Seeing others with a good father figure has made me depressed. I don’t know why, but I get this hole in my chest sometimes where I almost cry when I see a dad fuffilling the job of being a good jolly dad. Why did mine have to be so fucked up and ruin my idea of men. Why do men have to be so fucked up and ruin the idea of dads. Why did I have to have a shitty father figure. Why can’t I have one of those dad’s that make those stupid dad jokes that are also hella funny. People say I’m the type to make dad jokes lol. I just wish I could’ve had a proper dad. One that actually cared, that had emotions and empathy, that was playful and talkative, one that wasn’t absolutely fucked up in the head and every time u heard their name u wanted them to die. One that wasn’t rotting in a prison cell. One that wasn’t waiting till you were 18 to talk to you. One that gave a shit. Honestly. If I can’t have a father figure, then just give me 2 mom’s. Even then though, I’d probably still be ungrateful. I just wish things would have been different sometimes. Maybe I would’ve had close enough to what you would call a normal life. Maybe I wouldn’t distrust men as much as I do right now. Maybe I would be able to just feel a little bit more comfortable around them. But then again it wasn’t just my dad that ruined my perspective of men. It was men themselves. Doing horrible disgusting things and acting like it was okay and normal. Saying outright disgusting things… I really wish I wasn’t afraid of them. They make me fear becoming an adult. They make me want to date a girl. But I’m not even attracted to women (romantically). And that bothers me even more. I mean, maybe one day, that will go away, because I’ll meet the nicest girl and just see how it doesn’t matter, and fall in love with her. Sometimes I wish I could find a trans guy to date, at least I can relate with them, they have the same fears as I do, been through the same shit. But they’re so rare to come across. My sexuality is so fucked man, being demisexual fucking sucks ass because it makes it so much harder to understand like, sexual sexualities and I get afraid of them. I hate being attracted to ppl that aren’t even interested or hate me or are just not even gay. And being scared of people because apparently it’s normal to be attracted to someone and want to do stuff with them even though you’re in a relationship or just saw them walk past you on the street. It’s so fucking annoying. I just wish I could like a girl for once. But it’s not that easy for me since I cant just go around and ask random ppl out on a date. My fucking sexuality makes it to where Im not even fucking interested in anyone unless my queer mode just decides to turn on randomly and suddenly I like someone or I get to know someone and get stuck in a loop of liking them. It’s not that I hate being Demi, I just hate that I can’t just like, like someone that I think is cute.
My ribs are bout to give on me. Can feel the pain of just breathing now. And sometimes the area around my ribs go numb. But I’m not going to stop wearing binders, and I can’t wear tape bc allergies. So I guess my ribs are just going to break. Ive honestly thought about just cutting these things off myself at this point, but my door is always open now and my family is keeping a close eye on me. I just want to go on testosterone. I want to stop being seen as someone I’m not. I want to stop being treated like some weirdass person just bc I’m trans. Bc being trans means “no one is interested in you” for some reason. Honestly where tf did someone make that shit up. If you like someone youre going to fucking like them. Istg. Why be ashamed of liking someone. So fucking disgusting when ppl shame the person they’re dating just for their own fucking dignity. Why do you even need “dignity” to love someone. Why does gender matter? Why does looks matter? Why do all these things that shouldn’t matter matter? So fucking stupid. Istg. Idk where I’m going with this, I guess it’s just a rant. Anyways, I hope everyone is doing okay, I’m honestly going to find it funny if you actually read through all this. It’s literally just me bitching for lik 6 paragraphs. But thanks ig if you did. Since you… didn’t have to. Anyways. Dunno why I’m posting this, but, not like anyone’s gonna know about it but myself. Anyways bye bye hope you had a good day.
-X & Kio
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I was raised by a bipolar, schizophrenic mom also had borderline personality disorder. My dad was a chronically depressed alcoholic, who left when I was 10. A lot of bad stuff happened to me when I was growing up. I had a lot of problems after I grew up too.
I am who I am in large part due to the crap I had to put up with. You are who you are because the crap that you’ve had to put up with. All that crap sucks! Also, it has been instrumental in our development of sensitivity, empathy, wisdom and compassion.
I don’t have experience with being a trans, but I have invariably felt a deep affection for those I have met. People who stand out from the mainstream, are able to see through all the pretense, hypocrisy and shallowness that exists in our society.
Your rant is interesting. I hope writing it helped you feel better.
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