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Just....fml

Came across this place while on Google. I have been trying my hardest with my 3 kids. Everyday is something from them towards me. Today my son through my dog and she hit the wall. He did this just to hurt me. I am living my best life right now and then there is them. They are punishing me for being on drugs years ago. And now I feel like I will never be happy. They treat me like shit. I’m a slut, whore, cunt, bitch, whatever they want. Bust up my house, break my things, hurt my dog. They make me want to end my life. I feel like I am trapped. There is no way for me to get the toxic relationships out of my life because they are my kids and I deserve this. They are abusive. I get that they are mad but how long do i have to pay for mistakes I made a long time ago? The 19 and 18 year old scare my 12 year old daughter. They tell her I’m Still on drugs. She can’t have a normal childhood. And its affecting her in bad ways. I don’t want to miss out on life, but I’m tired. There is nothing normal about them. I literally have no joy. They refuse mental help. They blame me for everything bad or wrong that happens. Its taking a role on me. And sure talking helps, for like 10 minutes. The feeling to just run away and off myself is overwhelming. When I say to myself I’m just gonna do it I feel peaceful. That scares me. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want them to carry that through life even tho they in fact make me want to do it. Doing my best and I am constantly abused. If i wasn’t afraid of my daughter finding me I would have done it already I think. This kind of stuff really scares me. But the peace I feel when I think about not waking up is intoxicating. I even have planned it out. How can kids treat their mother like this?

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The feeling is so common nowadays. But it’s not worth it! Ending your life is so not worth it. Every life, no matter how many mistakes, deserves to be lived happily and with no regrets. We all make stupid decisions, and NO ONE is perfect. That doesn’t make us horrible, it makes us human. You made a mistake. If you’ve owned up to it, it’s not on you anymore. It is not your fault anymore. They can either forgive you or be horrible for the rest of their life. That’s on them. Not you. You made your choice, they have to make their own. Apologize once more and then leave it. They need to realize that they arent perfect either. YOU’RE THEIR MOTHER!!! YOU GAVE THEM LIFE! That’s a gift that no one should ever take for granted. Being a parent is the hardest thing to do. As for your daughter, think about her future. Dont end your life. She needs a mother. A strong beautiful capable mother like yourself. You are so strong. YOU BEAT DRUGS! That’s Incredible! They will have their own families and they’ll realize how difficult it is. Im sure you’ve sacrificed so much for them. They are old enough to make rational decisions, if they choose to waste that, that’s not your fault. You did your best to give them a future, your job is done with them. Now your job is to beat the hell out of life and give your daughter a happy mother. We’re so proud of you!!! Hang in there.

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Really thank you! I tried to tell my oldest today to not dwell in the past as it would only hurt him. I had to make him leave and he wants to come back. Pulls in my heart strings as his mother. And I do feel like my daughter and I aren’t getting a fair shot at having a healthy relationship. And I have apologized. I am an open recovering addict, I don’t hide it. There aren’t even days I want to go back to that. Even days like today. I feel like his hate towards me and the way he is spiteful and dwells is making his life worse just like u said. It rates me up inside. Making him leave wasn’t that hard cause it was a heated moment. But keeping my foot put down is. But I know deep down if i let him come back in 2 days I will be back to depressed wanting to end it and lacking joy. And I am finally in a place where I could enjoy life, do things with them. But the oldest 2 fight me. And they know just what to say to make me want to jump off a bridge. It breaks my heart that my baby can’t have a normal childhood because we don’t know who is going to be psycho today. My dogs even have anxiety. I wish I had made better choices and my baby is terrified because they constantly tell her I’m still on dope. And I’m not they are just spiteful. I pay all their bills and mine. We live in a house that we are buying. I try to get them what they want but they have what they need. That stuff makes me happy. Watching them break mirrors and bust pictures and punch doors makes me want to crawl in a hole. And I feel resentful because this is the best I’ve ever been. This is the best they’ve had it. This is the most stable we’ve ever been. Why do they want to take that away. I understand be mad, shit I was mad at myself. But for how long? Its been 7 years.

