Just need somewhere to put all this, but suggestions are more than welcome

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So. I’m posting back here again, and it’s been a pretty long while since my last post. It seems like what tends to happen is A. I get frustrated enough with my current situation to try and make changes B. The changes cause emotional turmoil and instability, I get increasingly depressed and irritable C. I fall back into my old habits and go emotionally dormant for a while, only to repeat a few months later.

The crux of my issue is that I don’t feel like I live a life worth living. I work so much at a job I don’t find fulfilling at all, which that alone is enough to make someone depressed. I’m more emotionally sensitive than the average person, more than I’d like to be, so any little thing can send me into a spiral that essentially writes off that day as a “bad day,” and potentially bleeds into the next day.

To cope with that (plus the years of unresolved trauma, but I’ll get there) I smoke. Weed, and a lot of it. At first I’d tell people I started at 17-18, but I got a few Snapchat memories from when I was 16 years old smoking with my friends. I’m 23 now and I call my smoking an ounce in two weeks an “improvement.” It used to be really bad, spending way more money than I should on concentrates and shit. I’m back to just using flower now, but that’s not really much better. I absolutely depend on it for stability, and even then, it really doesn’t do that anymore. If anything, I’m less emotionally regulated than a sober but depressed person.

It’s just a big bandaid on an even bigger bleeding flesh wound. What I really need is a shit load of therapy and maybe even a change in medication. It isn’t normal for a 23 year old guy with a whole future ahead of him to be thinking “Man, I wanna fucking blow my brains out” every 15 minutes.

I need to quit smoking, or at the very least dial it back (there’s the ol’ “addict justifying keeping their addiction around” thing).

I need to find a new job that, while it may not be a dream, one that doesn’t drain the very life out of me.

I need to start really WORKING toward a career, but my goofy ass just had to pick guitar playing as the hill he’s gonna die on. Nothing means anything to me like guitar and music do, nothing feels as natural.

I just feel so…weak…so disempowered. Like I hardly even have the willpower to live, much less to grind out a career in something as niche as heavy metal guitar playing, when I haven’t even begun.

I just feel like I’m fighting a war on so many fronts…I’m exhausted, I’m so fucked up in the head, so many knots to untie and sort though…

Where do you even start with something like this…? The weed…? The suicidality…? I have no idea what to do…

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If you trying smoke less, I hear using sour mint or gum can help out. People that quitting cigarettes use that method. Here are some DBT skill you can look up.

ACCEPT skills
PLEASE skills
IMPROVE skills

Side note you don’t have use all these skill at once, choose which ones that works.

I can also relate, because im metal head that cleans toilets for a living and is trap at my parents house in my 30’s. Stay metal and don’t give up

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Welcome back! Glad you’re here to share you thoughts and what’s been going on.
I know some people here including myself may relate to that cycle of feeling lost and hurt and the need to find something to cope. We all cope in different way and I know you’re not alone in finding something that keeps you afloat and acknowledging it hasn’t possibly been the healthiest way.

I really want to commend you for taking the time to acknowledge that you want to start to turn that around for yourself. You deserve that so much. I know it’s not always the most easy thing to do. Every day can feel so different, and some days feel like a defeat all over again.
While it can be important to acknowledge set backs, it’s more important to not allow them to engage and misdirect our focus.

You mentioned that perhaps talking to a professional would be beneficial, is that something you’d like to work towards? Sometimes that outward guidance is so helpful in looking past our internal thoughts.

You don’t deserve to feel like every day, every minute is a battle to get through and that it all leads to passionless monotony.
We all have to be able to find balance in enjoying life and the things we love. I understand that some days it makes it harder to find time to enjoy those moments, but hopefully you can avoid losing them all together.

X

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From: twixremix

hi conner,

so happy to hear from you again, my friend. thank you for posting this update and knowing that this community will always have your back. the cycle you’re in is such a tough battle to endure, i’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. with the crux of your issue, i understand you completely. i struggled with having bad days bleed into the next. my school counselor gave me the advice to make a conscious decision every morning to use a night’s sleep as a “reset button” and seize a new day ahead. i know it’s easier said than done but after a few years, it became habit.

with the second part of your post, you’ve outlined the steps you need to take to get to a future you want. and you’ve identified the steps you need to take (therapy & speaking to your GP on meds) to get to that point. there are people trained to help you, support you, and encourage you. they will give you the tools and thinking methods you need to find that strength again and to simmer life down so it seems less like a war-zone and more like a peaceful garden. until then, please know you can always lean on this forum to vent any frustrations and emotions you need to get out there. we’re here to listen, love unconditionally, and encourage. what you’re feeling is not forever. i believe in you to make it through. you got this.

love,
twix

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Thank you for sharing this with us. This is so much and I imagine this gets quite overwhelming and exhausting. It’s so hard to get off of these addictive substances, though I’m proud of you for sharing and for trying to improve yourself. Just try to take things one step at a time to minimize the overwhelm, and go easy on yourself. Things will be okay.

Thank you again for sharing and for being here. You’re loved and valued, and I hope you continue sharing if anything is on your mind.

<3 Tuna

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Hey Connerm,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. Coming here to share your experience takes bravery, and I think it shows your desire and want to find the changes you are talking about. I hope you can find support and success in your healing journey, and move in the direction you want things to move. You mentioned a maybe talking to a therapist. I think that could be a great idea and step forward! Start pulling each knot apart, thread by thread, and progress will unfold. We’re here to support ya along the way, friend.

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From: Mamadien

Conner, it’s good to hear from you again. It sounds like you are trying to cope with a really ugly job and that can be so very difficult. It’s good to know that you realize that the weed isn’t good for you and really isn’t helping you cope in the long run. Stopping is hard, but you can do it. The trick often is to not just drop one habit but to at the same time create another, healthier habit. If you can pick something else to do when the need to smoke hits, if you can change your routine so that triggers don’t show up as often - it might help you decrease and then quit smoking. Just conquering that mountain can be a big change for you. Please let us know how you are doing. We’re here to support you as you walk the path to getting healthy and reclaiming yourself.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, welcome back. Thank you for posting! After I realized that weed wasn’t actually helping me, it took me a long time to actually stop. After I stopped and got a little bit of distance from it, I started to realize that I still felt the same mentally and that weed actually didn’t help me at all. It just gave me shame and drained my money. It made me act like an addict and that’s it. Now, I don’t have that foggy feeling and I’m in therapy working on myself. Learning how to regulate my emotions in a healthy way instead. I think I just finally decided that I had enough. It sounds like you are aware that it’s not helping you as well, so I hope that you say “enough” too. You matter! ~Mystrose

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