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I've kinda just realized something

Hi. I’ve kinda just realized something.
I’m not exactly in a position where I can have friends. At least not irl friends. I’m not exactly sure how online friends work, but I’m starting to come to terms that it might be all I will have right now. I’d like to make friends irl, but, I don’t exactly talk to people anymore, and I’ve blocked out everyone I’ve wanted to talk to. I’ve kinda made no chance for myself, and I guess I’m going to learn to accept it. And try to figure out how this online stuff works.
I’ve never usually been one for online connections, but more and more it seems like its all I have… Haha. I guess it’s just starting to hit me. I have to be greatful to have at least this. And start getting used to being alone again.
This isn’t exactly a bad thing, I need to get used to this, I need to remember what this is like. It’s what fixed me last time.
Knowing you’re all alone, and you have no one, that’s what saved my life last time.
But while I don’t have anyone, I still have people online right now, so I can be greatful for one thing, even if it may not be healthy for me.

You know, I just realized how ironic that is.
The one and only wish I have ever had, and the last thing that has ever helped me, or even been granted.
-X

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The great thing about online friends is that there is a real person who does really care on the other end! Online communities and friendships can last a lifetime and have a huge impact. I imagine that Covid has probably made it hard to be physically social sometimes too.
Sometimes it’s okay for us to out grow or move in from the people we have in our lives. Sometimes it’s healthy even if it wasn’t a bad end.
I see you post and the people who appreciate your posts and your help and who love how you also share your life with them and I think that’s something special!
Do you feel like you’re alone when you’re communicating with people online? Do you feel like you’ve been able to have connection with them?
Or would you prefer to feel like you have someone who can be physically present?

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Online friends can be great, but I can’t say I know much about it. I’ve always only had irl friends, but they were all toxic. The ones who weren’t, we just didn’t try hard enough to keep in touch.

I do feel alone. It’s not just with virtual but headmates too, if something isn’t actually there, I don’t feel as connected. I don’t feel like it’s as real. I guess I just don’t understand it very much. A real connection is only real when you give it more time and attention than you expect, and that’s all I really know about it. When someone’s psychically present you can do things with with, not only talk but play games, watch TV together, explore the world together, go to eachothers houses and play hide and seek, talk with their family, etc etc. There’s so much more you could go irl. Yes, people online know me more than people do irl, but that doesn’t exactly give me a connection. It almost feels unreal, you can talk to these people, but it doesn’t mean you can ever become close. Like staring through a thick glass window. You can see what you could have, but you’ll have that. You can interact with the other side, but you’ll never be anything more than part of a scenery.
I just have to except I may or may not ever have a meaningful real life connection with people.
-X

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That’s totally understandable, and you’re very right about being able to explore and do things with people who are actually there and present.
It does make it a lot harder online.
Has there been any groups or activities you feel confident enough to join at all? I’m not sure what it’s like around where you live. Where I live people are extremely social and there’s always events and things to do. I imagine for some people it’s daunting to try to join in and make new friends. Have you found it easy or difficult when it comes to irl friendship?

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Idk, I think in the end the point is friends are bad for me. I shouldn’t be talking to people at all. I shouldn’t even be socializing. It doesn’t matter I people are good or bad anymore, I shouldn’t be talking to anyone because I care about people way too much and will get hurt or fuck up. I need to just stay in my own head. It’s not only safer that way but I won’t bother people either. And if I can’t do that then I should just help people and not seek to get help from them or get too close. I really want to but, what’s the point. Only bad things happen. I want to talk more with the people here, I do, but I’m scared. Idk, it doesn’t matter. I’m so fucking bipolar about literally anything to do with people. And when I’m alone, and I get used to being alone, I’m so much better. Everything is normal again and I can stop worrying. Idk. Idkidkidk. I just hate people. But I don’t? But they’re unhealthy, but theyre helpful. But mainly unhealthy. Mainly unhealthy. I think because my traumas with friends I’m alot more odd about it than I should be.
-X

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could it be that your traumas are so large, and still so present with you because of your role, that it is really hard for you to forget it all and let someone new in?
It makes total sense to me, btw, the wanting to have irl friends but then remembering that they’re actual flesh and bone creatures that can harm you. You’re the protector, your instinct is to protect and humans have shown themselves to be nasty and mean and hurtful .
Not sure i have any ides how to bridge that gap between what you want and how to get it, but i’ll keep thinking on it. Online friendships are what a lot of us are relying on these days to get us through, but that also has its own set of worries, but the HS bunch have been around for a bit and it’s a bit safer to trust that people are close to what they say they are, and how they are.

