Just need to air this out somewhere; not looking for help

So I recently decided, with help from my therapist that I need to get some more intensive help because I feel so fucking shitty every day and I know there is more to life than feeling like this.

This process involved getting rediagnosed which I have already been once as an adult and twice as a child. I had a hard time coming to terms with my ADHD as a child and it took a lot of work. I still work hard to cope with it and it’s not always successful and I try as hard as I can.
I just got told yesterday I have a personality disorder and this is really messing with me. Trust me, no judgement against people who have these, I just can’t handle having one because of the things I have told myself for years (and because I had one bad friend who really messed me up and she had one).

I don’t want this fucking diagnosis and I do want help but not help for this shit. I’d rather say I have adhd, depression and anxiety instead of this shit. I just can’t deal. It sucks. I feel like shit and I don’t know what to do or who to talk to because I know that no one will understand.

I don’t need or want encouragement, to get told that hey it’s not that bad and help will be good and all that crap. I don’t share here for attention or because I want comments I just want this fucking disorder to go away again because I don’t have it.

I just came to vent, no replies encouraged.

Venting is good. I hope it helped. Don’t compare yourself to others, that is toxic thinking. Hope you are feeling better :heart:

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Well, if you don’t want a disorder, I’ll share from my soap box here, and maybe something will stick, because I’m against disorders for most people…

I think most disorders are misdiagnosed for people who are wounded.

A wound is something that happens to us when we are younger. Some kind of pain that imprints a deep message in our souls – it fucks our identity and robs our self-worth.

In that moment, we also make a vow – we promise to do or not do something to never experience that pain again, and we hope that by fulfilling this vow, we can earn our worth back.

For the rest of our lives, we try to get back to that place of worthiness, to heal or prevent or earn or regain that sense of identity.

Here’s the way it played out in my life:

When I was younger, my dad told me, “You’ll never be the best…(so keep improving)”, but to me that moment said, “I’ll never be enough to make my dad proud.” and I believed that I was unworthy of being loved.

I made a vow in that moment to prove my dad wrong.

The rest of my life I’ve been trying to be “the best” at something because I believe that it’ll restore me to a place of worthiness.

This plays out in a lot of ways:

  1. I abhor criticism and failure because it feels like reminders of my worthlessness
  2. I feel the need to win, and I compare myself to everyone else about everything else because I’m constantly looking for SOMETHING I can claim I’m the best at so I can prove my worth…but what usually happens is I find the person who is the best at whatever I’m comparing to, and I feel like shit afterwards because I’m not that and never will be
  3. when I was growing up, any time my dad made suggestions for me to improve, it felt like reminders of him telling me I’m not good enough, and it was a long list of small cuts that formed a deep wound in me
  4. I learned along the way that if I want to NOT feel like a complete failure, I needed to hide…so I found video games and porn as escape mechanisms, and I got addicted to both.
  5. any time something bad happens in my life, I blame myself, because I didn’t do good enough, I could have done better, and because I didn’t, I am a failure…worthless…etc

You can point at almost any circumstance in my life and trace it back to this “CORE WOUND”.

And in dozens of people that I’ve had deep relationships with at HeartSupport, we’re able to uncover that core wound and trace things back in their life to that same source of pain, and that same quest for worthiness and love.

The reason is because this world isn’t “see and then believe”…it’s “believe and then see”…our brains are built to filter information – because there’s SO MUCH to take in – and so it’s brilliant at sifting for what’s most relevant to us. And when we believe something is true, we look for things that prove it’s true. If our wound imprints and writes the code in our mind that “We are worthless because of _____”, then our brain will “see” everything through that lens. It’s like putting a blue film/filter in front of a camera…you’re going to see everything in a blue hue because of the lens you’re looking through. That’s the way our beliefs work.

So if you feel fucking shitty every day, I’d put money on the fact that you were wounded when you were a kid (because literally everyone is), it imprinted a message of worthlessness in your heart, and your daily life reminds you of how worthless you feel.

You’re not fucked…at least, not any more fucked than every other human being is. I don’t think you have a disorder. I think you have a condition called: being fucking human. Your quest isn’t actually to “prove your worthiness” – it’s to “heal the wound”. So meds won’t help, it’ll just spiral you on a meaningless journey of trying to tune some kind of chemistry you don’t understand to provide an effect you can’t rely on and distract you from the source of your real problem: which is in your heart.

If this seems true or piques your curiosity, message back.