Just need to get something off my chest. Been carrying this around for quite some time. It’s about past trauma. To quote Gabor Maté, “trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside of you”.
The events happened a bit more than three years ago. Everything fell apart. My entire world burnt down. It didn’t exist anymore. I deleted all channels that were a way to contact me, moved to a different country hundreds of miles away. I knew the very moment when things happened that I’d never see anyone ever again.
For almost three years I was in a state of shock, grief, numbness, immersed in depression and suicidal ideation. My only way to cope was getting completely lost in my addiction (it’s been there before though). After having moved I had two jobs where I was helping out, then tried to survive two more career-oriented jobs. For the second one, I moved again hundreds of miles away, to yet another country. At the end of last year, I hit a point where my ability to function was lost entirely. I didn’t get any work done anymore. It had been a fight every single day. I was working from home. When I sat down and tried to start working, I couldn’t. The only thing that came up were loads of tears. After quitting the job, I completely fell apart. I’ve been in terrible pain since. I’ve been crying for hours, every single day, for weeks. And still am. Not a single day goes by where I don’t have a mental breakdown. It is so exhausting. It is so draining to live in such a state. To live with that amount of emotional pain. And I don’t know how long that’ll go on.
When I go outside, I check license plates, scan for people who might look familiar. Just in case. Should not be realistic, but who knows what kind of information authorities are allowed to pass on. That’s how scared I am.
I am socially isolated. I can’t remember the last time when I talked to someone. I’m suffering from the loneliness, but I guess it’s due to the internal biochemistry that punishes lacking social contacts. My need to protect myself and to make sure I’m safe as much as possible is tremendous. I don’t have any desire to open anyone a door into my life.
Well, life lesson learnt. Stay away from people. I don’t know why but apparently I’m supposed to be on my own. Growing up, my family taught me how defective I am, how terrible it is having me around. I’ve been rejected over and over again. I wasn’t supposed to be born and should’ve been aborted. It would’ve been nice if that had happened. As someone else posted on the wall recently, I don’t see a point in all the suffering either.