Just everything ive bottled up for a few months

hi everyone :smiley:

ive just been feeling like i can’t talk to even the closest people in my life.

i think i saw that the heartsupport streams ended and i just wanted to say thank u all for your continued support in chat and on this forum for years :slight_smile: this has always been my fallback, when i feel so depressed or anxious that i can’t journal. and everyone is always so great.

i got a job (technically doing a service term). I’ll be tutoring math at an elementary school. I’m feeling excited, empowered, proud, nervous. The organizations values are so aligned with my own and that is really exciting, especially after only having worked retail where they want us to sell credit cards til we drop. I’m excited to expand on something I learned about in college. I’m excited to challenge myself, because it certainly will be challenging. im almost scared. my life will be so different in just a few days when i start at the school. training has been fun. ive been exhausted.

im a bit of a stoner. I’m nervous that will somehow hold me back in a way that i don’t realize until later. I obviously wont go to work high. I feel lso proud of the things that I have been able accomplish daily and in the bigger picture. I have so many good habits. definitely some not so good habits… too much starbucks… more weed than necessary. But i also feel so much more accomplished and driven and excited. so maybe its not that bad. maybe for now… being a stoner isn’t taking away from life. Plus, this tutor position will be my first full time job. I am excited and I want to put my time and effort into this. It’s gonna take up a lot of time. I’m not gonna toking up during any of that. So I think ill be fine? but maybe im just rationalizing a definitely bad, bad thing.

But I also got back into reading some stuff in german and felt more fluent and excited about both reading books and the german language than i did when i studied abroad there. I also feel really secure in my gender journey. I experience insecurity and dysphoria, yes, but i accept that and appreciate those feelings and what they can do for me. I try to be nicer to people even when im not feeling it. I’m trying to listen to my body and feed it jussst before it tells me to… i get hangry really fast. im trying to take naps when i need to instead of trying to push through with a cloudy mind and irritable mood. i try to help my parents out. i try to let everyone know when i appreciate something they are doing.

ive gone on a few dates with this guy who also wants to take things slow. I find him somewhat attractive and sweet and kind but i also got this feeling that i always get. Context for the feeling; he doesn’t do anything outside of work and is always asking what im doing, which i feel is an invitation to hang out (because sometimes it is) and i do not like that feeling. I don’t like the feeling that either i am too hooked onto someone else or someone else is too hooked onto me. Then, i think about how there’s a real possibility that that’s a mental hurdle i will have to overcome at some point or another… and then i think that in either case, right now i don’t think its a hurdle that i want or can get through. I don’t think that struggle is worth it right now. Is it an excuse to blame it on the new job? what if he just didn’t romance me the way that makes sense for me. maybe we just don’t actually have the dynamic. I always want a thoughtful boyfriend and just because this guy is thoughtful, doesn’t mean he has to be my boyfriend. I just feel like a jerk. I feel like I always have this thought train with guys who have mutual feelings for an extended period of time. I don’t want to go around ruining guys’ weeks and just operating off of insecurity. but it feels like a chore, and it gives me anxiety to respond to him now.

I am juggling going between my mom’s and dad’s houses. Sometimes feel pressured to spend more times with one of them.

im also feeling isolated from my best friend. she doesn’t make a lot of bids for my attention and i feel like i do a lot of bidding. her and i like to play games together. and i just feel like she never tries to meet me halfway. she is reluctant to try new games even when im feeling really exhausted by the current one. when i was studying abroad in germany i would wake up at 6 am to get some play time in with them. i did that so i could have social interaction. but at the same time… it doesn’t feel great because she doesn’t do the same for me. at my retail job this summer, i was working at 6am a lot, so i started going to sleep around 8/9/10. Yet, even when my friend isn’t working her usual evening shift, she won’t start playing games until late at night and then she’ll make a comment about how we don’t play because i go to bed so early. it sounds dumb. but it just sucks not to have effort like that reciprocated.

im feeling really alone. it sucks that i feel like i can’t fully connect to anyone around me. but i have built a little inner support system, which im really proud of. I know im strong. I know im capable. I know i have value. I just don’t feel like i get that energy back much. The supervisors I have at my new job at the elementary school are really terrific and focus on empowering each of us tutors, so I’m excited to be seen and valued there. They have already shown they value me. My retail job showed me that too. They really appreciated me. Feels good, just wish it was for something outside of work too.

