Lately I’ve been trying to distance myself from a lot of things, one being the HS community. I’ve had to come to accept that over the years I’ve had somewhat of an addiction to the internet for one, and this community.
You may think that’s just silly- but it’s done a lot of harm to myself and my relationships than I’d like to explain. It’s not all on me- HS has been with me when certain people in my life have not been able to. When my dad was sick and my grandma was dying and my mom had to take care of it all- HS was here for me. And for that I appreciate so much. But now that those times have passed I need to get better away from the internet- trust me I’m not going to stay away 100%- I just need to make a boundary, and part of that is not being in the Discord because I know for me even if I have notifications off I’m still going to go and look through and obsess.
Another thing recently is I’ve been struggling with kind of flashbacks. I don’t know how else to explain it. Loud noises are really having a negative affect on me again- and it’s not like it’s just my mom putting dishes away- it’s like everything. It’s like the walls of my house are so thin that I hear everything and I panic over everything. I assume every noise is made out of rage or annoyance. It’s really starting to scare me and it’s really getting old. Whenever there’s a loud enough noise I get lost in thoughts of what the past has been- when my dad was sick and my mom was dealing with anxiety and my grandma dying. It all just comes back and all I do is sit there and think about it.
I also have been talking to a guy and we are kind of dating. But I’m scared that he’s going to leave me. The people I have talked to in the past have pulled the “I’m too bad of a person” card and butted out leaving me alone when I thought things were going fine. I’m not letting my happiness rely on other people or things but it’s just been a theme to have friends and people I’ve been attracted to fade in and out. I really like this person and he seems to really like me; he says he won’t leave but a part of me is just scared that he will. I just don’t want to go through the pain again.
I have it in my head that yes maybe we won’t last forever, but can we please just last for right now. Can this please just be a good season. Can someone please just love me as more than a friend for once in my life. Can I please feel the love and actually feel good about something. Just for a season.
Thanks for reading. Hold fast.