Just... a mess

Honestly, im just tired. I know im getting better, but i feel as if nothing is ever enough, and i will forever be trapped in this loop of feeling like shit. I´ve never talked about how i really feel; no to any friend, no to my family, no to mi ex, damn, not even with my therapist, im just a bottle of compressed emotions.
Nothing is enough.
I may not be suicidal anymore, but good do i wish i could just dissapear; i may not harm myself anymore, but i still scratch and pinch myself cause i cant handle it; i may have improved so much on being more comfortable with my image, but im still disgusting and fat; all to be topped with me being so much of a fucking coward i cant even do shit, because ive tried to stop eating, ive tried to vomit, ive tried to cut myself deeper, but i just cant, because im tha much of a dissapointment.
Maybe im better off death. But i love my family, so i stay, and i know is just my mind on the high of emotions talking shit, but is so hard to ignore.
I wish i had the guts to talk about this. Thats why i came here, because ive never said a word about all of this, i cant, i cant be a burden and make people worry, im just not worth it; if they knew me, really knew me, they would drop me. And yet i still yearn for that comfort.
Im also so stupid as you can read, who the fuck would listen to me?? and i know they would, i know that, its just that my mind is so much of a fucking constant battle i dont know what to believe anymore.
Im getting better, so why??
I know im not fat, but most of the days i feel like that (my parent comments def dont help); i know people love me, but god am i unlovable; i even know im quite smart!, but cant shake the feeling of being so fucking stupid im so ashamed of myself…
I really just wish i could turn everything off
I whish i could feel peace

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What advice would you give someone else who is dealing with the same issues you are? You feel as though you’re getting better, but you are still suffering. When you say nothing is ever enough, what do you feel would be enough?

There is something you need to get past. Like jumping into cold water, it won’t be comfortable at first, but you get used to it after a while. What I am talking about is communication with your therapist. A priority would be to get rid of the inaccurate and negative self image.

You don’t want people to worry, and you don’t want to be a burden. What if those around you sense your suffering, and worry about you because of it, and wish you could share your feelings with them, and accept their comfort? Maybe I’m totally wrong. Maybe they couldn’t deal with your honesty. Perhaps you can find out one way or the other by sharing just a little bit at a time.

One thing is certain, you can share your feelings as much as you want here. Whether you are talking to us here, or someone physically present, you are not a burden. Isn’t that what you would tell that other person who is dealing with the same issues you are?

Rather than feel burdened, those who love you are more likely to feel honored by your trust in them.

You certainly do have conflicting ideas about yourself. You are a skillful communicator, and you recognize that you are smart. At the same time, you feel that you’re stupid. Do you have any idea where this negative self concept came from?

There’s this thing called the “imposter syndrome.” It happens to people who, whatever they’ve done with their lives, feel they aren’t worthy of their status. Can you relate to that feeling? I graduated with honors, and had this nagging feeling that I didn’t deserve it. I have managed to diminish the feeling, but every now and then I ask myself, “how in the hell did my sorry ass get here?” It’s amazing that such a feeling still shows up occasionally, even with supportive people around me. I can get past it by remembering the things that I did to get where I am.

What does the smart part of yourself have to say about all the negative things you believe about yourself?

Author Byron Katie has come up with Four Questions

  • Question 1: Is it true?
  • Question 2: Can you absolutely know it’s true?
  • Question 3: How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought? Q.
  • Question 4: Who would you be without the thought?
  • Turn the thought around:

If you like to read, perhaps you should check out some of her writing.

By the way, welcome to Heart Support! Please come back and let us know how you’re doing.

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Hi black,
Welcome to Heart Support and thank you a lot for reaching out to us.
it is a lot from what i read, so be proud of yourself.
if you don’t talk completely honest about your toughts, your therapist can’t help you with it. you should
start with that. open up about your struggles. this might take out a lot of energy, but afterwards you feel
the relief. people who love you, would also love to help you. it is hard to accept, it is hard so see but
it is like that.
people who love you, will never drop you, they will never let you down. they will help you overcome, they
will love to see you proceed, moving on, moving forward. take one step at a time and take care.
you are loved my friend, you matter and you are worth of all good in this world. feel hugged and
Greetings

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From: Mamadien

Black, welcome to the HS community. I’m glad you are here. It seems to be a very big thing for you to share what you are truly feeling. I’m glad you trusted us here with that, it means a lot. First I want to tell you that you are not a burden and you are worth it. Please talk to your therapist about all of the things you told us. They can’t help with what you won’t talk about. You have come a long way in your healing by what you are telling us. That is a huge deal and you have so much to keep building on. Please know that you deserve to be healthy and you deserve to take care of you. Please let us know how you are doing. We’re glad you’re here and part of this community now. You are loved my friend.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, welcome to Heart Support, I am so glad you decided to post here. Thank you for taking the step to share how you are feeling, I understand how hard it is to do that and Im really proud of you for doing so. You certainly do sound like you have come a long way and like you still have a way to go but you have not given up working on that however there is only so much you can do without asking for help isnt there, that is why we have qualified people out there to help us and virtually all of us here have had to call on them either currently or in the past. I get from your post that you have a therapist is that correct?? however you dont share much with them? Therapists can only help when you open up and tell them how you are feeling and there is very little you can tell them that have not heard before however if you are uncomfortable with saying it all, would you feel ok with showing this post to them?? it would give them such a valuable insight into your feelings and how to help you. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. Much Love Lisa. x

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hello Friend, welcome to Heart Support and thank you for opening up here and trusting us. I know it must have been hard to write your post and I want you to know that it was a great step towards healing. When I was a teenager, I saw a therapist and I didn’t tell him the truth and made him think I was ok. I didn’t get better, because he didn’t know what was going on. Now, I think it’s very important to be honest and open with my therapist because I won’t learn the coping skills I actually need in order to get better. You want to get better so you have to step out of your comfort zone, if that makes sense. I know it’s very hard to open up, trust me, but you did it here and that’s awesome. You are NOT stupid, your post was fine. Please come back as often as you need for support! ~Mystrose

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