Hi so I know this is in the “Hopeless I’m stuck” category but I’m new and have no idea how to make it in a category that’s just like “need advice/help.”
Ok so like very quickly: I used to play online PVP games and my parents hate it, especially my mom because she thinks that they’re going to like kill me. I wish she would understand that I know about online safety and that I don’t seek out older people to talk to since like I don’t know people’s ages if I don’t ask.
I met this girl my age like a month older and she and I have become really good friends- we would stay from 9:30pm - 4am just talking and sharing stories and asking for advice or help. She has been struggling for a long time. I met her about a year and a half ago but before that she’s been so hurt. Her dad was abusive and left when she was 9, she has a terrible heart condition where the muscles around her heart don’t work, not her actual heart. I totally forget what it’s called and she also has seizures all the time and we’re only 17.
I made a fake gmail account so I could talk to her without my parents knowing. She lives far away from me (We both live in the USA only I live on the East and she lives in the middle of the country) Talking to her by email was the only connection I have to her.
She told me about a month or so ago that she was ready to give up on life. Whether by suicide or health issues she didn’t care. (She is suicidal and depressed and cuts but she’s been getting a little better, slowly but surely I’m hoping) She was back in the hospital because a fucked surgery messed up her heart a little more and she couldn’t breathe so they had to do another emergency surgery and the doctors told her she has an 85% chance of dying next time she has a seizure.
2 weeks ago she stopped talking to me, stopped responding to my emails. I tried texting her (which is dangerous for me because my parents monitor me very closely) anyways I tried, I’ve texted her, emailed her, had another online friend of ours text her and she just hasn’t responded. I’m so scared she’s dead. So fucking terrified because she has been my closest friend I think I ever had. And I honestly am still trying to hold onto the fact she might be alive since I haven’t heard she died.
She told me she’d ask her mom to call or email me but if she had a seizure and then died she can’t be like “Mom tell my friend” or whatever. And it’s so surreal, I’m like 70% sure she died and 30% hoping she hasn’t and I’m not crying. I haven’t cried yet most likely because I haven’t accepted truly that she’s dead.
With each passing day though I’m slowly (very slowly) accepting/believing she won’t answer ever again. That she’s dead and gone and she wanted to call me before she thought she would die or something and I didn’t. I texted her asking what a good time would be for her to call and she never responded and I can’t help but think this is where our journey ends together…?
I believe in an afterlife I just, we had made so many plans on what to do when we got older, what we would do when we finally met. She was (is) my best friend and I can’t lose her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to my mom or dad or sister or whoever, only maybe friends at school and my therapist. I just need help.