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Belongs to: Therapist Fades to Black | Metallica
Ive come to accept im unreachable and will be alone. Was super depressed for well over a decade. I am no longer sad about it though, just kind of numb to it all now. Kind of at peace with it but even then still not happy. At least I can feel happiness occasionally now tho, but therapy and meds failed me, so ive fought this battle on my own.
Welcome to HeartSupport and thank you for your post to the Metallica reaction video. It sounds like you have been through a lot and come out stronger today after going through depression for so long. I am curious about your medication and therapy comments, if you don’t mind me asking, did you just not click with a therapist/therapists? Also, with the medication, did you feel they didn’t work or did you gave some bad side effects? I am just curious since when I have been depressed I honestly don’t know how much the medication has helped me (other than sleep medication since I always would have severe difficulty falling and staying asleep), but I do know that talk therapy definitely did help me to process through why I was feeling the way I was. Well, either way, I am glad you are still with us and battling through, and also glad to hear that you are able to have moments of happiness through the numbness. I know that feeling well, of just being numb - and it is comforting in some ways to know that nothing good or bad is really going to affect your mood, but it does rob you of a lot of joy and emotion in life long-term. I hope you are able to find someone to talk to - someone that can reach you and know you and love you for who you are. These are some of our core needs as human beings: to be known, to be loved, to be heard, and to be seen. I believe we are created for community, and I hope that HeartSupport can be a place where you feel welcomed and included, but that you can also branch out and make some other human connections closer to home IRL. Take care, and know we are always here to offer encouragement, support, and hope. Keep battling!
You found some peace in the darkness and that is amazing. You are not alone when you are with us we and myself can provide support here and listen to your voice. And the numbness is a difficult thing to process, sometimes I think it’s a way to remember your happiness longer. Helping you block out the wave of depression to store some memory of being happy. Can you tell me some of your moments that you remember? And I deeply understand how therapy can fail you, if you can try again. Because there are great therapist out there. Sadly, they are hard to find.
I just want to say that I am so happy to hear you are still pushing through and fighting despite the hardships and sadness you have faced. Clearly this has been a very long and gruelling battle for you, which I’m sure has been extremely draining and can feel very alienating.
I think it can be a very normal thing to experience a change in affect and a protective mechanism such as feelings of numbness which come along when we are going through immense pain. Have you ever considered that this might be you suppressing this pain and depression which has taken so much joy and opportunity in life? I am glad to hear that you are now able to experience more happiness than in the past, however it may be an option worth exploring to reopen yourself up to full introspection and try to experience a full range of emotions again without any fear of potential consequences. I am not sure if this would help, but deep meditation or similar activities may be helpful. In addition, having these conversations with trusted close others may help you through catharsis and self-disclosure!
I completely understand the feeling of being alone. It can take over and consume you. But trust me when I say that you are not alone in this feeling, or in life. You are valuable and worthy of all happiness. While therapy and medication may not have worked yet, please don’t give up hope. This is a long process for many but can have amazing results. Perhaps medication is not a good route for you, or perhaps you have not had the right kinds. Perhaps a more multi method approach, or more cognitive or social approaches should be explored before you conclude that nothing can help. I believe in you and your ability to find the best course of action for yourself through trial and error!
I wish you all the best on this journey. Take care of yourself and please reach out whenever you would like!