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I've had multiple suicide attempts and it's just become worse

I’ve had depression for around 8 years or more and in the last two years, I’ve attempted suicide 4 times. I’ve always had anxiety and was never able to make friends or even talk to people much. I had a few friends but they all abandoned me for other people. This wasn’t that big an issue but the loneliness has become worse. I don’t have anyone to talk to and everyone either hates me or just ignores me. Most probably because of how pessimistic and pathetic I am. My family calls me worthless and they have no faith that I would be able to do anything with my life. Which, I suppose, is true because I have no goals or aspirations. I used to be good at school but I gave up at the start of this year because I have no desire or idea about doing anything beyond this year. I always thought that I would have died before I ever became this worthless. I always have a feeling of regret for every choice I’ve made. I know that there isn’t any other end for me. I don’t know why I’m writing this really. Words seem meaningless and I don’t really have any hope left. The date I’ve decided for the final suicide attempt is Christmas. I’ll make sure I die. I’ll overdose and hang myself. Though, it doesn’t get any better so I might just try again before then.

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Hey @mei-mei

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your thoughts in here, that is honestly a huge step and one that should not be taken lightly. You say that your friends have abandoned you for other people and I totally get that feeling. I don’t know your situation with your friends, but I don’t think you are pathetic. You have taken the time to come here and reach out to complete strangers and that is in my eyes a huge sign of strength. It shows to me that you are not ready to completely give up yet.
Maybe you’re even looking for a sign that it’s not all useless and that there are still good people in the world. Let this be that sign.

You don’t have to be perfect in school to have value, and you don’t have to know exactly what you want in order to be loved by people. Heck you don’t even have to 100% stand behind the choice you made, the important thing is: you made a choice. Is it the right one? We will never know, but the important thing is: you made a choice.
Writing this out, was also a choice and I’m really glad that you did, because to me it shows that you are still trying to live!

You say you are going to school, right? That is awesome! You are actively working on improving yourself and your education. That is great! I’m proud of you for doing that. Okay, so you don’t know yet what you will do after this year, you still have the time to figure that out. You don’t have to rush into things. When I finished high school I didn’t know what I was going to do and I just went for the first university course I thought was good, but I didn’t finish it. It wasn’t for me. So I changed my subject and maybe after I’m done I might change it again. It’s okay to take the time to think about what you want to do with your life, even if people around you say it’s not. You have a lifetime to figure out what works best for you. Whether it is work, or the way you set up your day, you have the power to make it work.
I believe you can do that.

There’s something I started to tell myself every night since the beginning of this year.

You are Loved! You are Strong! You are Beautiful! You are Important!

You are Loved by people around you. They might not be the people you expect and they might not be the best at expressing it, but when you are gone they will definitely miss you. Maybe the people that care about you will show it in a love language that you don’t know yet. Did you know there are multiple ways to show someone that you care about them? There are people that rely on physical touch, others need to give gifts, a third party might spend uninterupted, quality time with you, words of affirmations is also a way of showing love to someone, and the last one: acts of service; helping people that need it. I wouldn’t be here, writing this, if I didn’t think you were were worth it.

You are Strong. You have survived 100% of your worst days. That takes so much strength. You say you have attempted suicide a couple of times, but you still survived that. You say you have anxiety and that can make it so hard to go out and face the day, but you still do it! That’s so amazing and I’m so proud that you do that, despite your anxiety, despite the feeling of loneliness, despite having the feeling that people are against you. You still survived. You wrote here, which takes a lot of strength too. You might not see it now, but people around you, who pay attention do! You are so strong!

You are Beautiful! Beauty comes from the inside out. It might not always be that clear, but it’s definitely there. That little voice that told you to write this message? That voice is part of your beauty! Personally, I think that everyone is beautiful until proven otherwise and you struggling is not proving me the otherwise, so you are still Beautiful, at the very least in my eyes.

You are Important! Now this one is the most important one, because it’s the one that is most often forgotten. Often times you don’t know how big your impact on someone else’s life is, simply because they don’t know how to tell you. But trust me when I say that you are important to more people then you are aware of. Whether you smile to someone every day, or you just go for a walk in the park. You might be the highlight of someone’s day, just by them seeing you. You are important, simply because you exist. You don’t have to do anything special for that.
You are enough!

