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I've stopped caring

I can’t bring myself to keep up appearances anymore.

For the past few years, fewer and fewer people have shown interest in coming over to my home. After the death of a loved one in 2014, it became clear that she was the source of a lot of my happiness, and was the reason people were coming over. I recently found out that my family has been actively warning people against coming to my home, because of my depression.

This has made everything worse. Since finding out, I’ve completely given up trying to interact with anyone, and have stopped cleaning in an effort to pretend that someone might actually come over someday.

Why should I try to keep a house tidy that no-one ever visits? I’m always alone.

The process of cleaning now goes like this:

1: Wow, this place is getting kind of messy, maybe I should do something about that

2: Do I care? Its not like anyone sees this anymore

3:Cry about it

4: Pile mess on top of already existing mess

5: Go to sleep because its the only thing that makes me happy anymore.

I don’t feel like I can exist like this any more. I need human contact to survive, and now that I know the people closest to me are actively sabotaging my attempts, I just don’t want to exist anymore.

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Fight through the current bullshit and persevere. My existence is very similar to yours. I struggle to clean, bathe, look for a job, ect. People just like to be around certain people. Unfortunately, mental heath is still misunderstood and some of us are outcasts. It’s time to search for new thing(s) to keep you going.

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Hi @Geko,

If your actions are only motivated by what others do or say, then it’s quite normal if you don’t care anymore, because it’s a really harmful and negative circle. I hear your pain, your dissapointment and your resignation. It’s not fair that your family doesn’t show you the support you need and is judgmental, while you’re battling bravely through these difficult circumstances.

Unfortunately, mental health issues and grief are often misunderstood and, even worse, it scares some people, including our beloved ones sometimes. I’m sorry they did this. You didn’t asked for depression or to live this dark season of your life. I’m also sincerely sorry for your loss. I personally experienced this situation when people go away from you because you are grieving and it makes them uncomfortable.

In your current situation, it sounds that you are going through an other grief, related to what you expected from your family. It doesn’t mean this situation will always be like this. Maybe they’ll change their mind over time, they’ll grow up and understand more what you are going through but it’s hard to tell right now. So for the moment, you only need to focus on the present and what you can actually do from now.

Even if your expectations towards them are motivated by love, you should take actions for yourself first. Right now, your well being is a priority. And you have the power to work on that. Not tomorrow, but right now.

The example of cleaning is good because it’s actually part of what you can do for yourself on a daily basis. So, why would you even clean if no one even come to your home anymore? Well, because that’s where YOU live. And being alone doesn’t diminish your own presence there and your own needs. You matter! And living in a good environment is part of what can help you to feel better everyday. “A clean environment helps to clean your mind”. Somehow that’s true. It doesn’t solve everything, obviously, but it helps. And self-care is actually made of a bunch of things you can try, depending on your actual ressources, and which makes sense to you. And you don’t need anyone else to do that. On the opposite, living in a messy environment can really amplify depressing thoughts. Because it reinforces the idea that you’re worthless or that you don’t deserve better. Which is not true at all.

It can be hard to clean or declutter at first, especially if you have a lot to do. So you don’t need to do everything at once. You can do it step by step, room by room for example. Also you can put some music on while you do that. You can set a timer to help you start this. You can take a photo before and then after to see the efforts you spent in it and acknowledge this victory.

So if one thing is absolutely sure: you don’t need others presence or approval to take care of yourself. And in fact, if you wait for this everytime, you’ll never take care of yourself and you’ll start to think really harmful things about yourself. But you don’t need this. You deserve much better! This is an opportunity for you to try to do things differently and learn progressively to see yourself as you truly are. Someone who is unique and belong to this world, who may be suffering for the moment but who also needs love, starting from yourself.

This community is here to support you through this personal journey. Because you are loved, you are not alone in this and we care about you. Hold fast. :heart:

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Thank you for replying again Brett. You and me do seem to be in similar circumstances. Sometimes I do feel like a complete outcast because of depression, so it helps to hear that others have similar situations they find themselves in. I hope the holidays are treating you nicely. Your post helped a lot.

MicrosmosK -

That was quite the read - I appreciate you for taking the time to write it out. I do have a bit of a hard time with self image and being alone. Part of it is because I grew up in a household where hosting was very much a thing. I kind of grew into the idea that nearly every weekend was to have time with people, and share good food / kind thoughts. When all of that stopped very suddenly, things started to feel very empty.

I have a hard time with the idea of cleaning a house that will be empty. I know I have to do it for myself to remain healthy, but the depression aspect of all this has made cleaning one of the most difficult things I can do. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep dishes clean and in the cupboard.

I don’t live for others, but I do tend to put more effort into things when I know they will have a direct result on other people. Thanks for your kind words. I’ll keep trying, but I know it will be a very difficult road.

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Heya @Geko Thanks so much for reaching out!

I am SO sorry to hear about this!

Don’t give up and I have a feeling that Breakthrough will be coming soon!

Do know that you are NOT alone and all of us are here for you if you need it!

Thank You and Keep Fighting

Darian Halliday/DarianDaOtter
Twitch HeartSupport Supporter
@DarianHalliday

From: sarahtheproud

hey friend. things seem hard right now. but trust me when i day that you’ll get past it. please please please take care of yourself. you could maybe try to make the effort to interact with people if that’s what you want. i want to see you get past this. you matter. you’re loved. hold fast :sparkling_heart:

I used to be like this. My friends stopped seeing me cause I broke up with one person they ALL liked. My depression hit me and I stopped cleaning, caring. I slept for hours which led to days.
What made me change was being forced out of my home.
But you can reconnect with people, tell people your family to stop telling people to not visit you, be open and honest.
The mess of the place you live is like the one in your mind, clean that and you can prove to the side of yourself that doesn’t care about your life that you CAN change, you NEED to change.
You can make friends, find places that involve your interest. Refind the happiness that you lost. I know you can, I know you can relight your flame and your life. I believe in you friend. Hold fast.

From: mrwapiti

Thank you for reaching out, cleanning mess when your depressed is just very hard and near impossible, I try to do one thing at a time and not focus on all the mess all the time, you’re worth having a better life and deserve better friends.

From: noname32222

Hey Friend, We love you. You can feel better and become a happier person. We’re here for you! Hold Fast!

From: collarfullofpanic

Hey Friend, We love you. You can feel better and become a happier person. We’re here for you! Hold Fast!

From: creeve12

hey friend stay strong I know sometimes it can be hard to find to push through the challenges you can do it alway know you not alone

Hey @Geko we covered your topic on HeartSupports Twitch stream today! Here’s the live video response.

Hold Fast!

2 Likes

I start my day with being active. Wake up early make your bed sit down and think of how you can better yourself as a human being see how many things you can get accomplished write down your thoughts see what you want to change mark off what you’ve done and make yourself. You have to work with yourself, exercise read, do something good for you eat right there’s so many things that cause depression and you may not know it. For me I had gained 60 lbs and started getting severe acne and I just looked at myself with disgust I get up at 3 and work it’s hard to live in clutter that causes it too let me know if you wanna talk 1 on 1 it may help to talk to other people my insta @ is masonzacharias

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