or sometihng you necesarily control for now, and is okay. Your body remembers, and through therapy it may reactivate these physical memories multiple times. It is a tough process, although it is also how we free ourselves from being emotionally stuck in a traumatic time.

I am myself in the same process as you, and there are definitely times when I feel like drowning into this old feeling of being used, being an object to others. I remember times of my life when I was only seen as a body, and used because of it. The level of vulnerability that these situations create is so difficult to convey into words, and it still feels so vivid in the present moment. But I can promise you that you are not alone, and you are certainly not wrong for feeling the way you do. When our mind and body are processing traumas, sometimes it feels like we are just back to that exact same time and feel the exact same way as when we were hurt. During these seasons, it’s essential to be very kind and very patient with ourselves – there is no right or wrong way to feel, and it takes a lot of courage to face and name those sensations.

You are strong, @Boots. They didn’t break you and they don’t get to control your life anymore. You are safe right now. You are regaining control over your present life, even when it feels like being pulled back in the past. You have grown and progressed so much. Healing is definitely ugly and messy at times, and it’s perfectly to feel lost, to cry, to not find any answer. You are on the right path and I’m so very grateful for you, for reaching out and expressing such honest feelings. If needed, please make sure to express all of this with your therapist as well, as it will help them adapt your sessions together.

I’m sending plenty of virtual hugs your way. You are not an object to use. You are and have always been a human being with a unique identity, one that no noe could ever coopy or replace. I see you. You have worth in this world, not because of your body and absolutely not based on how others treated you You have worth because you are you. They don’t get to take your identity away from you. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Mamadien

Boots, thank you so much for telling us what is happening in your life. I’m so sorry that you have been through so much at such a young age. No one should have to deal with any kind of abuse including what you have experienced. Please know that none of this was your fault, nor did you do anything that caused this to happen to you. I think you probably know that, but I want you to know that I know it too. You deserve to be loved and cherished by a partner. I am so glad to hear that you are doing trauma therapy. You are in the right place to get the right help. Stay the course and do the hard work. Stay strong as I know this can be difficult. As you work through this, know that if you need to just talk/write about what you are thinking and feeling, this is a safe place where you can do that. We are here to walk with you through this as you work toward healing and moving forward in life. You are incredibly strong, you matter, you are loved. Love that little one and keep us posted on how you are.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Boots, thanks for posting and I’m so so sorry you’ve been thru so much pain. I’m really glad that you’ve been in EMDR because I’ve heard it can work wonders if it’s right for you. I would encourage you to keep working on healing your trauma and remember that you are safe now and you have control over things. ~Mystrose

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, My goodness you have been through so much in such a short life and I am so incredibly sorry that, that is the case, the trauma that has come your way is dreadful and none of it was any fault of yours, I hope you know that. Your first relationship was a cruel and violent person who didnt deserve you or anyone come to that and your second one wasnt that much better. I am so very pleased you are in therapy and working through things so that you and your baby can have a better life together so that mayge in time you will find you can move forward and possibly meet someone new and you will have the courage and the belief in yourself to know your worth and how you will and wont be treated by someone. In the meantime please take care of yourself and your baby. we are always here for you. Much Love Lisa. x

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