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Just Done With Life

The last two days have been absolutely miserable. I’ve gotten almost no sleep this week. I am a senior in high school and all of our classes are online. These classes take up 6 hours of my day everyday sitting in front of screen. Then after I’ll often find myself at work working another 4-7 hours, on top of the homework I have to do. And I have a really hard time focusing, so getting homework that should take an hour done can sometimes take three for me. So now last night and tonight I’m going to be getting 4 hours or less of sleep to get my homework done after work.

And to add to this recently I’ve been feeling down about my past failed attempts at relationships again. It was nice for a while finally getting over this girl whom I have mentioned before months ago, but then I tried to start talking to new girls, and it became clear after a few days that both have little interest in me. And it just reminded me of how pathetic I am that I’m 18 years old I still haven’t even had to chance to go out on a date with someone. I wouldn’t even care if it didn’t work out, I just hate that apparently I’m so annoying or disinteresting that I literally can’t ever even get to asking someone out. I’m so sick of this I feel miserable everyday from that, school, work, and overall just wishing I was better than I am. Recently I’ve been feeling more and more lately that I should just end my life sooner than later, because I don’t want to live an entire lonely life. I’ve been eating so bad lately too- literally been living off of chips and ice cream. And my body being in decent shape from track has taken the beating for a while, but alas I’ve gained 5 pounds in the last month and I’m starting to get visibly fatter. I just keep eating because I’m so stressed and miserable and lonely, and it’s the only thing that really makes me feel temporarily satisfied and happy. I really just want to wake up someday and feel good enough, but I fear that day will never come :(.

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Hi @thomasin34 :wave::wave: :heart:

I can’t pretend to know the stress of having to do all those hours of virtual learning, but I am sad to hear that your senior year has started off so miserably :sweat: everyone who is going through their schooling during this pandemic are w a r r i o r s

Warriors who are courageous. Warriors who are fighting for their education when everything being thrown at them is still uncertain and new. Warriors for having to sacrifice happiness and having to sacrifice precious hours of the day.

In my eyes, you’re a warrior. Even in those moments when you aren’t feeling too strong, just remember how in awe I am of your strength.

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Hey @thomasin34,

That’s indeed a LOT to deal with. It’s not surprising to hear your exhaustion, both emotional and physical. I’m not at school anymore, but I often wondered how it is to study this year with covid and distant learning. Those changes were unexpected and it pushes you to adjust your schedules, your habits, just your life in general. I hear the efforts you’ve been doing until now. That’s objectively a lot, and something you can definitely be proud of.

When we feel overwhelmed, we can try to find ways to ease the pressure - even unconsciously, and eating can definitely be one of those. In these moments it’s tempting to look at our life as a whole, to start listing all the things that are not functioning, the things that we want to change. Being aware of those things is an important step, as it will allow you to make progressive adjustments. It’s okay to feel discouraged. It’s okay to say it. Now, a question could be: what could you try to do to right now to change the things that aren’t satisfying? What are your priorities? Are there commitments and responsabilities you could get rid of or delegate these days? But even more: what could you implement during your day to have the time to breathe, recharge, and take care of yourself?

Of course, you don’t have to have all the answers at once. Progress has to be made at your own pace. Personally, when I feel overwhelmed by too many things and thoughts at once, when I feel like nothing is right in my life, I try to “declutter” my mind by writing down all the things that are stressing me. Then I try to compartmentalize: for this 1 thing: is it important or not? Is it a priority or not? What could I do today, tomorrow and for the next days to improve it? As I see it in your post, it might be about: school/scheduling; socializing/maybe anxiety?; eating habits/exercising. Maybe this exercise could be a way to start to reflect on these areas of your life:

It’s okay to aim your goals. It’s okay to crave for improvement in different areas of your life. But it’s also okay to do it step by step, to be gentle with yourself, also to find time to rest when you need it. Despite the long hours in front of your screen to study, there might be a way to organize your planning that would make it less heavy, more breathable, and maybe less triggering.

You are good enough already. But there are things in your life that are not satisfying right now, and that is totally understandable. You are a work in progress. We all are. And that’s okay. Oftentimes, life is about finding new strategies, trying new things, stepping out of our comfort zone and growing. I have no doubt you’ll get where you want. But it requires you and your own participation. Maybe the things you tried before to meet someone, to study or have healthy eating habits didn’t work. Maybe you spent some time stuck in those habits without really noticing until now. In any case: it’s okay. You can still get back on your feet, progressively, and make small changes in your life. It might be small at the beginning, but it will bring you to great things. To your goals, your desires, your dreams. Don’t give up on those, friend. It’s part of you. And who you are is important. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your life matters.

Iwant to encourage you to be gentle with yourself during those difficult times. You got this. :hrtlegolove:

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