Just Cant..I just cant anymore (trigger warning)

They always tell me be good karma is a bitch…my story started as a child around 6 is when i remember the beatings…i never knew my dad he didnt want me so didnt even show up in the hospital to see what i looked like…my mom i think despised me for that reason…my older brother had a different dad who was involved with him. We would be beat for anything really, she was a suicidal drunk… She would stand outside our bedroom door with a knife and slit her wrist in front of us and say how she hated us…we would come home from school and see her overdosed on a bottle of asprin on regular occasions…she would be foaming from the mouth and my older brother would stick his finger in her mouth to make her throw up while i called the ambulance. But KARMA RIGHT…cause a baby boy deserves that…i ended up in foster care and then a street gang…i had a child at 17 that changed my life for the better!! God took him from me 3 months later… I pulled his dead body from his crib…SIDS or crib death was the diagnosis…or others call it a test from god…i felt i was tested enough suffering from mental issues and scars from my child hood… After he died i gave up… I found myself behind bars for 2 years… I got out and the woman i lost a child with was there in my corner waiting for me…unfortunately we didnt last…the strain of losing a child was to much for us…but not before god blessed us with another son…i changed my life for him… Got my college degree in Psychology and CJ. But the PTSD never went away… I am married and have 2 more kids with my wife now…so 3 kids in total…i am the sole provider my wife stays home and i cover the bills…i am drowning and on the verge of losing my cars house and possibly my kids because social services wont allow us to have our children being homeless…my hole life has been a battle with no days off no vacations no savings just check to check to check…this cant be life and ive tried to give it time ive been patient and its getting worse…i dont have family to lean on for help…i have nobody…because im nobody…my dad didnt want me my mother didnt want me so how could anybody? The people responsible to guode me saw me as a lost cause so how do u see me any different? I love my child3en and they are young the wont remember me in 10 years ill jus be a distant memory…i have nothing in life to hold on too…so why am i afriad to pull this trigger?? I just want a break from all this stress… I cant breathe anymore. Its harder waking up everyday than just not waking at all…im also a black male so it doesnt make the decision easier when im a formulation pharmacist and people still treat me like a hoodlum… Watchin women switch their purse to the other arm when i walk past…or locking ur car door multiple times when i walk to my car in a parking lot even though i drive a mustang and dont need nor want ur rusty honda… Just adds to the fact the world might be better without me…im 27 and gone through a lifetime of grief… I think im over it…just seeing if theres something i havent heard before that can help me change my mind…i dont want to burn in hell but drowning on earth doesnt seem any better


@Nathaniel29 If you don’t mind me asking me what kind of job do you do now ? No judgment here :slight_smile: trying to see if i can maybe give you any ideas you haven’t think of :slight_smile: Also just a thought… it sounds to me that your “mom” was going through depression as well… i am sure you are fighting soooo much so you don’t end up like her… but what if hating her is what triggers your PTSD ? I don’t want to sound too absurd but what if… what if you try to forgive her, blame it on her illness and then leave that memory in the past… maybe that will stop triggering your PTSD. Also about your baby i saw somewhere that even if you don’t believe somewhere (religion) lighting a candle helps a bit… i really hope i helped and not made the matters worst! only love here <3 :slight_smile: hope everything gets better


My heart broke while reading your post. Your story. There are parts of it that deeply resonates with mine. I feel your pain. Immensely.

I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like this by those who were supposed to protect you, to love you. For each grief you’ve been carrying with you since then. For all the pressure and responsibilities weighing on your shoulders.

As I grew up my mom was a violent person too. Sometimes kind, sometimes full of hatred. Sometimes hopeful, sometimes suicidal. Just like yours, she attempted suicide several times. She was used to beat my sister and scare us. She humiliated us, threatened my life many times and put me in danger. She tried to end me. My life as a young adult felt like a giant storm as well. I’ve been through traumatic moments, of a different nature. And when I finally started to get back on my feet, my brother passed away because of a disease. It was sudden, unexpected, unnatural, unfair. I’m 26, and just like you it feels like I’ve been through a lifetime of grief.

But healing is possible. I have hope for myself. I also have hope for you right now.

I know words are not enough. And there’s no need to go into details. I feel for you through what you shared. Sincerely. Grieving is such a hurtful process. And our parents had their own demons. We were the collateral damages. But we’re still here. We achieved things in our life despite all of those things. We are still accompanied by our beloved ones, and also by those who disappeared along this jourey. We are still growing thanks to those who love us and those who allow us to love them.

You’ve been holding on for a long time. You’ve been incredibly strong. I respect you a lot.

Every breath you’ve taken since you were born has been your right entirely. Every.single.breath. Regardless of what your parents said and did to you. They were not able to let you see, in their own eyes, the reflection of your worth, of your importance, of your uniqueness. It is their loss. I only know you through what you shared, but I can already say that they lost the opportunity to see someone brave, strong through the adversity and the losses, who even graduated. Also a father and a husband who cares about his family.

You are not insignificant nor worthless. You are you. You are enough. You are worthy of love and to be shown that you are cared for. But you haven’t been shown that enough when you were vulnerable. I understand. Just know that you are loved here. Right here and right now. Unconditionally.

Experiencing PTSD is something that affects every aspect of our lives. It feeds on despair. If you ever need to talk, to put words on the experiences you’ve been through, then know my DMs are open to you. I too am learning to share, to trust myself for that, to handle how it makes me feel. But from someone who always expect to be judged, rejected or hurt if I say something important to me, I can tell you that this community is a safe place to be, to rest, to exist. Just as you are.

On a more practical level, there are some resources than you can check on the HS website: https://heartsupport.com/resources/

May I ask if your wife knows about all of this, about how you feel? Also if there is a possibility for her to help you regarding work? Sometimes we’re so afraid to let our beloved ones know about our struggles that we prevent them to actually help us. You have the right to share about how you feel, to ask for help. You don’t have to lead all of this by yourself.

Would asking for a medical leave be a possibility for you? Not necessarily for a long time, for example just a week, so you could take a break and be cut off the pressure of your work. I know it’s not a long term solution, but sometimes just having a little break is really needed, so we can evacuate the stress.

Outside your work and your family, do you allow yourself to spend some time by yourself and/or doing things you enjoy or help you to relax? I’m aware that as a parent it can be difficult to actually find some time. But maybe there’s a possibility for you to schedule a moment every day or every week, even a short one, to actually breathe and do something totally different. Something you don’t have to do, but something you appreciate.

As you mentioned being at the edge of losing everything, is there a possibility for you to get some guidance for your financial+work situation? Some services near where you live?

Of course, there’s no obligation to reply if you don’t want to. Just know that you’re not alone. We’re in this with you here.

If you want to join HS Discord server, don’t hesitate to do so: https://discord.gg/qYZaJ9 It would be a pleasure to see you there.

Hang in there.
You matter. Always. :heart: