Hello friends! You may know me from the twitch channel, but call me liquid or Zach, whichever you prefer. Please be advised there is talk about self harm in here, so this is your trigger warning.
A few years ago (I think, it’s hard to remember) I started my first year of university in a different city from my own. I will admit, it was fun, getting away from my parents, and trying things out, that level of education, it was great, for the first few months.
I wanted to make some extra money on the side when I got there and ended up picking up a job working as a parking attendant at the local hockey/basketball team stadium. As it turns out I needed that job.
I had 4 courses, which is pretty standard, and the classes weren’t difficult. The difficulty came when I developed a spending problem with twitch and gifting subs (which has since been curbed). Adding to that difficulty was that my meal plan that I took from the university couldn’t cover me even eating 1-2 meals per day, and the loans I took couldn’t pay for residence and tuition and meal plan all together.
So I ended up taking on an overnight job converting ice surface into basketball flooring and vice versa at the stadium, and took on another job setting up for events at the local casino stage.
Before I started that up I also become the floor representative for my residence hall, and joined the school pep rally band because I wanted to play trumpet still.
from about November of that year until about may of the following year I pushed myself to the limit, save for a few weeks in January where I had to wait for a fee deferral form to go through so I could pay my first semester balance to the university so I could apply for second semester courses, and fell about a month behind.
When the school year ended I wanted to take a break and reflect on my choices, and why I was still penniless at the end of the year despite working 3 part time jobs, which is where I kicked the spending problem. My parents said otherwise, they pushed me to go back, even though I said I wanted to take a break. I didn’t really talk to them about my experience in university, I didn’t feel we had that kind of relationship, and didn’t want to disappoint them.
So coming back home to my home city, I took up my old job and took up another 2 jobs to make up the 3k balance I still owed the university so that I could re apply for classes. I barely made it in with 50 dollars to my name, and went back into a basement apartment that was too short for me.
The loans I took for second year barely covered my tuition this time, and I went back to doing what I did last year, working 3 jobs, and I kept my time playing the trumpet because that was a bright spot in my life.
However I looked at the school year with harder courses, and the same workload from jobs, and broke. I couldn’t take it, and secluded myself to my room, trying to catch up on sleep, and blaming myself for choosing this. I dropped all my courses after attending them for a month, and then lived off what my parents sent me monthly for almost a year. I then quit most of my jobs except for the casino one because I was sick of them, they sucked, and got a job at a bingo place working the food counter. Eventually though from that I couldn’t take the job anymore and left, it was almost a year until I found another job. That was a year of putting out resume’s, and it destroyed my confidence.
I finally do get a job and it’s as a garbage pitcher, and if I could take anything away from the 3 days I worked that job, is be kind to your garbage pitchers, and follow the by laws, it’s a hard, and dangerous job. I was then about to start my Drivers License stuff when covid hit, and I had no way to pay for my rent.
At that point I just kinda quit, I’d had enough, I’ve worked 13 jobs in my life and I’m only 22 years old, and none of them could help me with finding any work, it made all of my experience feel worthless. I looked at my dad and saw how his body was failing and took a hard look at my own body, which is having trouble with nerve damage, multiple concussions, and 5 years of play American football, I started to wonder just how much my body could take, and it made me scared. When will my concussions catch up to me? Will I even be able to work? I was worried about my future, about what my life would be like.
Looking at the work I had ahead, since I was always told that “this is life” and the jobs I had gotten were what I expected to be the norm, and essentially gave up on my future, I stopped being able to see further than a month ahead like I used to. I started noticing that my memory was going. I noticed I was losing balance very easily. I was eating one meal a day for a year at that point.
I finally got what seemed to be a good opportunity with the YMCA to train me and get me work, which put me at work with Domino’s, and I hated it so very much. After only a month I broke down again, I’d had enough. I had developed a habit of hitting myself as a form of self harm, after all bruises don’t leave scars, and I felt I had deserved it. That day was the 4th time I’ve put a knife to my throat, but this was the first time I did it with intent, I knew where my arteries were, no one was home, no one would have been able to stop me.
I got lucky though, a week before hand a friend of mine told me I should seriously think about therapy, and that the hospitals here could help with people in crisis. After a minute of thinking about it with the knife at my throat, I thought about what I haven’t tried, after all, suicide isn’t something you can just say no to after doing it, it’s a one way trip, I decided to put the knife down, and call my roommate to take me to the hospital.
It’s only been a few months since then, but everytime I try to do work, I get scared that I’m not going to be able to do the job, I deal with serious brain farts and fog, and it’s insanely frustrating to remember that you were in a situation that needed you to recall what an apple was, but then not remembering what the apple is, only that you knew the answer, and remember answering it.
All in all, I’m confused, and worried about my future, the medication that I have helps, but doesn’t solve the problems that I have, which is crippling self confidence, probable severe anxiety, and some other things that I’m probably not aware of yet.
Thank you for taking the time to read through all of this ramble vent thing, I hope you have a good day!