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Just need advice?

Hi so I know this is in the “Hopeless I’m stuck” category but I’m new and have no idea how to make it in a category that’s just like “need advice/help.”

Anyways.

Ok so like very quickly: I used to play online PVP games and my parents hate it, especially my mom because she thinks that they’re going to like kill me. I wish she would understand that I know about online safety and that I don’t seek out older people to talk to since like I don’t know people’s ages if I don’t ask.

Anyways

I met this girl my age like a month older and she and I have become really good friends- we would stay from 9:30pm - 4am just talking and sharing stories and asking for advice or help. She has been struggling for a long time. I met her about a year and a half ago but before that she’s been so hurt. Her dad was abusive and left when she was 9, she has a terrible heart condition where the muscles around her heart don’t work, not her actual heart. I totally forget what it’s called and she also has seizures all the time and we’re only 17.

I made a fake gmail account so I could talk to her without my parents knowing. She lives far away from me (We both live in the USA only I live on the East and she lives in the middle of the country) Talking to her by email was the only connection I have to her.

She told me about a month or so ago that she was ready to give up on life. Whether by suicide or health issues she didn’t care. (She is suicidal and depressed and cuts but she’s been getting a little better, slowly but surely I’m hoping) She was back in the hospital because a fucked surgery messed up her heart a little more and she couldn’t breathe so they had to do another emergency surgery and the doctors told her she has an 85% chance of dying next time she has a seizure.

2 weeks ago she stopped talking to me, stopped responding to my emails. I tried texting her (which is dangerous for me because my parents monitor me very closely) anyways I tried, I’ve texted her, emailed her, had another online friend of ours text her and she just hasn’t responded. I’m so scared she’s dead. So fucking terrified because she has been my closest friend I think I ever had. And I honestly am still trying to hold onto the fact she might be alive since I haven’t heard she died.

She told me she’d ask her mom to call or email me but if she had a seizure and then died she can’t be like “Mom tell my friend” or whatever. And it’s so surreal, I’m like 70% sure she died and 30% hoping she hasn’t and I’m not crying. I haven’t cried yet most likely because I haven’t accepted truly that she’s dead.

With each passing day though I’m slowly (very slowly) accepting/believing she won’t answer ever again. That she’s dead and gone and she wanted to call me before she thought she would die or something and I didn’t. I texted her asking what a good time would be for her to call and she never responded and I can’t help but think this is where our journey ends together…?

I believe in an afterlife I just, we had made so many plans on what to do when we got older, what we would do when we finally met. She was (is) my best friend and I can’t lose her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to my mom or dad or sister or whoever, only maybe friends at school and my therapist. I just need help.

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Oh my gosh. Friend, I can only imagine the fear, anxiety and worry that must be rushing through you right now. The situation sounds very complicated and challenging with all of the limited interaction.

Do you think that it may be possible that she got some help for her mental health struggles? Seems like she is battling a lot with depression and suicide ideation. Do you think it’s possible that maybe she went to the hospital to get some care? Or maybe for other health reasons and just isn’t able to respond just yet?

I know how scary it must be to be left wondering what in the world is going on. I hope and pray that your friend is able to connect with you and there is good reason as to why things have been so quiet.

My heart breaks for you and the emotions that you must be facing because I know that the unknown is a scary place. Not having closure or any idea. It’s a hard place to be in.

Friend, if you need to ever talk about this more and just connect, it’s totally understandable if you do. Just know that we are here.

Stay strong my friend. I know this cannot be easy.

  • Kitty

Hey friend, I’m sorry this is happening. I’m here for you and I’ve been in similar situations myself, the pain and confusion is frustrating. Do you know her first and last name? Try finding her on social media, or see if any of your mutual friends have her social media.

