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I've changed so much that I'm lost now

A year ago I started changing. At the time, I was extremely judgemental, mean, condescending and mischievous. I wanted to improve myself and be a better person. I became a much more gentle, patient and generous person, way more wholesome overall. But I keep wanting more. I want to be more kind, more sweet, more trustworthy, more my ideal self. People keep telling me I’m too hard on myself and I know, I’ve always been. But it’s become an obsession. Whenever I make a mistake, and accidentally become mean like I was a year ago, I can’t forgive myself and end up begging others for forgiveness. I beat myself up over the smallest things. Now the problem is, that I’m confused. I do something, regret it, then change my mind, then contradict myself, because the old me and the new me overlap and I end up acting like different people at different times. Constantly being self-aware of how I act and what I say is exhausting and I’ve learned that being a good person is way harder than being a bad one. My thoughts are blurry, constantly contradict eachother, I aim for something then change my mind, I don’t know who I am and who I want to be anymore. I’m now in a constant mood of confusion.
Latest example, I got pissed at my boyfriend over a tiny thing. I was thinking, “I’m right, he should apologize” like I always did a year ago. 10 seconds later, I apologized to him and thought “I should be sweeter, I’m tired of being a b*tch.” 20 seconds later, I thought “why am I even trying? I’ll never reach my ideal self because I’m aiming for something that’s out of reach.” A few minutes later I went back to wanting to be the sweetest kindest girl in the world. And now I just want to lose the ability to think. I’m feeling overwhelmed by all those contradicting thoughts. It’s been a year and though I’ve made a lot of progress, I’m still far from the person I strive to be. I know that nobody can be perfect, but I keep feeling like I shouldn’t ever be angry at people, because I want to be a compliant person that is always patient. I went from a very open person that never hid anything, to someone who isolates herself more and more often and bottles things up because my ideal self is a girl that never bothers others with her own problems. I’ve erased some parts of who I am because I’m obsessed with becoming the perfect person in my very high standards. I just wish I could stop jumping from one extreme to another.

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Hey friend,

I can relate to this on so many levels.

10+ years ago, I was a completely different person. I was over reactive, completely lacking in emotional maturity, I was resentful, bitter, angry and a cross mix of a lot of other things. Basically a person that I did NOT like and I felt like a MONSTER. It took a lot of patience I think to be friends with me. I sometimes wonder how my long time friends survived our friendship. I am forever grateful for them. For being patient, guiding me and being forgiving.

Look friend, I know what its like to want to be better. To improve. I know what it’s like to have to start the practice of having a mind that is used to being one way and training it to think differently, grow and improve. I know how easy it can be to slip back into old ways. It’s definitely a process, takes patience, dedication and does not happen over night.

It’s good to aim to be more gracious. To be more mindful, open and aware. Of ourselves, of others and the things around us. Its good to practice not reacting emotionally to things that we don’t need to and to practice HOW to react. It’s good to try to embrace positive energy and less of negative. Whether it’s not participating in drama, or something as little as, trying not to road rage. I’m always trying to remind myself not to invest my energy into needless petty energies.

Friend, you are human. A part of this process is also learning how to be patient with yourself. You’re going to make mistakes somewhere down the line because we all do. I have been learning that it’s less about needing to spend so much time beating ourselves up over making a mistake and more about asking ourselves “Okay, how can I work on improving this?” - For example, what you just shared about your boyfriend. You caught yourself being one way, corrected it. That counts. Now let that be. You caught yourself and actively tried to be better. If you do that, that’s all you need. Don’t beat up on yourself. Just keep putting in the effort to be aware.

You are already aware of where you struggle. Of where you contradict yourself. Do you even realize how that alone makes you so incredibly strong? A lot of people can’t even admit where they are wrong or messing up. A lot of people don’t know how to face the areas they may struggle in. You recognize it. That’s a powerful tool.

You are human and you are going to have human emotions. Like you, I want to practice not being so angry or mad at people. For the most part I’ve gotten so much better at that, but I still sometimes slip and react poorly. Then I feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed. I feel stupid. But, I try to push away from that self degrading cycle and just try to keep bettering. I apologize for my behavior and I work on it. I open up to people and tell them to remind me if I step outside of that. To help keep me accountable. I tell people that it’s okay to gently approach me and call me out. I ask them how I can improve on our relationships and communication. Communication goes such a long way!

Do yourself a favor. Stop thinking about “becoming the perfect person” and stop setting such high standards on yourself. That won’t help my friend.

Just write your goals out. Write out where you struggle. The ways you can work and improve those things. Allow yourself to make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes. We become stronger from them. In time, you will find that you don’t slip as often.

I’m sorry if this is long and all over the place. I just know this fight. I went through it. I still am going through it. It sounds like you have made really great progress already <3 That’s wonderful.

Be patient with yourself <3

  • Kitty
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Thank you so much for this. I’ll try my best to try to keep an optimistic outlook on this, and in the end, the person I want to be is optimistic and positive as well, so it’s a win-win, I guess. I just hope I can soon lose hope less often than these days. Thank you again <3

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Of course, and if you ever want to talk about it more Nihil, you’re welcome to share more here or even DM me. I just know all too well how challenging this process can be.

And if you’re not in the Heart Support discord already: https://discord.gg/PugPzE here’s the link. Lots of people there to connect.

And https://heartsupport.com/resources/ if you are interested in checking out any of the Heart Support books by Ben Sledge. I’m currently working through their book Dwarf Planet. Which is the book and guide through depression. It’s worth checking out if you haven’t already <3