Hello, for months and months, I would say it will take a year … or more, I don’t know. I no longer feel emotions, nor laugh, nor smile … Nothing. And a few weeks ago, well … I began to feel bad … with myself … I hated myself and could not look at myself in the mirror … When I unwittingly looked at me I wanted to break it … I don’t know why, I hate myself. I look in the mirror and disgust myself … I was thinking about cutting myself, I don’t know why, but I never got to do it in case it hurt? … I don’t know. The fact is that yesterday I was worse than normal, look on the internet what are the diagnoses of depression … I met them all that day, but then I don’t know what happened … Suddenly I came home and found myself cheerful? … I do not know how to explain it. And I think that if I have depression, it doesn’t go up to date, right? So I don’t know if I’ve had it or not. And I need to know, now.
Hey @blood,
Thank you for sharing with us. 
It seems that recognizing what you’re experiencing in the symptoms of depression may be an interesting thing to dig further. And it’s great that you started to look after things you could relate too.
However, I can relate somehow to the feelings you described. Not currently, but I felt that way during a certain time in my life. And it was something very disturbing. Like being indifferent to everything without wanting to. It gaves me that impression of depersonalization, of being outside of myself most of the time.
And when we feel that way, we can be tempted to try to cope with unhealthy things. For me, it ended on being obsessed with controlling my body and weight. It was really unhealthy, and it never was a relief. It only added another suffering. So I just want to say: I am so glad you didn’t hurt yourself. It would never be a solution to do that.
The fact that you recently were in a good mood is a very good thing. And I hope that when it happens, you get to enjoy that feeling. However, what you’ve been experiencing for a few months isn’t to be ignored. And when you say that you “hate yourself” and “disgust yourself”, it’s not nothing. It matters.
So, here, no one would be able to say to you what only a doctor could. So, first of all, I can only encourage you to talk about this with a doctor or a therapist. And if you don’t know how to explain your situation to them, try to bring with you what you read about depression and what you can relate to. That could be a good start. And, just in case, know that there’s absolutely nothing wrong to do that, and there’s nothing wrong with you either. You deserve to feel much better.
Much Love.
Hey @blood 
I’m so glad you came here to share this.
It sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for such a long time, and I’m so glad that you’re looking into it. You’ve made such a huge step, maybe the most important step!
I agree wholeheartedly with what @Micro said to you, so really I’m just here to say that I care about how you feel, and I’m here to talk as well if you need. Much love!