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I understand how hard it must be. Actually, I don’t understand. I just know that is IS hard and you are incredible for staying and standing firm. You ARE strong. I don’t know what you should do for your daughter, but I do know that ending your life will only make it 500x worse. That’ll traumatize her forever. Kicking him out was the best thing you could do for him, for your daughter, and for yourself. YOU. You should come first. Don’t let your kids upset you to the point where you want to end it all. They are your kids, and no matter what, you will always be their mother. They can’t change that. I hope and pray it gets easier. Sometimes pain lasts for a really long time to strengthen either our faith or our self in general. You deserve so much more than this and I will pray that you get it. God bless you. As a hurting soul and as a strong mother.

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Thank you for your kind words! I really needed to hear them. I hate this feeling of despair and feeling of hopelessness. I want to enjoy them. And I do try. But humans can only take so much crap and hate from others. And I don’t want to carry this forever. I have put everything in place for him to better himself. And he does nothing! My middle child is bipolar and he can be mean as a snake on his bad days. But my oldest is just spiteful and whiney. Thinks I owe him something is what it feels like. You don’t hear much about parent abuse but its real!! And it is very hard to remove toxic when you’ve created it in a sense.

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Just hold on. Stay strong. I will pray for you and I hope everything works out for the absolute best.

@Tinimo81

Hey friend, thank you for sharing this. This is a tough situation and I really hope it will get better in times to come. It’s obvious that you care about your kids. And you’re right this is an abusive situation. It’s not fair to be afraid of your own daughter. Two of them are adults already and you shouldn’t be drained to the point of thinking about ending your days. Even if you had your own struggles in the past and it impacted them they can’t blame and hurt you forever for this. They also need to learn to heal and find some peace. Otherwise this violence will just grow progressively.

When it’s impossible to talk, it can be interesting to let a third party intervene. I guess as they weren’t interested in therapy, they wouldn’t agree with the idea of having a family mediator coming to help. But do you think this could be a possibility? I mean, you are still the parent. And it’s affecting all of you. You have the right to ask for the help of a professional, even if you’re children are not willing to at first. Especially if they’re living with you right now. It’s also the job of the professional to work on that and create an environment where communication is possible and effective.
Also maybe another possibility would be for you to see a therapist to talk about this situation and think about possible solutions together? It could be a first step and a way to take care of you in the same time.

Sending much love to you. :heart:

My brother did drugs when we were growing up, and it made our house a toxic environment. But we learned a few things on the Al-Anon side of things that are useful to toxic situations even beyond drugs.

  1. The Three Cs: you didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CURE it, and you can’t CONTROL it. I know your older kids resent you, but that’s the choice they make every day, especially now that you’re 7 years sober and they’re adults. For all your past transgressions, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT that they continue to treat you this way. No amount of “supporting” them with bills, housing, or gifts will make them forgive you or stop being horrible to you; they have to do that on their own, and in the meantime your support is just enabling them and emboldening them to keep hurting and taking advantage of you.

  2. Letting go with love. This is a hard one, and something you have to be ready for. It isn’t fair to live your life in fear and anxiety over what an addict (or otherwise toxic) person will do next. For your own peace, you have to let them go. That doesn’t mean stop loving them; they’re your kids, you’ll always love them deep down. But by keeping them at home, you’re letting them break you down and trap you in your past. The idea goes something along the lines of “I love you and always will, and I hope the best for you. But you are toxic and I can’t be around you anymore. You need to go your own way. I hope you find recovery/peace, and I hope to hear from you when you’re better.” When you can let go with love, they become solely responsible for their lives, feelings, and actions. They’ll say and do ugly things because they’re unwilling to take responsibility for themselves. Don’t engage, don’t let them draw you in; like you said, they know how to press your buttons and make you feel awful. Just repeat your let-go like a mantra, and picture yourself being free and happy in the life you’ve overcome so much to achieve. Hopefully they come to their senses out in the world, there’s a chance they may not, but in either case it’s no longer your responsibility or your fault, and you’re free from their toxicity.

People don’t have to be drug users to be toxic and tear apart a household. They’re no better than you were in your days of using just because they’re not using. I don’t know your story, but think about the people that helped you in recovery, who held you accountable and refused to let you use them. Also think about the people you manipulated and the traits that made them vulnerable. With your experience, you know each of those people, and you now get to choose which person you are to your sons.

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