I hope you read this. And please feel free to send a private message if you want to talk further.
Also make sure to reach out to your local crisis lines, the ones in your country.

I don’t think you are a failure, I don’t think you are worthless. You are just struggling and it’s okay. It will be okay.

Lots of love,
Nyntje

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I planned my suicide a few times before I actually attempted. I’ve always felt completely worthless and like everyone hated me . When I finally did attempt nobody knew . I begged god to let me die . It was the darkest place I’ve been. Nothing mattered at all . But what we think and what is actually true are different things. Nobody thought all the bad things about me that I was telling myself they did . Well expect for maybe my parents lol they really had no love to give and it’s sucks but I don’t need them to have a good life . That part is up to me . It is so hard to get out from under that dark shroud. But you posting here tells me your aren’t ready to throw the towel in . My answer to your friends is they aren’t the right friends. It’s been hard to find friends that don’t make me feel awful for being sad or depressed. That’s because not everyone can relate the that crushing heartache that makes you just want to rip your heart out of your chest. Or why you don’t did from that pain because is hurts so bad . You’re sharing on here was very brave . I know that you would be missed . Your story isn’t over . Keep writing until your someplace you never could of imagined existed. Keep up the fight. All my love T

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Thank you for taking the time to reply to this. It’s just that I don’t see any point in going on. I don’t know why I need to live. I don’t have anyone or anything pushing me on anymore. I’m only alive because it’s painful to kill yourself and I’m scared of getting permanent damage in case I survive. I don’t want to live just to go on and live a normal life like everyone else. Doing a job for the next 60-something years and then retiring and being left alone. I am barely able to get through a single day. How do I get through years? How can anyone be willing to do that? I don’t want to experience any more of the mundanity. There’s nothing else to life. This is all there is. I read about all these fantastical things in books and it turns out that none of them are real. Life is just living the same routines and suffering the same old miseries till you die. Watching humans destroy each other and the planet. Having to live with guilt and regret about everything. It’s just trying to distract yourself from the pointlessness and meaninglessness of it all till you pass away. The lives that they show in books and shows are all a lie. There isn’t going to be any change that would suddenly happen. No one is going to come up to me one day and save me. It’s all the same everyday. I also have to go through this alone because my pessimism and negative qualities drive everyone away and they abandon me. Why would anyone want a life like this? I don’t want to go on. It’s just so hopeless.

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Hey @mei-mei

Thank you for your response. I really know the feeling of not knowing how to go on, it feels hopeless, dark and like it’s never going to end, right? The thing is though… you have so much of your life in your control. Doing a job for the next 60-something years? You can choose the job you do. Hell you can even decide to do some volunteer work on the side and get involved in people around you, not all of them are bad, you know? You can read about those fantastical things in books and hope they become real, but you can also pick up the pen of your own story and start writing in small things that make you smile.
I agree that there are a lot of people that destroy each other and the planet, because they don’t seem to care. And goodness do I know how it can feel like you’re the only person trying to make a change, but if you really start looking, you can find more people like you. They are willing to make a change. They are willing to reach out to others and might make you believe in people again. I have met a lot of lovely people here, in this community who reach out to each other when they are feeling down. Or sometimes even, just because they think about you.

In a lot of shows and books the main character is going through a really rough time. Sometimes they don’t see the obvious answer to their problem that is right in front of them. Sometimes they have people reaching out to them, but more often than not the main character has to reach out to someone else for help. Like Spider-Man had to reach out to Happy to get out of the Netherlands in the last movie. I know it can be very scary to ask people for help, especially if they are people you look up to or professionals in the mental health field. But it’s worth it. You don’t have to fight alone, there’s a whole community here that is willing to support you in your journey to becoming healthier. You’re not alone. We can be here to root for you. We can be here to remind you that you have value by just existing, because you do! You’re not alone, we have our hands stretched out, the only thing you have to do is just grab it.
Also did you know that heartsupport also has a stream and discord server in which you can connect with even more people that think the same way I do?

You’re loved! You’re strong! You’re Beautiful! You’re Important!

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