Hope you can find a happy medium, and not feel so alone at the end of the day. It’s a tough spot to be in, I truly feel for you and wish we could all somehow be able to reach through screens and be there for our friends here!

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As Sita stated it sounds like perhaps the trauma you’ve experienced is making it difficult to open up to friendship because your heart and mind know the patterns that can from from it.
I see you’ve come to know that some good can come out of talking as you know that your own words have helped others through their struggles.
As for you “fucking up”, life is such a strange journey and nobody has figured out how to do it perfectly. Do you hold yourself responsible for precious breakdowns in relationships? Have you felt like you’re a burden to others? I assure you that you definitely are not a burden or a bother.
I know we talked about how you don’t get the same experience from internet connection as irl connection, but I think you’re taking steps in the right direction. There are safe places and safe people in the world who will treat you with the respect you deserve and the kindness you deserve

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Hi friend :slightly_smiling_face:
Friends. What a great topic. I could write page after page about it. I had my fair share of friends in my life so far and still have. Some irl and some online. To be fair I feel much bigger connection to the people here then to my irl friends but that is because we have shared some very heavy things. Friends can bring both joy and sorrow. Moments of excitement and moments of dissapointment. It is a mixed bag. Friends as all people change and so do you. I have fallen out of a friendship because I have changed and also because others have changed.
I have a friend that for a long time I have called my best friend. That changed some time after he started drinking heavily and meeting with different kind of people. It was not like we fought or anything we have just sort of stopped talking so much, stopped hanging out so often and other stuff. It did not go out with a bang but with a whimper. We are still friends tho altho not as close as before.
What I want to say is… friendships are a complicated matter. Your reasoning seems to be that you cant have friends because you get attached to people too easily and then you get hurt. Now this is legitemate concern however I dont thing that isolating yourself is the best solution. In a short term yes it will bring you space to breathe in so you can focus on yourself and you wount be bothered by other people but I dont think it is going to work in the long term.
You are going to be meeting with people. Whether it is at work or at school you are going to meet people and you will have to interact with them. I think what you should work on is learning how to not get atteched too quickly and how to spot red flags in a relationship. How to spot a manipulative person, how to protect yourself and things like that. I have a couple of videos that I will share with you here on the subject. 10 Signs of Fake Nice People - YouTube
10 Examples of What Gaslighting Sounds Like - YouTube
How To Spot A Pathological Liar - YouTube
12 Early Signs A Relationship Won't Last - YouTube
9 Signs Someone is a Narcissist - YouTube
10 Signs Someone is Lying to You - YouTube
I would also like to tell you that I really like us being friends and I like talking to you. :wink: You are very deserving of people that love you and appretiate you. I would like for you to have a great irl friend that would be there for you. You are a very nice and caring person. I know you want to protect yourself and let me tell you that only you know what is best for you and you have te absolute right to protect yourself but isolating yourself from the world is impossible to do for a long time.
I hope you will find a safe place for youself to regain strengh and energy. Please know that I am here whenever you need it. :wink: I care about you and your happiness very much. Take care.
-Your friend Ashwell.

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Hello :slight_smile: I also relate to this so much. I’m autistic so when I find someone I really connect with and get on with, I tend to jump in deep and quickly because why not! It’s a good thing and I don’t understand people who wouldn’t want more of a good thing. Because of past experiences of just being dropped or ghosted by long term close friends, I started trying to hold back and at least try to see if they felt the same and match their level. I did this with my housemate and I’m sure we were at the same level and it got deep fast. It was amazing, while it lasted. What I didn’t account for, is that NT people change, fast. If nothing changes in a friendship then I would never see any reason to stop. It was good before, it’s still good but apparently not everyone is like that. She couldn’t ghost me cause we live together but she drifting far and fast. It sucks and it’s painful but I think it was worth it while it lasted.
I am who I am, I love hard and fast and I could become hard and cynical and not let anyone in but I don’t want to be like that. I think being able to love is a beautiful thing even if you risk being hurt. So I’m still trying to get better at judging people and their ability to hurt me early but I’m also just going to accept that this is who I am and who I want to be and getting hurt or risking getting hurt is a part of that.
We all made it through that kind of pain before so we can do it again! And who knows maybe one day we’ll all find that person or people who life will let stick around.

Anyway sorry for the ramble, I hope my experience and thoughts on the subject are in anyway helpful, it’s 5am here so I’m only semi lucid :laughing: That cat is adorable. Hope you have a good night under the stars! (Sounds badass to me.)

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