my mom idolizes my brother in the military working at the white house. our house is like a shrine. The only picture of me in my dads and my moms houses is of when i wore a suit and didn’t look overly feminine.
my sister stopped talking to me and letting her kids around me when I started wearing makeup, even though she was the one who introduced me to expressing my femininity as a kid.
my best friend seems irritated with everything and i feel a little like part of my support system is just gone. sometimes our relationship ebbs and flows so im kinda just letting it be for now.
my dad tries his best but his wife and her family cause me far too much stress. (it actually has been amazing practice on breathing through frustration).

but i can also tell you ways that i might have hurt these people or not done my best for them. and maybe it makes sense that they distance themselves from me.

dang… long message… guess its been bottled up

definitely gonna explore therapy was i get going at my school site.

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I’m really glad to hear that you’re feeling proud of yourself! You deserve to feel proud of yourself and empowered because you are so capable of this job and you also have an amazing passion that shines through even reading your message.
Those little moments of exhaustion can be daunting so hopefully you can give yourself some rest between work to enjoy fun things or have a quiet moment.

It sounds to me like you have a very mature head on your shoulders and have had a good think about how you want to handle the situation involving weed.
I haven’t smoked, so I can’t fully speak on the matter, but I get the sense that you’re aware of the fact that you’re not allowing it to be something that takes over your life or deters you from moving forward. That’s something you can be proud of!

All these little decisions to improve your inner health is really wonderful. I can’t imagine how it feels for you to struggle with gender identity. Have you been feeling more comfortable in yourself? It’s hard that your sister has been hesitant to embracing you for who you are. My hope is that she sees you flourishing as your authentic self and falls in love with this true you she hasn’t experienced before.

You’re right in saying that you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone just because they are thoughtful. I think sometimes as scary as it is, communicating what you need can help develop the relationship in the right direction. That could be friendship or romantic. How do you feel the response from him would be if you expressed your concerns to him?
If this example helps I’d like to share when I started dating my partner he was very quiet and very nervous about sharing about himself. He didn’t try to hold my hand and when I thought there was a moment we would kiss he would pull away. Finally he opened up to me about what was holding him back and it was a relief for both of us.
Your situation isn’t exactly the same I am aware of that, but maybe letting him know if you want to take things slower or if you’re worried about becoming too attached with one another it could possibly help you both feel comfortable.
If none of that is relevant at all, forgive me for blabbering on so much about it!

How you feel about your friend isn’t dumb. It sounds like you are a very good friend and put a lot of effort into having time with them. Have you expressed to them before about needing them to put in a little more consideration to the friendship?

All in all it was a pleasure reading your post, especially reading how much value you know you hold and how proud you are of your hard work!
Thank you for sharing this lovely post!
Kia kaha- stay strong x

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thanks for taking the time to read and reply!

I definitely have a variety of feelings depending on my mood. Sometimes I feel almost euphoric about who I am becoming, other days i feel like a stranger to myself. Sometimes my appearance and my self-expression are further along in the gender journey than my brain is… if that makes sense.

I did bring up these concerns yesterday after feeling a little stir-crazy. I kinda am in a similar situation as you were actually. Him and I have hung out four times and he’s almost gotten less comfortable with the hugs I try to give. definitely no hand-holding has happened. I told him i was nervous about getting super serious, especially since my daily life is gonna change a lot. I am going to have to find new routines and stuff once i start working at this school. I told him i just can’t fulfill needs he might have. He replied ‘i don’t really have any needs’. This response, combined with him telling me he doesn’t have any friends and whenever he’s not working, he’s available to hang out, just feels like he might want to depend on me for those social and romantic needs. Everybody has needs! and because his needs feel like a burden on me, i just don’t think its the way to go. I already feel so pressured by the way my mom, dad and stepmom are constantly trying to ask where I am staying the night or where I am eating dinner. I just don’t think I can handle another person that depends on me… if that makes sense… does that sound rude?

We had a conversation a few months ago where she apologized for not being a great friend and that was nice. I think things got better for a bit. but now its the same. She is also mentally ill and struggles a lot with this off-and-on attachment to her boyfriend. So i recognize she is likely in a lot of emotional ups and down. Whenever they break up she gets to some low lows and doesn’t believe she can get through it. I know that feeling and it sucks. Yet, I just feel like I’ve done what I can for her. The friendship is worth another conversation for sure, I just am taking time to kinda process that it hurts a bit. Hurts to not be a priority.