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I was thinking of trying to contact her school idk though. I know some of her friends that go to her school but only their first names and not their last. I know she doesn’t have Instagram but she does have Snapchat and I asked a friend to snap her and they said she hasn’t responded (I would but my mom won’t let me get social media)

@KittyKoyangi I do hope she has gotten more help for her mental health although from what she’s told me and voiced about it, she is not fond of therapy or adults helping, says they don’t really help or aren’t trying to. I have tried looking her up but it’s unfortunate her first name is the same as a famous person. Thank you guys for responding :blush:

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Yea that’s really tough my friend. I hope that you hear from her soon. Sounds like you have been a very good friend to her, though. You’ve been there for her and you worry for her. That means something. It really does. <3

Hi @rachel5,

I am so sorry this is happening… not having any news and being in that situation of having to guess if she’s okay or not. My heart goes to you, friend.

I really hope that you’ll have some news soon, from her or at least from her family, as she mentioned her mother. You are right saying that if something happens her mom won’t necessarily know she’d have to contact you. But also everything can happen in that kind of situation. I’ve been on the other side of it. Two years ago, my brother passed away and I knew he was part of online communities and had online friendships that mattered to him. But I didn’t know anything about those people, not their names, nothing. So after some time I decided to use his computer and I opened his messages, not to read it of course, but to see if someone was trying to have some news of him. There was essentially a woman who sent several messages asking if he was okay, so I replied to her and let her know who I was, asked for her phone number to call her. It was awful to let her know, it broke my heart. But after that, as we realized we were living in the same country, we decided to see each other. We discussed for an afternoon, of course it was mostly about him, how he was… it was weird but also very emotional, as this woman said he was like a little brother to her.

I am aware that sharing this story isn’t really helpful… but I guess I just wanted to let you know that sometimes unexpected things happen. And if that woman didn’t send any message to my brother, I couldn’t have known if she was someone important in his life.

I guess you already sent messages to your friend, to get some news of her. If you’re willing to, I’d say don’t hesitate to address one to their parents, just in case. It’s not a lot, it may not be read or seen either, but it doesn’t cost anything to try. Also contacting her school is a good idea. It’s a good start, if that’s something you want to do. But I can only encourage you to talk about it to your friends, as you mentioned them, so they could be here to support you during this. There’s a lot of uncertainties in this situation and it can be difficult to handle all of it by yourself. I’m glad you shared about it here. To know that you have at least a place to talk about it. And yes, your therapist is also someone you can talk with, I agree wholeheartedly.

Know that you’re not alone right now. If you ever want to talk, vent, don’t hesitate to do so.

Hold fast. :heart:

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Hey guys thank you all so much for the support. It seems she has gotten back to my other friend who texted her but it was so… un-her like. instead of happy or excited or worried that we were worried she just said: Yeah.

And she hadn’t responded since. I don’t know what’s going on with her…

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Well, I’m glad that you at least heard from her. Even if it was through someone else. Sounds like she has stuff going on. Maybe right now is just a bad time for her. But you know she’s okay. So yay (:

Hi Koyangi I have no idea what to think. She has said a total of 3 different phrases to me (No, I don’t know, and I’m not) and I have no idea what to do. She’s so unemotional and numb and it hurts because she was so expressive before. She doesn’t even remember basic things about our friendship…?

I know asking her a bunch of questions probably wasn’t the best idea but I’m confused and worried and honestly questioning whether it really is her or not.

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Yea, that’s really hard friend. I don’t know if asking those kinds of things is helpful or not either. It sounds like she’s just really detached and having a hard time. Maybe for her right now “I don’t know” means she doesn’t know how to be present right now. Maybe it’s really hard to be social and expressive. I can’t know as I’m not her. But I know that when I have been in my darkest moments, it has not always been very easy to talk to people. I just felt so lost, so numb and so beside myself I really don’t know how to be anything. Maybe right now she’s kinda in that same place and just needs time to heal and focus on herself. Maybe right now she just needs patience.

It’s so hard to say. Because I don’t know her or her situation. Maybe instead of asking her so many questions like that, you could just instead say something like, “Hey, I care for you. I know you are having a hard time and maybe right now you don’t know how to talk, but I’m here when you’re ready

This can go such a long way. And if you want to check on her after a few days to a week. You can message her again and just be like “Hey, I’m thinking of you, hope you’re doing okay. Im here.

