I’ve always been empathetic, sharing my emotions with those around me. I’m happy when others are, sad when they are. I try my best to be there for people, so much so I brush my own struggles under the rug, put on a fake smile, and talk about hope, trying to help them see that life isn’t great, but it isn’t horrible. I’ve been doing this for so long, it took a toll on me. I’ve been having really bad anxiety over the last 6 months, and I can’t talk to anyone I know about it without feeling like a liar or a burden.
I’ve been “trained” (for lack of better phrasing) to a general feeling of worthlessness. I was bullied all my life due to never playing outside and clung onto the fact that even if people don’t like me, I always have the games at home to forget about what happened that day.
I eventually joined the furry fandom, after years of being with my IRL friends I finally socialized online (I was about 16 at this point, 20 now). I made a few friends in a gaming community that I’m still semi-active in 4 years later. One of those friends took me to a server he was active in, about 2 years later, which was great, i thought.
It was good for the most part, I got the random experience of trolls here and there while I was talking to friends, and it was great! The owner of the server, however, took off his mask about 8 months later and revealed a very different side. This guy would come into a call with me and a few of my friends, talk to them, and when I would try to talk about something, would interrupt me saying that nobody cares. He would constantly belittle me and my BF at the time, calling us faggots (which was funny because he too was gay and was WAY more flamboyant) He even questioned what I saw in him, to which i told him it was none of his concern my reasons for dating him since he probably didnt care anyway.
About a month later I had a break down in a call, I just didnt feel worth anything at that point, after I played a few rounds, I just broke down and cried. The dude comes into call and tells me to shut the fuck up because it’s making others uncomfortable. One person in the call spoke up and told him it was ok. The dude flipped, saying it wasnt appropritate at all to do that in a chat, that its the reason nobody likes me, incuding him. I just died there basically, i muted my mic and almost overdosed on my anti depressents. I lost almost all my will to live there. The last bit got lost within a week. I was working, got on my phone after a quick restroom break, and saw that he and 4 of the admins in the server, sent me msgs about wanting me to leave and kill myself, that nobody cares or like me enough to tell me otherwise. I just couldnt handle it. I couldn’t speak, I could barely walk. I had to go to my busy manager on register and shake her a bit to get her attention and just hug her. After that she asked if I was ok, she noticed how hard i was sobbing. I couldnt say anything, but looked at her, and made a finger gun pointed to my head, and acted like I was firing it, trying to tell her I was thinking about suicide. She understood and just hugged me. She actually saved my life that day, and I’m ever grateful.
That whole situation caused my depression and anxiety to spike, along with giving me a lasting paranoia about those I care about.
Even though I know theres kind people in my life, people that do care, I know there’s people that suffer more that need help worse than I do. I try not to use my friends or public forums that much because I know people could use it.
Ive tried many things, therapy, medication, and general coping techniques. The therapists I can afford don’t help and I don’t have any reliable income to get online therapy, even with finacial support.
I also feel like an outcast way too much. The furry fandom is fucking brutal, I haven’t been able to get a character made for it, and I feel isolated due to it. I’m getting one soon though so I can see if that helps.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.