Just Random Word Ramblings Late At Night About BPD

[Aleister]

I fucking hate having Borderline Personality Disorder, it’s fucking horrible and just I want to die. I hate being so god damn broken and scared to freaking trust people. It honestly messes with your life so much relationships, money wise, body wise hell even health wise if you have other issues that can affect your mental health! Just i wish i was never born I fail at life, I fail at the HeartSupport Master Class, I fail at being a good partner and the list could go on.

I mean im 29, don’t have my license, don’t have a college degree, haven’t even started college yet cause im so scared about the debt that i will rack up. I just I wish i could die, the world would be so better off with out me. Sorry for posting again so soon , i just needed to get all of this out.

[legendofamaya]

@Aleister, thank you so much for posting. I am glad you can come here and get this off your chest, hopefully that helps a little. I’ve never experienced BPD and don’t have much knowledge of it but it sounds really rough. I hear you, friend, and know that I am here for you when you are going through a tough time. I know BPD is apart of your life and can really make aspects of your life harder then they need to be. I absolutely feel that myself, while I can’t relate with BPD, I can relate with having parts of my life that makes things that I would consider simple a lot harder. Mental illnesses I’ve developed because of trauma I’ve had to go through or chronic pain due to being born with a defective foot.

It is scary as hell that I now have these thing weighing me down and I have to work just a little bit harder than everyone else to get through my day. I hear you and it’s not fair, but from what I do know about you is that you are a strong, driven individual. When we got to talk a little over the support wall and things to do with mental health is that you are passionate about these things. While it feels difficult now, you are 29, you’ve come this far in life and you still have so much ahead of you. I agree from reading your post there is a good amount there to be nervous/scared about but I believe in you and that you can do it. You take it just one day at a time, one step at a time. Take it at a pace you are most comfortable with. So what if you don’t have a college degree yet? Your age does not mean you can’t go to college. If you are willing to learn and put in the work just like anybody else, then go to college. Go for your dreams and what you want in life. This is your year, this is the year of Aleister and I can’t wait to hear what you accomplish.

Stay strong and persevere because you are worth it. You matter and bring so much light to this world.

[nzkiwi442]

Hey friend,

I want you to know that you’re a wonderful person, and every conversation I’ve had with you had been pleasant, so when these thoughts happen, you can always count on the fact that I don’t think you’re a failure at anything

I also want to look into that a bit more, because I know people sometimes say that they “fail at life” or are failures themselves, and imo, that’s impossible.

The main definition of failure that people use in this context is "a state of inability to perform a normal function ", and that in itself should be a clue that shows that people can’t really be failures.

We can’t fail at life because there is no “normal life”. We can’t be a failure ourselves because there is no “normal” that is defined as success. Everyone walks down a different path in life, everyone has different struggles. It’s impossible to define “succeeding at life” just as it’s impossible to define “being a failure” because there is no singular path to life.

You don’t have a license, but you don’t need one. I have one but I never drive anywhere. A license does not prescribe any worth (or lack thereof) to your life. You don’t have a college degree because you’re (rightfully) afraid of the debt that can carry. You don’t need a college degree to be happy in life, it’s not the only route out there to stability. I would definitely recommend exploring other options and seeing what’s on offer. Maybe you’ll see one you didn’t think of before that actually fits you really well! A college degree does not prescribe any worth (or lack thereof) to your life.

There are many different paths that we take to life, I would argue that every single person takes a different path. Because there’s no pre-defined route, we can’t really fail at it can we?

You matter, and you’re important and valuable because you are YOU. You offer a perspective that nobody else can match. You’re a human being, and you’re alive, and that in itself prescribes to you a right to life and happiness.

It’s okay to struggle Aleister, it’s okay to go through difficult times. So long as we keep standing up, and trying out best, we’re doing it right. In my opinion, you can tell if you’re going in the right direction based on whether or not you’re making the “right” decisions whenever there’s a crossroads. So long as you are, you can’t help but improve.

As an example, maybe you want to get better at drawing. You have a goal in mind of how good you want to be, but knowing how to get there is near impossible. So long as 51% of the time you come to the crossroads of “Do I draw, or watch TV”, and you choose to draw, you are moving towards your goal.

You might find that you’re actually moving towards your goals every day, because you’re constantly making good decisions

Thanks for posting friend, we’re here for you!