If your actions are only motivated by what others do or say, then it’s quite normal if you don’t care anymore, because it’s a really harmful and negative circle. I hear your pain, your dissapointment and your resignation. It’s not fair that your family doesn’t show you the support you need and is judgmental, while you’re battling bravely through these difficult circumstances.
Unfortunately, mental health issues and grief are often misunderstood and, even worse, it scares some people, including our beloved ones sometimes. I’m sorry they did this. You didn’t asked for depression or to live this dark season of your life. I’m also sincerely sorry for your loss. I personally experienced this situation when people go away from you because you are grieving and it makes them uncomfortable.
In your current situation, it sounds that you are going through an other grief, related to what you expected from your family. It doesn’t mean this situation will always be like this. Maybe they’ll change their mind over time, they’ll grow up and understand more what you are going through but it’s hard to tell right now. So for the moment, you only need to focus on the present and what you can actually do from now.
Even if your expectations towards them are motivated by love, you should take actions for yourself first. Right now, your well being is a priority. And you have the power to work on that. Not tomorrow, but right now.
The example of cleaning is good because it’s actually part of what you can do for yourself on a daily basis. So, why would you even clean if no one even come to your home anymore? Well, because that’s where YOU live. And being alone doesn’t diminish your own presence there and your own needs. You matter! And living in a good environment is part of what can help you to feel better everyday. “A clean environment helps to clean your mind”. Somehow that’s true. It doesn’t solve everything, obviously, but it helps. And self-care is actually made of a bunch of things you can try, depending on your actual ressources, and which makes sense to you. And you don’t need anyone else to do that. On the opposite, living in a messy environment can really amplify depressing thoughts. Because it reinforces the idea that you’re worthless or that you don’t deserve better. Which is not true at all.
It can be hard to clean or declutter at first, especially if you have a lot to do. So you don’t need to do everything at once. You can do it step by step, room by room for example. Also you can put some music on while you do that. You can set a timer to help you start this. You can take a photo before and then after to see the efforts you spent in it and acknowledge this victory.
So if one thing is absolutely sure: you don’t need others presence or approval to take care of yourself. And in fact, if you wait for this everytime, you’ll never take care of yourself and you’ll start to think really harmful things about yourself. But you don’t need this. You deserve much better! This is an opportunity for you to try to do things differently and learn progressively to see yourself as you truly are. Someone who is unique and belong to this world, who may be suffering for the moment but who also needs love, starting from yourself.
This community is here to support you through this personal journey. Because you are loved, you are not alone in this and we care about you. Hold fast.