I've got my dream job and yet I still feel like life isn't worth living

I got my dream job a few days ago! I am still in awe that God gave it to me. During the interview, I heard this voice in my head, saying, “I’m giving this to you.” Now, this has only happened a couple of other times in my life. Where I literally could “hear” God tell me, through His still small voice, ahead of time, that he was going to make something happen. In the very, very rare occasions this has happened, I excitedly say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” And then it’s come to pass.

I have my dream job. Yet, I’m feeling more hopeless than ever. I’m having suicidal thoughts. I know. Hard to believe.

I took this job, FULLY KNOWING, God was giving it to me. After praying, and hearing his still small voice, I knew this was exactly where I am supposed to be. I accepted it. I’m SUPER EXCITED. You have no idea!

The days students don’t have school, I won’t get paid. I expected that would be the case. So now I have anxiety about not having a consistent amount on my paycheck. After living under the poverty level for SO LONG and getting super cheap health insurance due to that, I am scared of how much the premiums for the company sponsored insurance will cost me every month (especially with not having a consistent amount on my paycheck every month). It will cost four times as much as what I’m paying now. I figured, what’s the point of making more money if it’s just going to go to pay for higher insurance premiums??? Even if by some miracle I am able to keep Obamacare, my premiums will still be a LOT higher due to having a higher income. I’m scared about paying the company insurance premiums for summer, when I won’t be working. I will have to get a summer job. However, my current job will probably take the summer premiums out before, even further lowering my monthly pay.

My mental health can’t handle working a second job during the school year. That isn’t an option.

I still have the stupid lump in my breast. Now with all my fears of money, I really don’t want to deal with it. I was going to deal with it after getting company sponsored insurance. But now with that deductible being a lot higher than my current one, I don’t want to.

I was still planning on seeing the natural health specialist for my mental health. (She also happens to have been healed using natural methods for stage 4 breast cancer.) Who knows if that will happen now. I already am afraid of being able to pay the rest of my bills with this high health insurance cost. Thus, I’m very concerned about being able to afford the supplements this practitioner would prescribe. Considering a good chunk of my income will go to pay for health insurance. Please don’t tell me to just go to a doctor and worry about the money later. My mind absolutely cannot deal with this extra stress , financial or mental/emotional, on top of everything else!

I seriously am to a point where I have no regard for my own life. My mental health has been bad for so long. But I thought with settling in with a new job, things would get better. The prospect of being able to see this natural practitioner gave me a renewed sense of hope. Ha! Now I probably won’t even be able to afford the supplements this practitioner will prescribe. All because health care costs in the country are going to be eating the money I would have used to pay for them. If my body wants to kill me with cancer, so be it. I’m done. Take me out. I have no desire to live anymore. This sounds bad. But if it is cancer, and it gets too painful or makes it hard to live, that’s what suicide is for.

The real heart wrenching thing is, on the outside no one knows the pain inside. All they see if I’m super excited to start this job. And I SO, SO am! Yet, there’s all this turmoil beneath the surface. People would look at me like, “What do you have to be depressed about? You got your dream job!” If I look at this situation from outside myself, it’s heart breaking. I have my dream job, and I know God made it clear I should take it and trust that he’ll provide, and I still am having thoughts of not wanting to live any more. I spend time with God. I get a glimmer of hope, but the pain doesn’t fully go away. I know as a Christian I’m not immune to pain and suffering. But I really don’t see any hope anymore. I get my dream job, and yet now I’m dealing with new stress. I was really excited to see this natural health specialist, thinking I finally was going to get help with this anhedonia/stress/fatigue I’ve dealt with for SO long. And now, due to finances, that might be ripped away from me. If God would just miraculously take this lump from me, so I could feel a little relief from the burden of being alive, I would be so, so, so grateful right now.

In my heart, I know that where God leads God provides. I know that.

I also know that I’d rather have a job that I truly feel called to do, where I am required to trust God to financially provide for me, than to feel more financially secure and just be working a job to work a job.

Yet, the burdens never end. Life isn’t worth living anymore.

First of all Congratulations on the job.! Take it from someone whom in my younger days always struggled with money. Please take a deep breath. You can’t worry about so much at once. This would be an impossible feat for anyone. Give your worries to God. He has given you a purpose with your new job.Have faith that he will provide all you need. He will always guide you on the right path. Sit down, make a list and tackle one thing at a time. Learning or trying something new in itself is enough to set your Anxiety in overdrive. There is always time to worry about money. There are a lot of programs to help with Mental Health issues that are on a flexible payment based on your income.

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I want to tell you I know how you feel. In 2015 I got my dream job. Less than 4% of applicants even get an interview, and less than 1% get hired and I got it. My first try. There was someone with me that got the job as well and it was her 8th time interviewing. (You can only reapply every 6 months) so she was trying for at LEAST FOUR YEARS! And I got it. I prayed. God laid it out perfectly. The timing was perfect. The dates of the interview worked with my work and class schedule. It was literally perfect. And I got the job. and I was ecstatic. I cried tears of joy. And then I was sad. I was mad. I was lonely. I was angry. I turned my back on God’s plan and I left. I quit my dream job because of ME and how I felt and how I allowed worldly things to worry me and upset me to the point where I blamed the job. I didn’t blame me. I blamed the job for not being consistent. I blamed the people around me. I blamed everything but me. When the reality of it was it was my fault for the most part. I allowed things that didn’t need to stress me out to do so. And man, I was depressed immediately. I was mad at myself for letting go and not trying through the hard parts. I prayed for 3 years straight every single day for God to show me His plan for me and I already knew I had found it and turned my back on His plan. God was showing me that I could do it. I got interviews every other company for the same position consistently for 3 years but I didn’t get the job. It made no sense. I was qualified, I was the perfect candidate, and I had the job before and I just didn’t get it. I got a denial from 6 different companies during the 3 years. I was heartbroken and just felt like a failure. It was only that I completely let go and let God take control that I got in again. Almost the same circumstances as the first time. And there are still trying days. There are still hard times and uncertainty and stress beyond belief. But I am so so so happy that I kept trying and not giving up and finally letting God take control and accepted that I, Me, Myself, did it. I dont want you to go through the next 10 years regretting leaving if it’s where you feel God wants you and needs you. He wouldnt give you anything you can’t handle. you can do it. take it from me.

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