The last two days have been absolutely miserable. I’ve gotten almost no sleep this week. I am a senior in high school and all of our classes are online. These classes take up 6 hours of my day everyday sitting in front of screen. Then after I’ll often find myself at work working another 4-7 hours, on top of the homework I have to do. And I have a really hard time focusing, so getting homework that should take an hour done can sometimes take three for me. So now last night and tonight I’m going to be getting 4 hours or less of sleep to get my homework done after work.
And to add to this recently I’ve been feeling down about my past failed attempts at relationships again. It was nice for a while finally getting over this girl whom I have mentioned before months ago, but then I tried to start talking to new girls, and it became clear after a few days that both have little interest in me. And it just reminded me of how pathetic I am that I’m 18 years old I still haven’t even had to chance to go out on a date with someone. I wouldn’t even care if it didn’t work out, I just hate that apparently I’m so annoying or disinteresting that I literally can’t ever even get to asking someone out. I’m so sick of this I feel miserable everyday from that, school, work, and overall just wishing I was better than I am. Recently I’ve been feeling more and more lately that I should just end my life sooner than later, because I don’t want to live an entire lonely life. I’ve been eating so bad lately too- literally been living off of chips and ice cream. And my body being in decent shape from track has taken the beating for a while, but alas I’ve gained 5 pounds in the last month and I’m starting to get visibly fatter. I just keep eating because I’m so stressed and miserable and lonely, and it’s the only thing that really makes me feel temporarily satisfied and happy. I really just want to wake up someday and feel good enough, but I fear that day will never come :(.