Just checking in. Need some advice

[connerm1219]

Hey, everybody. Conner again.

So as some of you may know, going through a really tough breakup. I struggle with really serious depression, and I also have a pretty addictive personality.

Throughout the breakup, I’ve been trying to better myself to some degree. Meditation, reading a bit more, practicing some degree of self compassion. Good stuff, right?

But I’m really struggling with maintaining my sobriety, and I’m kicking myself pretty hard because of it. I’m puffing on my pen a lot. I’ll be sober pretty much until I have to go to work, then rip on that thing going out the door. Then while I’m at work, couple more puffs. Finally when we’re actually closing the restaurant, all bets are off. I rip on it pretty much as often as I want.

Part of my trying to grow is recognizing that I don’t think I can moderate my usage. And recognizing why my usage is a problem. I use weed as a way of putting distance between myself and the absolutely overwhelming depressive episode I’m in right now. Honestly, the easiest way to justify it is “who would blame you for smoking a little weed in order to NOT think about killing yourself for a few hours?”

When I’m sober, it really is absolutely overwhelming sometimes. The breakup itself is getting easier to accept, little by little. It fucking sucks, and it’s very painful, but if it’s the way it’s meant to be then so be it, I suppose.

But the depressive symptoms…? That’s where it gets unbearable. That constant aching in my chest. The dark chattering thoughts in the back of my mind that I deserve everything I’m going through, that I’ll always be stuck in this darkness, and that the only way out is to end my life. It’s just a really dark place to be in, especially with a breakup on top of that…

I’m kinda kicking the shit out of myself about it though…honestly, my game plan as it stands right now is 1. Move out of the apartment my ex and I shared and 2. Wait til my dad’s insurance reapplies next month so I can go see a psychiatrist and maybe get another therapist to help me. In the mean time, just do what I’ve gotta do to stay alive until then.

It really does get that dire sometimes…I’ve had more than one night where I thought to myself “I am so glad I don’t own a gun because if I did, tonight would be the night I do it.” And the smoking just…it makes it easier to recognize when those dark thoughts arise, and it makes it easier to shut them down…

How much of this guilt is valid self criticism and how much of it is me just being a total asshole to myself…?

[ofmiceandben]

Hey there Conner, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this, I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting. I’m glad to hear that you’re maintaining some sort of self care through this, like meditation, reading, and some self compassion. I know it might not seem like a big change or difference in how it makes you feel but it does help. Don’t undermine your success with that because that’s a huge thing to do to help better yourself in any way possible, and I’m so proud of you for doing those things.

@connerm1219

But I’m really struggling with maintaining my sobriety, and I’m kicking myself pretty hard because of it. I’m puffing on my pen a lot.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this. I’ve never been through that so I don’t know what exact advice to give you but I have known people who have been through something similar. One thing they’ve told me is that recognizing the pros vs cons of using it to cope can help. I’d reccomend literally writing out a pros and cons list, and include how it makes you feel when you’re high and even when you’re not. Maybe doing that could help you find a balance between when you should use it and when you shouldn’t. I personally believe that things like this are okay being used in moderation but I don’t know if you want to completely cut it out or not so I’d say determine a goal you want to reach with it, like just reaching a level of moderation, or completely cutting it out, or maybe even somewhere in between. Like I said, I’ve never been through this so don’t take my suggestion to heart but it is an idea.

@connerm1219

that I’ll always be stuck in this darkness, and that the only way out is to end my life. It’s just a really dark place to be in, especially with a breakup on top of that…

I understand these feelings because I’ve felt them before, and sometimes I still do, but it does get better. This pain and darkness will pass eventually and the light will start to come through. I know those words are often overused and thrown around, and maybe they’re a little cliche sometimes, but it doesn’t make them any less true. This pain is temporary and you will break through it. It can be extremely hard to see the light right when you’re in the middle of the darkness, but it’s still there.

@connerm1219

1. Move out of the apartment my ex and I shared and 2. Wait til my dad’s insurance reapplies next month so I can go see a psychiatrist and maybe get another therapist to help me. In the mean time, just do what I’ve gotta do to stay alive until then.

This is a great plan and I believe that it’s important to hold onto this hope and future you have, especially when you’re going through hard times. Sometimes if we hold onto future plans and goals it can help us push through the bad to see the results of the good. It will get better and it will get easier.

I’m proud of you for holding on and pushing through all of this. You are unbelievably strong and incredibly brave. If you ever need anything, don’t be afraid to come on here and ask for help or support, there’s always someone here to help and talk to. You mean the absolute world to me, friend. Hold fast.

[Mystrose]

Hi @connerm1219 It’s nice to hear from you.

I’ve been an addict since I was a teenager, so I too struggle hard core with all this.

I think what all this comes down to is this… we both need to find a better long term solution. Smoking weed does numb us, but we come down pretty fast and all that BS is still in our heads. It doesn’t really go away, does it? I think we have to really look at this and ask ourselves if we really want to get better.

I smoke for a lot of reasons, one being an alternative to pain pills. I can’t go there again or I will die.

When I smoke for my mental health, I notice that while I’m high my head is actually more noisy than quiet. I notice my anxiety is higher and my tolerance for noise and stress is extremely low which causes a lot of triggers.

So, I’m looking for a better way to cope with both. Hope you can too.