And it’s been especially hard.
My mom has been putting me through a lot recently. I’m living with my dad’s side grandma at the moment preparing for college.
Sometimes mom will call me and ask me to visit her and she’ll be really sweet and it’ll feel… Really fake. Usually she’s asking me for something like to visit her or to tell my dad to catch up on his payment to her. She does it a lot. I guess she likes money that much (which confuses me because she’s never had an official job and just makes money off of my dad and her new boyfriend who just “happens to be” rich.)
Other times she’ll call me and call me names and threaten to stop supporting me financially. She constantly hangs any leverage she has over my head, using it to keep me in line. She always forces me to apologize to her and her boyfriend for some disrespect she thinks I treated them with. She has never apologized sincerely to me, or respected my feelings, but she expects me to do it for her.
She won’t say it, but she’s mad I’m not living with her anymore. She really wanted me to stay with her and go to college in her province, but I didn’t want to have to deal with her anymore. She’s physically harmed me before (multiple times) and her attitude towards me has gotten worse since I turned 18 and separated from her. She likes to guilt trip me a lot. She’ll say things like “I didn’t sleep last night because of you”, “You’re breaking mommy’s heart,” and “being a mom is so hard.”
I’m so tired of her attitude towards me and I’m tired of her calling me just to hurt me. Her treatment of me over the years has caused me to have issues with self harm (which my parents were angry at me for because it “reflects back onto them”), substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts. I’m struggling with a nicotine addiction right now and I remember the last time we were together she and her mom were mocking me for wanting to go to my dad’s side, and then mocked me some more for stress-smoking. My mom then threatened to shove my vape down my throat. I’m really tired. I’m so close to escaping, but she’s making it so hard. I hate her so much and I love her so much.
I’m really sorry to hear this. I’m going through something similar with my own mom and I know how hard it is for a parent to do something like that to you.
Remember though that you are free, you’ve moved away from her and now you are your own person with your own mind and can make your own decisions. You could try talking to her about how you feel and offer to try to make things work with her, if she doesn’t want to or decides to be difficult… then that’s absolutely her loss. She’s the one who wants you close and she’s only pushing you away. I know people have probably told you that over and over and I know how annoying that can be.
You are so strong for enduring this though, I bet so many people are proud of you for sticking out with your mom for so long. I know how hard it is to take that kind of abuse, my mom has verbally and emotionally abused me for years and I’m only just starting high school.
I’m here for you and you’re not alone in this.
Love.
It sounds like you’ve been thru a lot with your mother. Moving away from her was probably the best thing you could have done. She actually sounds narcissistic to me, but who knows.
I have a very bad relationship with my father. He is very sarcastic and says some pretty messed up things to me. He lives in a different state and I have the choice to interact with him or not. Sometimes, I won’t answer his texts for a couple days if I don’t want to talk to him. Usually, when I do talk to him he ends up saying something to trigger me. So, I try really hard to protect myself and I limit my interactions with him.
I have gotten to the point where if I am talking to him (usually texting) and he says something to upset me, I stop the conversation and I go silent. It’s like hanging up. When you have to communicate with your mother you can do the same thing. Just hang up. You don’t have to sit there and listen to her BS, you can actually stop her by hanging up. If she asks you why, you can tell her straight up that you don’t like the way she talks to you. If you’ve never stood up to her like this, it will shock her and make her think…hopefully.
I know a few people who have cut off all communication with a parent or parents in order to protect themselves.
I’m so sorry that your mother treats you like this. I’m glad that you were able to move out and live with your grandmother. I hope it’s peaceful there for you. <3
From: ManekiNeko
thank you for sharing with us, I hate that you’re dealing with this. Having someone gaslight you is a horrible feeling. In some way maybe it’s because of her past that she doesn’t understand how to love you the way you deserve. I’m not sure, but it sounds like she is trying any way to hold onto keeping you around.
it’s understandable to be conflicted about loving your family, but also struggling to love them.
Sometimes the hard decisions we have to make will upset those people. You can’t live your life to appease her or you will end up hurting and miserable. Have you been able to establish boundaries with her? Like you want to talk to her, but she has to stop making statements that place guilt onto you. If she does make those statements you could possibly try something like “I don’t like when you say things to guilt me, I’m going to have to end the conversation for now”. The thing about being an adult is we ge to separate ourselves from the people our parents are or try to make us be.
I’m sorry that they told you that you were making them look bad when you were expressing so much pain. Nobody should be told that. You deserve healing. I hope that starting by putting up those boundaries make it easier for you.
Hi AJ,
It’s both relieving and disappointing to hear that I’m not the only one who has been treated this way by a parent or a caretaker.
I want to say that I’m sorry that your mother treats you like this too and thank you for what you said. I guess sometimes, it’s easy to forget that you’re an autonomous person when your mom doesn’t exactly treat you that way. I’ve tried to talk to her about how I feel and she only validates it when it falls into one of her narratives. For example, it is acceptable to be upset at my dad for something because she hates him, but it’s unacceptable to be upset at something she did or said to hurt me because it doesn’t fit into the way SHE sees that interaction. She parades her abuse around as motherly guidance and tough love even though her “tough love” has ruined my mental wellbeing again and again. I’ve decided to just let it be and just work hard towards independence.
You’re so young, too young to be dealing with that kind of stuff, and I hope you don’t let anything your mom says or does get to you. It’s going to be hard, but my advice is to keep the things and people you love close to yourself and at least a little distant from her. I know that sometimes parents will use the things their kid loves against them.
Good luck in high school and always remember that your feelings and experiences are real and okay no matter what anyone might say about them.
Hi Mystrose,
I’ve considered that possibility, but something about calling someone a narcissist feels wrong, especially because of how misused that term can be sometimes. She sounds and acts like one, but I can’t help but feel guilty about calling her that haha. I don’t know why.
I’m so glad you’ve managed to find a way to interact with your dad that protects you from the things he says. I can only hope that I find the same thing. I think that I might have to go full no-contact, though. She can get violent and she’s been known to be very stalkery. If she’s mad at you, she’ll ‘get you’ any way she can. Legally, emotionally, physically, whatever. I don’t want to deal with her when I’m a fully grown working adult. But I’ll try that method and see where it gets me.
It is disappointing that you had to learn this skill out of necessity because of your dad, but I also appreciate your advice. Thank you for sharing!
And yeah… It’s pretty nice at my grandma’s.
I agree 100%.
The way you describe your mom, I would probably cut off contact but I know how hard that is to do. It’s a big decision that needs a lot of thought. I hope that you continue to reach out here for support and I hope things smooth out for you.
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