That way you are still extending out to her. You’re offering her support. And this may be a little easier to receive than so many questions. <3

That’s just how I would handle it if it were me. Allowing them the space they need but also letting them know I was there when they are ready. (:

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Thank you for that. I haven’t been able to talk to her since then but I will do as you said and just try to be there for her. :blush:

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You’re a good friend for caring and for trying <3

Recently I’ve been wondering about our friendship, if it was really healthy or not. I know that she is a good person but some of the things she does or did have to me, been questionable. For example: I know she’s depressed and I don’t always know what to do for her except be there and listen to her. One night when she was in a depressed mood I decided to start writing a “book” she and I had been talking about. Well later when I introduced her to one of my other friends (who was in the book, I kinda lost all the google docs to it…) she wanted me to share it with him. I didn’t want to because I had used to like him and it was just weird but she was like “if you don’t share it with him I’m going to cut myself” and so obviously I shared it with him and she was suddenly all like happy again. Another time was when two of my friends who I had met on the same game as her came back into my life and she became extremely and I mean really jealous of them. She stopped talking to me because she thought I was replacing her and then she’d be really passive aggressive over and over and it took like 2 weeks for her to finally understand and accept that they were my friends too.

In the game she would be kinda immature and pick fights with everyone and then wonder why no one really wanted to be good friends with her and whenever someone pointed out why (and many did nicely) she would get pissed off and try leave conversations and group chats. Then she would try to get alts (alternate accounts that were much higher in level than she was honestly because she wasn’t playing the game for the game rather the connection to other people) and then she would get into fights on other peoples (friends) alternate accounts. And then I would or someone else would try to explain to her why they took their alt back and she’d throw a fit. I’m not trying to like bad mouth her but I would try not to say these things to her because then we would get into arguments and whenever we did argue, I would always (literally always) be the first to apologize.

I wanna chalk it up to immaturity and past issues but there have been other instances where she would threaten to hurt herself (not many but a few) and I wouldn’t know what to do.

I don’t want to think of our friendship as toxic or unhealthy because overall I love our relationship and her (as a friend and sister) but some of the things she had done just bothered me. Any thoughts?

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Honestly, using self harm to manipulate you to do something is not okay. So if you want to keep being friends with her, I would just continue to set some healthy boundaries for yourself and then stick with them. Let her know that if she is going to make manipulative threats, that you are not going to talk to her when she gets like that. That is very unfair to you. You could give her links to the self hard text line where she can reach out to. https://www.crisistextline.org/selfharm It is not healthy to you for someone to use self harm as a tool to control you. So don’t be afraid to let her know when things are more calm, that moving forward that is not acceptable. It’s one thing to sincerely need help, another to use it to control people to do what you want.

I have had friends that would get jealous if I spent time with other people and I had to love them from a distance. You are allowed to have more than one friend and you are allowed to hang with other friends without her, without feeling guilty. I know it may be hard to feel that way when you are close to someone and spend so much time with them. But again with healthy boundaries. And letting them know, hey, sometimes I would like to be able to also spend time with my other friends and not feel guilty about it. It is okay to have space once in a while. And it is okay to want to do your own thing. She needs to understand that you both have that right and both should be able to without guilting the other <3

In times where I have had people act like that in a mutual place of other friends, I have just expressed that I will not involve with drama and negative/toxic behavior. And while, yes, they are welcome to join us, if they are going to be mean, toxic or unreasonable, then we won’t be able to play with them. That’s no fun for anyone. And if she decides to get upset, well, you can let her know when she’s ready to play nicely with everyone she can rejoin. Boundaries are healthy. It is okay to love people from a distance and it is okay to distance from them in the moments they refuse to cooperate. And talk to them when they are more civil.

All in all its up to you if the relationship is worth keeping. But, remember things will keep going in circles till you set those boundaries and keep them in place. <3

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