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I've never felt so alone & empty

I can’t stop crying… My relationship is falling apart.

Everything seems to be getting worse, my partner doesn’t seem to want to talk to me anymore, she says she “shouldn’t have to put up with my shit.”

Sometimes I can wake up in a bad mood, I’m fully aware it happens and I’m very accountable for my actions… But I can’t think of a time where she has once tried to validate my feelings or tell me she’s there for me.

I always get told I’m causing a problem or making an issue…

Am I really that much of a bad person that she thinks so lowly of me, that she can’t approach and be honest with me?

We’ve discussed an endless amount of times, addressing issues that bother us whilst we’re arguing is not the best way to go about addressing an issue.

What’s best is that we have the ability to listen and talk to each other no matter what the topic of conversation, negative or positive…

As a person, I crave in depth, intellectual conversations, but to her I’m just a broken record…

I’ve noticed she only ever tells me the truth during arguments, because that’s where she grows the confidence to shout at me and tell me what’s on her mind… never any other time.

I have told her so many times, I want us to have the ability to talk calmly about any issues we may have between each other.

When I say I want to talk, she views it negatively… What I’m trying to do, is get things off my chest so that the negativity doesnt evolve into resentment between each other.

… but after so many years of this happening, all of the things I’ve bottled up because of her over the years, just to keep the peace, are now boiling over.

I’m fully aware our relationship won’t last on peace and silence, but she thinks for some reason it will…

Please help, I don’t know where else to go…

All I have for emotional support is her, and now I don’t even have that…

Now when I cry, I don’t see any empathy from her, she just rolls her eyes and says, “here we go again”…

Have I really been that much of a horrible person to deserve to be looked down upon and taken the piss out of for my extreme emotions?

It’s lockdown here in the UK and I can’t even escape to a friend’s house to take a break…

Where it truly hurts the most, is almost every argument she tells me: “I need help, I’m not working to improve myself, I’m just a horrible and nasty cunt.”

(As much as I’m not bothered about name calling, it still hurts me every single time…)

Even though I joined the Heart Support community to help me become a better person for her and myself.

She reminds me on a regular basis, I’m not doing anything of the sort… I just pretend and sit on my arse and do nothing…

How can I work with someone who thinks so low of me?

I clearly do a lot to try and better myself, but she reminds me a lot that I don’t…

When in my heart, I thought I was making really good progress…

Maybe just not good enough for her I guess? I don’t know.

My emotions are all over the place, I can’t seem to muster my strength to be happy without her.
She is everything to me, but there is nothing or no emotions I can show to her anymore that will help her understand, I’m just hurting really bad and I need a friend…

Now, it seems as if us getting on with each other, is nothing but a dream…

If it ends between us two, it feels like it would be the end of my happiness.

Ive dedicated so much of my life to her and thrown so many chances away at having another close friend to talk to, but because I trusted she would always be there for me in the end, I never pursued it.

I guess I don’t deserve to have that support from her…

I’m trying so hard to make things better between us but I seem to be making it worse.

I’ve never felt so alone and empty.

I’m really struggling today, and we dont seem to be improving…

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Hey man please friend me over Facebook messenger at Clark Andrews jr. I would love to talk to you! I have been through this and some more on top… But I’ve beaten this situation. I’d love to talk.

Thinking about not having her in your life is like looking over the edge of a chasm and thinking about having to jump…you hope there’s water at the bottom, some kind of river that eventually would take you to a better life, but you have no idea…more often than not, it feels like there’s nothingness…you would cease existing, like your very life itself would be snuffed out.

But life WITH her is so emotionally suffocating. It feels like you beat your head against the wall trying to talk about emotionally vulnerable things. It’s like you bring your heart on a platter and she shoves the steak knife through it every time. At some point you feel like – is this even worth it? But then you think about silencing yourself and that feels just as suffocating.

So you’re IN A PLACE that is suffocating. The alternative for “peace” is suffocating. And leaving her feels like you can’t exist without her. What do you even do?

You feel depressingly alone and empty.

It just feels like you’re trying to get better. Like you’re trying to communicate. You’re trying to care. You’re trying in so many ways, and it feels like she’s content to put you down, yell at you, invalidate you, and stomp on your emotions like they mean nothing. You don’t get it. It doesn’t feel like it was this way. You remember the days when you guys could talk through these things and work through them together. Where you’d laugh and play and enjoy life and each other. It just feels like there’s this blanket of darkness that’s been tossed over your relationship, but you’re fighting to remember the light…but every day that passes it just feels like it gets darker and darker and harder and harder to remember.

You don’t know what to do because…what is there to do? Try harder? Hasn’t worked. Shut up? Doesn’t work. Leave her? Won’t work. Feels like you can go in loops and loops with the options but it makes you want to pull your hair out in the end.

I’m sorry man. Sounds terrible. One of the things that I think you’re already instinctively doing is choosing to bring your emotions to a place that isn’t her – and honestly, I think that’s a fantastic start. Because the needs you have of being heard and processing your feelings are real. But if the person that you have to talk to about them is exhausted, what do you do? If you take it to them and get invalidated, it’s terribly painful for you both. But if you bring it to someone else, it allows you the opportunity to vent in the way you need to vent, receive encouragement in the ways you need, and allow someone who may be exhausted to recover. Perhaps you’re already finding the 4th avenue that may lead to some healing space for you both.

Either way, practicing vulnerability and sharing your emotions with others is a fantastic practice, and I’m proud of you for starting that here. Way to go.

-Nate

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bro we same but that just life nothing always stays but it can get better

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