I recently lost my baby girl just on the 12th of this month, so only 4 days and had been drinking 3 bottles of wine a day. I wanted to stop the drinking and am 41 hours sober. This is bittersweet because I not only now feel all the pain and grief, but also feel everything id pushed deep down while I was drinking. I am not able to hardly eat, I spend most of the night awake and and most of the day crying. I’m on my own and have no friends or family to talk to. I have to plan her funeral and keep putting it off because it hurts so much. I’ve not been able to talk to anyone about me and Beth’s whole story. I don’t know how to go on and I don’t know how to function anymore. I spend most of my time alone and in bed. If I’m not in bed I play my piano a bit. But nothing makes me feel ok with this. It feels like a literal missing piece in my heart. I can feel it gone. I can’t come to terms with this and right at this moment I can’t cope. I don’t think there is any point of staying around so I’m going to go. I can’t get through this alone but I’m always alone so it’s time to go
I am sorry for your loss of your baby girl a few days ago, that sounds extremely difficult to cope with mentally and emotionally. It seems like you need someone physically to help walk alongside you to bring you encouragement and assist with processing everything.
This entire quote is true to the core when grieving because our minds and souls do not have a place to file deaths in our lives, especially if it is very sudden. I know how you feel and have been in your shoes with losing someone very close.
Give yourself time to grieve properly and do not lose hope!
You are loved friend from the bottom of my heart.
Eric F. <3
My heart goes out to you entirely. I am aware that words are not enough in such circumstances, but I want you to know that you’re not alone right there. We’ll support you through this painful time. For what it’s worth, I’m virtually holding your hand, thinking about you and your baby girl. And I want you to know that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to stay awake at night. You don’t have to function right now as you did before. Your heart is grieving. And this pain is yours. It is acknowledged, seen, and now shared because you give us the priviledge to be here. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing about what you’re going through.
And should I say, you are probably stronger than you can see it right now. Being 41 hours sober is incredible. There is a spark of life right here, and you can be sure that this community will help you keep it alive.
If one day you are willing to share Beth’s story, know that this is a safe place to do so. Losing someone we dearly love feels, just as you said, like losing a part of ourselves. Somehow she’s still with you. She’s in your heart and that is, without a doubt, a beautiful place to be. There is so much love in your heart and soul my friend. She won’t be forgotten.
Sending all the love and hugs to you.
Thank you, and thank you for your reply. It is so comforting to think someone is virtually holding my hand through this. I am still sober since writing the original post and I’m trying to keep it that way.
I would love to be able to share Beth’s story as nobody has wanted to really hear, it is either too upsetting or they don’t want to hear about a baby dying and I long to share that there was way more to her than a baby that passed away. It will be painful and will take a little time but I will post her story here after Tuesday Which is her funeral day
I Am so sorry for your loss. It must be the worse feeling in the world to have to bury your child its the grief of any parent. I hope you find peace.
My heart goes out to you. I can never understand the depth of your pain, as I haven’t lost a child, but I can imagine that it is deep. There is only so much that one can say. But thank you for being able to share with us in this space. I, too, would like to know her story and yours, in time, when you are ready to share.
Just know, I am holding you in my heart right now and sending love and strength in this time.
For those that wanted to know our story here it is
this is so raw (1 week)
I was having my last allowed IVF cycle and to cut this part short we thought it failed but turned out we tested too early. The pregnancy was going ok and on the 19 week mark we went for a scan which found we were having not one but 4 babies!
Just a week later we were admitted To hospital as I had an infection in my bladder. I was getting pains and found out they were labour pains.
We got taken to a room and waited for a doctor that wanted to come scan me. It seemed like forever but then he finally came and scanned my babies. I waited for the words ok all good and bed rest or something but they were not the words I got, instead I was told 3 of my babies did not have a heartbeat and only one was still with us. Baby C is still alive. At this point i was getting pains still and they said we could try to keep baby C in for longer and see if there was a chance for survival. I wanted at least a chance for baby C and was taken down for a cervical cerclage and put on complete bed rest and medications. They put me on antibiotics and there started my journey to our goal of at least 24 weeks. I was doing as ok as I could be and baby C was coping well. We got to 22 weeks and 5 days when I had developed a much stronger infection and contractions started up. They tried tilting the bed with my legs up to keep baby in. They put me on stronger antibiotics but by the late morning I was dilating against the stitch so they took me to take it out. The pains got worse and worse and they gave me a shot for baby’s lungs. By about 6pm I was in so much pain I couldn’t stay still and was in tears so was taken to delivery where I spent 2 more hours in labour before I felt the need to go toilet and as Started to get up with the help from a nurse my baby fell out onto the bed. Suddenly the room filled and they were working on my little girl. Next thing I know I felt unwell and dizzy. The next thing I remember is waking up on a blood transfusion and back from theater. They told me my baby was critical but stable and that I could go see her soon.
Beth’s NICU story
I was being updated about her situation until I was able to go see her, but a doctor came in before this could happen and said some things that ended up being so muffled in my mind as the words stuck out we will get someone to take you to her as we think you should turn off her life support. This is after she had a brain bleed and a collapsed lung. I said no I am not switching off her support because I want her to choose her own time and give her as much chance as possible. On her 19th hour of life I was finally taken to her and I told her I was there with her and I was fighting with her and for her, but if she needs to go I will understand. I sat and talked to her for about 15 minutes and then I placed my baby finger onto her hand and she rested her fingers on to the top of it and I started to tell her a story. There was a book that was not very baby oriented but a young child had left it when visiting a baby sibling in there so I read aliens love panta clause to my little girl who id now settled on calling Beth. She passed away as I finished the story and had fought a very brave 19 hours. I will always be proud of her for being so strong.
Thank you so much for being able to share your pain and courage with us. And thank you for sharing Beth’s story here.
Thank you so much for sharing Beth’s story, @LauraJane. It really means a lot. You baby girl was very brave, and so are you. What you experienced together, the bond that unites you, will always be yours, unique and special.
Thank you for your trust, your bravery and your vulnerability.
Still holding your hand, friend.