Just putting down some thoughts

[blini]

Just need to get something off my chest. Been carrying this around for quite some time. It’s about past trauma. To quote Gabor Maté, “trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside of you”.

The events happened a bit more than three years ago. Everything fell apart. My entire world burnt down. It didn’t exist anymore. I deleted all channels that were a way to contact me, moved to a different country hundreds of miles away. I knew the very moment when things happened that I’d never see anyone ever again.
For almost three years I was in a state of shock, grief, numbness, immersed in depression and suicidal ideation. My only way to cope was getting completely lost in my addiction (it’s been there before though). After having moved I had two jobs where I was helping out, then tried to survive two more career-oriented jobs. For the second one, I moved again hundreds of miles away, to yet another country. At the end of last year, I hit a point where my ability to function was lost entirely. I didn’t get any work done anymore. It had been a fight every single day. I was working from home. When I sat down and tried to start working, I couldn’t. The only thing that came up were loads of tears. After quitting the job, I completely fell apart. I’ve been in terrible pain since. I’ve been crying for hours, every single day, for weeks. And still am. Not a single day goes by where I don’t have a mental breakdown. It is so exhausting. It is so draining to live in such a state. To live with that amount of emotional pain. And I don’t know how long that’ll go on.

When I go outside, I check license plates, scan for people who might look familiar. Just in case. Should not be realistic, but who knows what kind of information authorities are allowed to pass on. That’s how scared I am.

I am socially isolated. I can’t remember the last time when I talked to someone. I’m suffering from the loneliness, but I guess it’s due to the internal biochemistry that punishes lacking social contacts. My need to protect myself and to make sure I’m safe as much as possible is tremendous. I don’t have any desire to open anyone a door into my life.

Well, life lesson learnt. Stay away from people. I don’t know why but apparently I’m supposed to be on my own. Growing up, my family taught me how defective I am, how terrible it is having me around. I’ve been rejected over and over again. I wasn’t supposed to be born and should’ve been aborted. It would’ve been nice if that had happened. As someone else posted on the wall recently, I don’t see a point in all the suffering either.

[DiscordReply]

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @blini I’m so sorry you are so troubled by what sounds like a very horrible time in your life. To move hundreds of miles to get away from it is pretty extreme and there must be a lot of pain to make you want to do that. I hope you can find help, perhaps therapy or finding social groups online. I really hope you can find peace. I hate to see you suffering. ~Mystrose

[DiscordReply]

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, blini! It sounds like life has been really hard for you lately and I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. I really don’t know what to say or really express to you except big internet hugs.
hug hug hug hug giant, crushing hug

I’m sorry you feel like you cannot trust anyone and need to stay away from them but I can tell you are incredibly brave from what you’ve told us and I hope that someday you will find the courage to let some people try and prove they deserve your trust again.

You are not worthless. You are not defective. You deserve to be here. You matter. Keep fighting, friend, keep moving forward

[DiscordReply]

From: twixremix

hi blini! i admire your strength so much in posting this journal and how brave you were in your reflection on life through the past 3 years. from what you shared, this was and is not an easy path to walk. from all the moving, trauma responses like the addiction and suicidal ideation, and daily mental breakdowns, it’s understandable on how exhausted and defeated you’re feeling. while i don’t know the full story, i do know that the isolation you feel physically doesn’t have to carry over virtually, where you can open up as much as you need to here anonymously and know that there will always be people to support you and be your shoulder to lean on. i know it isn’t much in the grander picture of what you’re facing on the daily… all i know is that from you sharing your soul like this, it can be both cathartic to release these thoughts through typing and allows others going through similar experiences to feel less alone. i’m happy you’re here, blini, and that we can connect like this. sending you peace, love, and support, my friend. love, twix

[mishsim]

Hi there @blini

I can’t imagine how terrible it’s been for you, based on the story you’ve shared. I can respect that you are trying to protect yourself and took drastic action in the past. It had to be an enormous decision.

I think it is good that you’re connecting on here, where we can talk somewhat anonymously together and be a community still. I know for me personally this support wall has been in a way restoring my sense of humanity and community.

I know for a fact you deserve better than you have been treated and life can deal cruel cards out. But I know that despite trauma, addiction and everything connected to it, that you are still a person that deserves to be a part of society.

I hope that you can get help in person too, but until then, and after, we are here!

Take heart <3 Mish

[Micro]

I don’t have any desire to open anyone a door into my life.

And that is okay. Protecting yourself is okay. Needing to actually feel safety is okay. It’s been a feeling that I have ran after for most of my life. It has surely brought me into roads I didn’t want to take (but thought I wanted at the time). Though it has also brought me to this place right here, and the beginning of a healing that I never thought would be possible. One made of trust and connections. Healthy, safety, genuinely loving and safe connections. Because somehow the paradox is there: healing also happens through safe relationships as we learn to trust again and see that what is unpredictable - humans behaviors - doesn’t always happen for the worst. It can also produce the most beautiful interactions possible.

I hope with all my heart that, with time and by sticking around here, you will allow yourself to experience that too. To maybe learn to trust others enough to have the possibility to say that they are safe friends - my favorite saying ever.

I am grateful for you right now. For offering us here the possibility to know you even better. To know now thanks to your vulnerability a little bit more of your story. I know it’s hard step and understand the detours that are needed in order to test if the waters are safe first. The fear of some words too as they make everything even more real than reality itself. The burdens of trauma is a secret that doesn’t need nor deserve to be silenced. But it is surely something that requires time, patience and love to be unfolded in a safe way.

Though it is not fair that you have been subjected to other wrongdoings, terror and abuse. It is not fair that you’ve had to run away not just physically, but also from yourself, in order to survive. It is not fair to know what fear feels to that level, not just as a concept but at your core. I hurt with you. I feel a lot of my own person and story through your words, regardless of the circumstances. I wasn’t supposed to be born either.

But beyond all odds we are here today, @blini. Standing up. Opening up. Fighting, crying, shouting at this cruel world. But we are here. We are present. We are alive. That’s not a damn miracle. It is resilience at play.

For what it’s worth from me, I am proud of you. I cherish your trust. And I hope we are all going to honor your vulnerability here, for as long as you would accept for this community to be by your side through the good, the ugly, the bad - all of it, because there is no part of you and your story that we’d ever be ashamed of. Nothing that would change the love that is already there for you.

I promise you that you are not meant to be stuck in the memories and effects of what have shaped your life significantly. They didn’t break you. They don’t get to hold that power over you.