Today was okay day, I got do some over time at work and got to go skateboarding after. Still not getting my heartache, had to do my other journal were I let my demon and let them spit there vemon. Ever time I skateboard, I still think of her, I miss skateboarding with her and it does bummed me out. I’m been trying to forgive her, but I’m still hurt by her and angery. Radical acceptance is a bitch to learn. But sometimes I feel the self of calm, when I do forgive her. My logic part does say you are enough and you should not depend on anyone. Even though, she did say nice thing to make me believe in myself. I still hear when I skate saying “ you got this, if you don’t, you get it next time”. She kinda like my cheerleader sometime. She did inspire me to skate more, saying that you not too old to skate.
I don’t know if I can get over her, but I know forgiving her will heal my pain better than resentment. I don’t if she care anymore, but I still love her anyway. Even if we are not together.
You are growing in ways that are truly impressive, and it sounds that you manage to find some peace and clarity in the midst of emotions that are still raw, and tend to be overwhelming at times. It is inspiring to see how much patience you’ve been learning to give to yourself, to her, to the experience itself of processing heartbreak. You manage to use coping mechanisms that help you based on what you need at the moment, which is such a huge strength.
It is truly hard to face radical acceptance of things we cannot change, and to learn that feeling whole in our life comes from within, not from others. At times we still persist in trying to feel worthy through the eyes of others, to feel alive through means that are part of our environment. This is a growing pain, and you learning to navigate through it. Keep it up, friend. There will be a time when your heart and your mind, what you feel and what you know as being true rationally, will feel more aligned. In the meantime, you deserve all the patience and grace of the world.
It’s not easy to forgive people who have hurt you. But you’re so right that it does help with healing when we learn to let go. Every now and again you can think about it all over again, but it gets easier with time when those thoughts and memories come back.
