Can’t believe I’m writing this at almost 3 AM right now, and i’m sorry if this sounds a bit all over the place.
But I just had my worst panic/anxiety attack in a while.
I had done an interview with a college 2 days before this “episode” I just had tonight. And just as I was starting to fall asleep, my mind immediately went into panic mode. I started to have flashbacks to when I was getting bullied by teachers at my old public school. I was also crying and shaking uncontrollably. And for how irrational this sounds, my mind told me “what if your potential college professors will treat you the same way those teachers did back in elementary school?” “they’ll think you’re a failure… they may even straight up tell you to your face this time.” “they don’t even want to help you… they’ll just be like the old teachers,” etc.
Even the thought of physically being around teachers will send me into a panic attack because my public school teachers constantly made me feel like i was a failure, like i was worthless, stupid and useless from a pretty young age. (I’m currently homeschooled, so the very high possibility of me coming back into a public school environment with real-life teachers is going to be very difficult for me, emotionally and mentally.)
My mind is still somewhat racing yet my body is exhausted from my very intense crying and shaking. Again, I’m so sorry if this was all over the place, but I’m just worried and a little bit scared about the future in general. I’m 16 and a junior in highschool… I know I shouldn’t be too worried or scared, but I just am…
I am so sorry you had this experience. I was homeschooled some years too because of stress from school. Fortunately not because of what you had to go through.
Sometimes traumas just sneak up on us. And hit us hard. You are strong and you got this. It is ok to have these moments. I know it is scary, but it doesn’t mean it will stay forever.
Sending love your way.
Hey, it’s completely okay to be worried and scared. You’ve had really awful teachers and it can be so scary to think you might experience that again. But I want you to remember to tell yourself that how those teachers treated you was unacceptable, that you are smart, and that you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I went to a strict catholic school where some of the teachers were awful. Then when I went to college the professors were so chill. You’ll find that professors for the most part love what they are teaching and they respect their students so much more. They see you as an adult and trust that you will be responsible and do your work and come to class. Professors want you to succeed. It’s understandable why you had a panic attack. But please remember that you deserve to be treated better. And also, maybe set up some office hours to get to know those professors so you will feel more comfortable asking questions and asking for help. Hold fast.
I’m sorry that the Catholic school teachers were awful to you. You don’t deserve it. What happened at school can affect you negatively. They should look out for you instead of being shallow. I’m glad you had amazing professors. They made an impact on your life. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping our comrade out. I am looking forward for your next Twitch stream. Hehe. Hugs!
Panic attacks are the worst. It feels like death wants to take you away. Those public school teachers who miss treated you should be ashamed of themselves. Teachers are supposed to be role models. NOT BULLIES!!! You don’t deserve it! Hearing shit like that makes me angry! Sigh. You won’t go through those experiences again. You will have great teachers. Just hang in there. Thank you for sharing.
I’m really sorry to hear about how your teachers treated you in the past. I understand where your fear is coming from. Some positive things to look at are 1) you recognize total panic over it is irrational. That’s a good first step. Some worry about your future is justified and normal, as everyone worries abt the future. Do you best to keep top of mind how great college is going to be. Think about it, you get to study something you’re really interested in and be surrounded by peers who have the same interests! The academic resources I had access to in college and what I got to express in my studies was so cool. And I made great friends, including one of my now closest friends. That will certainly happen to you
College is VERY different from a public school experience. When you were in public school you were a kid without really any agency or ability to stand up for yourself. That’s all different now. Professors in college are mostly laid back and respectful, but like any group in life, they do have their antagonistic ones. If you run into any of those, you’ll have power that you didn’t have as a child. You can not only tell them directly their behavior is disrespectful and out of line, but you can also report them to campus administration. It may help to ease your anxiety, once you have a college picked out, to find out the department or contact name for reporting issues to. Maybe you’d like to meet with them early in the semester to express your concerns or hear from them how they handle any issues. Remember you will have power and resources at hand that you didn’t have when you were a child.
Hey friend,
I totally feel you I been there, I had anxiety for years now but my life has change since I been to church. I don’t know your religion but I’m a christian, but ill pop in when I need to in heart support when I need to. But god has been telling me to get on but in collage so i’m rarely on i totally recommend talking to god praying to him. he may not giving you answer right way but god is going to give to you soon.
Philippians 4:6 says Don’t worry about anything. Instead,tell God about everything. Ask and pray. Give thanks to him.
I’ll be praying for you message me anytime I don’t know when ill answer but i will answer soon.
much love
I get like this too, @neontrapdoors
I get really bad anxiety and panic attacks all the time, I even get them from just walking into a school. Usually, I just try and bottle it up, than let it out when I get into the shower. I also have suffered from teachers, but my hand injury usually gets them to leave me alone. I’m hoping that the college that you go to has people who will understand, I would personally just try my best. Im hoping for you, Neon.
