Just a ramble (cw death cancer talk of suicide)

[Derpplup]

THIS IS A MASSIVE RAMBLE FROM MY BRAIN TO THE KEYBOARD IVE HAD ALOT OF STUFF BOUNCING AROUND IN MY HEAD FOR A WHILE IF YOU WANNA READ IT GO AHEAD JUST KNOW THAT IT GOES FROM TOPIC TO TOPIC AND OFTEN MAKES NO SENSE

I have never really had much motivation even when I was little everything either seemed too scary or extremely dull I use to find alot pleasure in art and making things but that went away years ago and not I very rarely creat things or find happynes in it I don’t have much drive to do more then just exist Im a paradox at times where I’ll simultaneously not give a shit about something like absolutely not care but then know I should care and that I care just enough to know it’s importance but no drive to change it I talked with a ex a few months back about how I had given up back in highschool now I wanted nothing more then that nightmare to end graduating or not but it’s like I never cared in the first place even back in pre k I don’t know if depression can form at such a young age or not but it feels like I’ve had it for my entire life I often think about hunter s Thompson and how he took his own life not out of darkness but simply cuz he had ate and drank his fill of what the world had to offer and I find that genuinely kinda heart warming and wish we could all do that without effecting our loved ones just say enough is enough I’ve had my fill I’d like to leave now don’t feel bad be happy that I’m going at a perfect time not being there to see the bad but I know that’s not how things work and I know that’s not how I feel cuz I have attempted to commit suicide multiple times in my life and it has always sucked cuz I knew I’d be hurting loved ones weather I’m alive from it or dead only difference with one out come is I’m not around to see it I do apologize if you have made it this far I know it’s a rambling shit show of a post I’m just kinda in a funk and had some stuff on my mind with a funeral coming up this Saturday I just was thinking how we as a modern world treat death as this tragic thing when it should just be accepted and celebrated maybe not the act of death or killing but the person who passed my dad dident get to go out able bodied and peacefully he went out weak broken and unable to be hugged and now this Saturday I have to go to a memorial for a friend who passed do to covid related illnesses and who had Parkinson I often wonder if it truly is a good thing that we live so long now when with every decade we live it’s just more and more likely to mean we develop a chronic illness that would mean a slow and painful death and a tough time for our loved ones no longer I just wish my dad and my friend had the option to go pass on their terms and in a painless way I loved them deeply and I love most living things deeply and I just want us all (gonna use a phrase I’ve come to love alot recently) to be able to enjoy the food and drink both literally and metaphorically it’s really the only thing that links all living things together is we all need some sorta nutrition to exist and with that I’ll finish this rambling mess of a journal entry with I love you all even tho I don’t know any of you I love you and stay safe out there in this weird world we are living in rn and tell the ones you love you love them and hug them if you can cuz you might only have that chance -cristy

[Wings]

I think more children are depressed than anyone realizes. I think both my dad and I were born with the genetic predisposition towards depression. I have very few memories of him when he was not depressed. I was depressed enough to attempt suicide at the age of 10.

I did not emerge from a relatively constant depressive state until I was in my 40s. I’m okay now, and very glad to be alive. As long as you are alive, there’s a chance that you will end up being glad that you are.

Having done hospice work, I have witnessed what you are talking about regarding how many people consider death to be a terrible disaster. Over time however, after the pain of grief diminishes, acceptance follows. After that, it becomes easier to think about and appreciate good memories of the time spent with that person.

It is very difficult to watch a person deteriorate slowly and have a prolonged death process. It’s worth considering that the helplessness and neediness serves as a final gift, calling forth the best in those who are providing care.

I think I would prefer to pass quickly, perhaps only to have enough time to say goodbye, but I guess I’ll have to just wait and see what happens.

Yes, it would be wonderful if everyone could be fed, food for the physical body and nurturing for the heart. It’s wonderful that you care so much, and I have no doubt that you are nurturing hearts.

Thank you for sharing your touching thoughts.