I've realized I'm abusive and don't know how to cope

My loved ones made a group chat to talk about all of the issues and pain ive caused them, as a way to convince each other and my partner that he should leave me. and all of the things they said were true. but its hard to process and accept. i dont know what to do or how to be better but i know i have to for him. he doesnt want to leave me after hearing of all the boundaries ive broken and all ive said behind his back even though he should. i want to do better but it hurts that everyone i care about is leaving me even when i deserve to be left for what ive done. i shouldnt be throwing myself a pitty party but i am. i want to feel bad and feel like im better than what ive admitted to even when i know its true. i dont feel like im allowed to be bad and i cant go to anyone ive grown to trust. ive abused their trust and ive not been there for them when they needed me.


Hi Greenhearted, welcome to Heartsupport
I have to say you are incredibly hard on yourself arent you? I wish that was not the case. I know that I do not know the mistakes you have make, the boundaries you feel you have broken or the things you have said behind peoples backs but what I do know is that a lot if not most people if they are honest have done the same things at least once in their lives in varying degrees whether they choose to admit if or not so I guess what I am saying is would it be ok to ask you to give yourself some grace here especially as it seems you are catching it from others, at least give yourself a break. You are human.
The second things I would like to ask is of all the things that you talk about, do you feel you have you learned anything from it? There is a saying that goes, “Failure is success if we learn from it” so this can all be turned around if we know where we went wrong the first time and tried not to repeat the pattern and that goes for everyone.
See what changes can be made all around, its never too late.
Much Love lisa xx

Just by realizing that you’ve been abusive is a major step. Do you think counseling would help? Trust can be rebuilt, but it takes time. In the meantime, just let those who are unhappy with you know that you understand. I don’t know what it will take for you to repair damaged friendships, but it sounds like you’re at the point now where you will cause no further damage.

Just saying “I’m going to change” will not fully accomplish the change that you desire. It requires introspection and quite possibly counseling. You need to understand yourself, and the reason you have disappointed yourself and others. I suspect that something happened to you in the past or you simply did not get the guidance that you needed.

Ask your partner how you can be supportive and make up for past hurt feelings. You might be surprised at how quickly others will sense your change. The change has to be consistently demonstrated rather than talked about.

Regarding how to cope, I think it will help to know that you are making progress towards becoming the kind of person you want to be.

And I really do think you need someone who can help you figure out why you’ve acted in ways that damaged friendships.

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Hey Greenhearted,

Thank you so much for opening about this with this community here. It seriously takes a lot of strength to admit and face the wrong things we’ve done, and the hurt we may have caused to people around us. Not everyone is willing to hold themselves accountable for their mistakes, yet there is so much strength in facing what makes us uncomfortable. There is a lot of potential for growth, even if it manifests through growing pains. It’s part of the discomfort we are all meant to face at times, as ultimately we are only human beings. Stating that you want to do better, to work on yourself, is very powerful.

As for now, it sounds like all of this happened recently. It makes sense to feel hurt yourself, because it does. There’s no way to walk around it: it sucks and it hurts. And regardless of your mistakes, you are allowed to say it - even though it is more or less appropriate depending who you say it to. You’ve made the right decision by coming here, in this neutral space, where you will be met with care and be supported. Here we’re all about second chances, and about acknowledging that failures or mistakes are part of the journey.

Throwing a pity party is okay as you process this painful awareness - it is a grief in itself as there’s no way to avoid it. Although it will also be important to not let shame or guilt become the motor of your future actions, because it would be the best way to keep repeating the same errors. When we define ourselves based on a sense of worthlessness, we are more likely to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy through our future actions and decisions. So yes, it sounds like things were not functioning the way it was. And now is a significant time to start looking at it, slow down, reflect on what needs to be done differently, and how. This is a time, maybe, to also get to know yourself better. If I may ask, do you know why you’ve been breaking those boundaries with your partner? What does respecting those boundaries represent to you/how does it make you feel? This is only a personal perspective, but I deeply believe that hurt people hurt people. And if you were behaving in a way that was hurting people you actually care about, then it could be possible that you’ve been walking through life with needs that are still unmet. Needs for safety, for love, for care, for control… whatever it is, it may be essential from now on to move towards reconnecting with yourself and the reasons why you’ve been acting in ways that don’t reflect your heart or the person you want to be. There is a door that has been opened there for you to, somehow, invite you to meet yourself at a deeper level, one that maybe you’ve been afraid to approach before.

through all of this, know that you are not alone, and you are not worthless or less of a person because of what happens. Accountability and facing our own cracks are powerful tools that can serve us for the best - and for the sake of the people we love too. I believe you can grow out of this and become more and more the person you actually aspire to be. It’s a bumpy road, a painful one on which we fall. But you have the resources within to rise stronger and do what is right for the people you love. You are worthy. You matter. You are allowed to feel, even when it’s met with needed accountability. There are dualities at play there, but they are not contradictory. You are a human being like all of us here, and like any other human you are meant to learn from these hardships. I believe in you.

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