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Just need to clear my head

Hello again everyone.

This journal is more or less to get some stuff out of my brain and to kind of solidify what I rationally know is true and that my personality disorder tries to deny.

It’s getting to that time of year when my work load tends to pick up quite a bit, which is good. Days go by faster as I stay busy, etc.

A couple of days ago I got an order which has been pretty rocky so far. It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before, but just some things happened that made me frustrated because I felt like I was doing my best but I needed help and I couldn’t get it. I’ve put somewhere around 10 hrs of work into this so far and it’s like slamming my head against a wall. Im getting nowhere.

And so, the self sabotage that comes with my personality disorder came back strong the past couple of days - the thoughts that say I’m just not trying hard enough, I should have make SOME kind of progress after 10 hrs of work, why can’t I just do this myself… it goes on and on. Monday night I had trouble sleeping because I couldn’t solve the problem.

Yesterday I got really tired of those thoughts and I know it is not good for my mental health to think that way, and I also know that I am only one person and I’m not perfect and I can’t know everything all the time. My manager is always very adamant about doing what you can do in a day and then leaving work at work. For a long time I was doing better about this, and it’s probably the influx of more work, some of which is pretty complicated, that is bringing that inner voice back. No matter the cause, I wanted to get this out and tangible and remind myself I am human, I can only do so much in a given day, I have done what I can, I have reached out for help and I need to go easy on myself as stuff gets hard again.

So I guess this is me trying to be louder than my personality disorder.

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you are human,
you are worthy,
you are loved!

Thank you for posting, and for getting it out. Hope it helps a bit to talk about it here.

We see your efforts and know you’ve been trying hard! Hope the little voice gets a bit more quiet, and you can feel proud of your accomplishments!

this is one of the most awesome things I’ve read :slight_smile:

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Thank you so much. It helps to read this.

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always here to help remind you, friend :slight_smile:

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I’m right there with you right now. I feel you, and knowing how you feel about hugs, I’ll just send good vibes of understanding your way :slight_smile:

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Thanks, friend. :]

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