Back to heartsupport

Just numb inside and out

All my thoughts about being a useless human that college, finding a job will never happen. End up living at home till my family sick of me and throw me out…but they won’t the guilt from it is too much…All those evil and dark thoughts came at once and thinking about them caused me to end up having a break down…

I couldn’t take it anymore what’s the point in living when everything is going to fail I thought…so I found a pair of scissors and tried to cut deep enough a few times…but the blades were too dull it only left temporary markings…couldn’t slice my wrist maybe the thighs would work but nope…so I googled why scissors wouldn’t work…found the cause it was the blades…Google said an alterntive is a sharp kitchen knife

But I felt too scared to even leave my bedroom to try that…thoughts of “what if it does not work” kept circling my head and then I tried telling myself “if it does work…the day before christmas your family will wake up and find your dead body” and guilt of ruin the holidays for everyone in my life forever was too much so I put my scissors away

I kept crying and breaking down but it was causing me exhaustion so I tried to sleep but when I closed my eyes my mind kept telling me how much of a useless human I am…I couldn’t even go through with suicide even though the people in my life that I wanted to live for don’t care for me…not a very easy sleep that night

But when I woke up this morning my emotions are numb, crying and sudden break downs…I don’t wanna leave my bed it feels impossible to do…leaving my bedroom does not even feel like an option if I can’t get out of bed…

I shut down speaking verbally it’s just gibberish or whine noises when I try to talk…

Tommrow is Christmas and extra family is coming over to celebrate but I don’t think I will feel better…my mom she is going to make me feel awful

every year she fills my stocking up with razors, makeup and a few google play cards…when I tell her “oh, uhh why did you buy me this?” Considering I have enough razors and don’t use both makeup and play google games…she then tells me “well, sometimes you need to make yourself pretty”…“but, I don’t need this stuff” then she gets pissy at me and says she will use all of it…I ask her just to return it which pisses her off more and then my dad pissed we are fighting and…Another Christmas is ruined

I could try and just say thanks for the gifts and open rest of the presents and then pick everything up and go back to my room…sounds easy but I don’t feel like I have the energy for either fighting or peace…I don’t even know if looking at razors won’t cause me to get triggered and break one apart…slice at my wrist

But I don’t wanna hurt myself right now…just wanna lay on my bed and stare at the window or tv

6 Likes

are you safe right now?
Do you think you’ll be okay later today?

I’m so sorry that things are all hitting you at once, and that you feel so alone and trapped at home!

Do you have anyone you can call? Or anything you can do to occupy yourself?

Wanna hear some truths:

  • our brains lie to us when we’re depressed for a long period of time. The chemicals get all wonky and they literally make the wrong concoction, and it makes it harder to fix it without work, sometimes meds, sometimes therapy.

  • you’re not alone, we’re here for you. We care about you.

  • i, personally, am grateful and relieved that you didn’t hurt yourself. Your life can get better, things can feel more manageable in time, with the right steps.

  • how you feel is so vast and strong, that it feels like this is the only reality that you can have. But it is not. Thing can change, things DO change. Keep strong, keep reaching out.

  • there is no shame or guilt necessary for not having the life plan in order. There’s no need to compare yourself with anyone. Keep trying, but it’s also okay if you need to take some days just to remove yourself from the stress and focus on feeling better, eating properly, and remember all the things you like doing, that make you happy.

I’m sorry gift giving is stressful. Hold on, the festivities will soon pass!

1 Like

Hi @Moon, I think almost everyone has these anxieties about school and work… take it from me…I was a below average student… in campus I failed 5 modules, it was an absolutely difficult experience for me but I pulled through… with work it took me 4 months to find my first job and it was a crappy one too… what I’m saying is that you are more than capable to study and find work…you aren’t a failure and you should not give up. If I can do it you can! Please don’t hurt yourself, stay alive and try to find something you enjoy. Find yourself and thrive. Don’t give up friend. I believe in you. As for your mum, I really don’t understand why she buys you stuff you don’t like…but don’t worry about her just focus on yourself and your growth.

1 Like

I stopped crying and the thoughts stopped so i think i’m okay. My head hurts from crying and I feel tired nobody to call I can scroll through twitter and watch Youtube. My brain is very mean.

But it feels impossible that things can get better one of my family members who canceled there visit just moved to where I live and he already has a job and a paycheck but I’m almost 22 and the only job I had was a questionable internship. Even my neighbor kid who younger then me already found work and gets a paycheck.

I wish my body would sleep for 12 hours tommrow ;-; just lemme skip the holidays by accidently over sleeping

2 Likes

your journey is yours, we never know what another person’s journey looks like to them, what it feels like.

Your time will come, if you’re hopeful for the future, it’ll have a ripple effect on your other thoughts. I know it feel hopeless now, but keep applying, find things you’re interested in or good at, and see where it takes you.

I believe in you and your potential. Earning a paycheck is great, but it’s not the best way to judge your worth. I’m really really glad that you’re doing a teensy bit better today. Hold strong, the new year will be here soon!

1 Like

Hi…studying feels like a never ending nightmare these days and cause I’m near graduation all I ever hear from staff is “so, what will you be doing/picked a college yet” which just adds to my thoughts…I did have something I used to enjoy making photo edits but too much school work and lack of time has made it miserable…I get 2 weeks of school off due to holidays but it feels like I’m just wasting it by laying in bed

Cause my mom wants me to be “pretty” and forcing me to do ‘women things’ during the holidays a time where fighting of any kind is not allowed or else your labeled as the person who ruined Christmas for everyone…is the best way to force me into doing anything

2 Likes

That is selfish of her honestly… simply expressing yourself should be accepted… if she can’t handle the confrontation why is she forcing these things upon you. You have your own likes and so what if you don’t enjoy girly things… everyone should be accepted as they are… to be honest she seems very misunderstood and traditional and that’s her own problem and something she needs to work on. I’m so sorry you’re going through this friend… as for campus it is super demanding but don’t ever give up…good things are worth waiting for and soon you will get a great job that you enjoy…carry on applying and working towards your goals it will seem tedious and it might seem like it’s never going to happen…but I promise you, you will be successful. I believe in you.

Hey @Moon,

I just wanted to send a simple reminder of love your way today.

Your life matters. It is okay to rest as much as needed, especially while going through a time made of so many deep and intense emotions.

I see you. I care about you. :hrtlegolove: