So. I’m posting back here again, and it’s been a pretty long while since my last post. It seems like what tends to happen is A. I get frustrated enough with my current situation to try and make changes B. The changes cause emotional turmoil and instability, I get increasingly depressed and irritable C. I fall back into my old habits and go emotionally dormant for a while, only to repeat a few months later.
The crux of my issue is that I don’t feel like I live a life worth living. I work so much at a job I don’t find fulfilling at all, which that alone is enough to make someone depressed. I’m more emotionally sensitive than the average person, more than I’d like to be, so any little thing can send me into a spiral that essentially writes off that day as a “bad day,” and potentially bleeds into the next day.
To cope with that (plus the years of unresolved trauma, but I’ll get there) I smoke. Weed, and a lot of it. At first I’d tell people I started at 17-18, but I got a few Snapchat memories from when I was 16 years old smoking with my friends. I’m 23 now and I call my smoking an ounce in two weeks an “improvement.” It used to be really bad, spending way more money than I should on concentrates and shit. I’m back to just using flower now, but that’s not really much better. I absolutely depend on it for stability, and even then, it really doesn’t do that anymore. If anything, I’m less emotionally regulated than a sober but depressed person.
It’s just a big bandaid on an even bigger bleeding flesh wound. What I really need is a shit load of therapy and maybe even a change in medication. It isn’t normal for a 23 year old guy with a whole future ahead of him to be thinking “Man, I wanna fucking blow my brains out” every 15 minutes.
I need to quit smoking, or at the very least dial it back (there’s the ol’ “addict justifying keeping their addiction around” thing).
I need to find a new job that, while it may not be a dream, one that doesn’t drain the very life out of me.
I need to start really WORKING toward a career, but my goofy ass just had to pick guitar playing as the hill he’s gonna die on. Nothing means anything to me like guitar and music do, nothing feels as natural.
I just feel so…weak…so disempowered. Like I hardly even have the willpower to live, much less to grind out a career in something as niche as heavy metal guitar playing, when I haven’t even begun.
I just feel like I’m fighting a war on so many fronts…I’m exhausted, I’m so fucked up in the head, so many knots to untie and sort though…
Where do you even start with something like this…? The weed…? The suicidality…? I have no idea what to do…