I’ve been debating over whether I should post on here again or not as I can’t help but feel like someone out there is getting annoyed by my stupidity again. But lately I’ve been isolating myself more and more and I can’t find a healthy way to just let emotions show I guess.
Christmas is getting closer and looking around seeing people giving each other presents, emailing and being surrounded by friends kinda hurts. I’m jealous I admit that. But seeing all these ridiculously happy people while being called names moments after really hurts. I’ve lost faith in myself. Everyone has their place I don’t. I become more and more invisible I feel selfish talking to people as I know these people only hang with me out of pity or formality at least it feels like it. Tomorrow they’ll fd other about me again and if I talk to them I feel selfish as they could spend their time with actual friends and people they care for while I’m just invisible for the majority of people and those who see me either hate me or pity me. Sometimes I wish I was someone else. Someone with friends that cared and gets invited to things. Someone who can talk to people without being crazy or awkward. Isn’t it strange? How much we sometimes wish for things we know we’ll never have. Honestly I don’t even expect anyone to read this on here. It’s like my usually self talk. Talking to myself pretending someone listens. Someone cares got a habit I can’t get rid of. Majority of the time I don’t even understand myself then it’s ridiculous to pretend someone would but if there’s no-one who listens you have to listen to yourself, right? Something has to fill the deadly silence after all.
I feel so selfish I’m jealous of other people so much. Seeing people having talents, some draw, some sing, some dance others do sports or write or just have something they love to do in general while I’m here writing down my mind in a simplified version and exposing a piece of my mind while pathetically pitying myself. I feel aweful doing that I’m a horrible person aren’t I? But I don’t know what to do. Heck I don’t even know anything I can’t even speak English properly. Who knows how many spelling and grammar mistakes I made in these it’s pathetic. I am pathetic.
Sometimes I just wanna fall back into old habits.
Well I guess that’s all there is to write. Huh.
With every word it’s kinda like im getting more empty letting emotions out but I know other ways I cope and what I’m capable of doing when things simply are too much.
It’s not very pleasant for others and I’ll end up hating myself more it’s a never ending circle so hey, I can at least say thank you for this site to exist I guess that’s a somehow positive thing to end this. You know to get away from my pathetic self.
@Pingu, you are talking to yourself, another version of yourself. I’ve felt like you do now. My dad is in an affair and my family is falling apart. I get that jealousy of everyone around you so happy and sociable and you feel alone and hateful.
No one is perfect. Yes, everyone says that, but it is true. People don’t realize how true Its okay to fall down, to lose faith. I’ve lost faith myself these days, but seeing your post here reminds me that I’m not alone. I know you feel that way, but you are never really alone, not as long as I and many others breathe.
Please don’t give in. Don’t back down, because you are stronger than you know. Writing on here, trying, that’s not pathetic. You’ll never be pathetic in my eyes or others on here, I only see a fighter.
@Pingu, you are not pathetic and you are not alone. Some people are like “people person” and some people are not and I believe we all have been there in some point but the thing is that the people you are seeing all happy and loved, it’s not actually true. Some people are better at lying themselves than the others. If you are very lucky, you may have 1 or 2 real friends and if you are very very lucky maybe a real girlfriend/boyfriend that loves you. But except this, there are only acquaintances and that is totally cool because humankind is a social animal. Maybe they don’t pity you but they play the same game with you and you see this faux play as pity but it’s not. Maybe you don’t have a real friend and so what? That doesn’t make you a lesser person and definitely, it doesn’t make you pathetic. Whoever you are, you are precious but the preciosity can only be seen by who knows it, that’s why we’re always looking for people that understand us. Maybe you haven’t found them yet, but that is totally cool. They are out there somewhere. Don’t give up hope, and do not ever think you are pathetic. You are imperfect and that is perfection. You are precious whatever happens.
Jealousy, envy, loneliness, misery…a lot of points you hit on I can relate to. In all honesty, I end up fighting myself a lot of the time. My confidence is busted. I have to remind myself that my voice counts and most of the time I shouldn’t second guess myself.
Christmas, I’m spending alone like I did Thanksgiving. I’ve given up mostly on my family. I’m to the point that I believe that people are cordial with me out of principle. This doesn’t change the fact that I’m cordial to them. Yet I’m tired of the whole “let’s pretend everything is fine fiasco.” So I am not bothering to participate in anymore events unless I am specifically invited or have a personal interest in the event.
I will continue to support those I actually care about even if they don’t care about me. For instance, my sister, she is going through some things and I’ve let her know that I will help her & be there for her whether she wants it or doesn’t.
Do I believe that she actually cares whether I am there for her. No I don’t. (Whether she does or doesn’t, I can’t truthfully say. I expect everyone I give any amount of trust towards to stab me in my back and laugh in my face or at least lie.)
I am hoping to meet people that actually care about me one day & recognize that they do. I hope this for you as well.
Hey there, I was so touched by your post I created an account. Your writing hit me a lot not out of pity but empathy. To be honest, you said a lot things that I feel. Thanks for your writing. If I knew how to make my depression go away I would give you my secrets. I don’t want to assume your depressed but I guess I feel like I am. You have a gift of writing such raw emotions, I wish I was brave like you. Anyway, I never knew someone could feel like I do because I thought I was crazy.