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Just read the last bit

How do you know that you are trying enough?

How do you know that you cannot do it by yourself anymore?

How do you know when it is time to stop and get help?

How do you know it has been enough?

How do you know it is time to give up?

I think I need help, but I do not know how to.
I am struggling, a lot, but have been in self denial about it for too long. The thoughts of death and permanent solutions are back, and they terrify me.
The other day I almost attempted suicide again, after hurting myself for the first time in almost three years. And even though I think I deal with that now, I feel lost ad helpless in this.

I have no one close by who is willing to help me.
The closest person lives 1 hour away and she is super busy at the moment.

I said I won’t bother anyone anymore, so this might be my last post…

I want to say thank you for everyone who has supported me during my time here. You are all champions.

I am sorry.

Here is my takeaway:
You can win this battle that you are fighting, you are stronger than you think. There are so many people around you who love you, give them a chance to see you and love you the way you are supposed to be loved, unconditionally.
Love is not only the best days or the worst days, love is the tuesdays.
There is hope for you.
There is joy and love for you.
Better days are ahead, I promise.
Hold fast!

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Hey – the last bit is sweet, but you almost had me skip over the important part…

You are not a burden.

What makes you believe that about yourself?

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Hey @fiji,

We might not be close to you physically but we’re here for you. You are not alone.

Recently I’ve been struggling with the same questions that you asked. Hitted a very dark corner of my mind. So I don’t have the answers. But what I know is:

  • As long as we’ve got breath in our lungs, we can keep trying and going on. And there’s no reason to do that alone. You have friends here to remind you that you’re not a burden.

  • Isolating yourself isn’t a solution. It only makes things worse. You also know that. And we are willing to help here. You don’t bother anyone. So please keep fighting against this lie spiraling in your mind. Just like you did everytime you shared here about what’s going on in your life.

  • I sincerely care about you. If you want to take some time off HS then I’ll respect your choice. But please don’t do this as a way to hurt yourself. You only deserve to see that you’re loved and cared for. I want you to be safe. Always. You too are stronger than you think. And my DMs are always open to you.

Better days are ahead. It also applies to you.
Sending much love your way. :heart:

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It can be hard sometimes to see and recognize that we need help. But when these dark thoughts are clouding our minds, is a good sign of knowing that we need to reach out. Friend, you matter. And I care about you. I am sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I am glad that I read all of your message and not just the bottom half because you deserve to share your feelings and you should. If you are hurting its good to talk about it. Its the best way to heal and get better. You know?

Things can get better sweetheart. It just takes a little time and effort. I’m sorry that the people who can help you are so far away. I know I can’t be there and a lot of us are super far, but we are still here to offer you love and support.

I have felt helpless. I’ve been there. I have hurt greatly. Especially after losing my health insurance. But this community has been such a huge impact on my life. There is a lot of amazing people here, including yourself. Embracing the love of the people here, participating in the streams…that has made a huge change in my life, in my thought process and my over all mental health. I hope that even in just the slightest bit that this community can give that to you.

Im sending you so much love right now. Stay strong sweet friend.

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Hey my sweet friend. You are not a burden. You are a joy to know and to support. You try and you love ven when you aren’t feeling loved yourself. Even at the end of this post, in which your pain and heartache is so evident you take the time to make sure those who read this post are encouraged. THAT is who you are and that kind of love is desperately needed in this world. You are needed here and you have a purpose on this Earth. You were clean from harming for three years and that is amazing, this is not the end of that, it’s a chance to do it again. To recommit to loving yourself the way you love others.

I’m thankful for you. Your light shines brighter than you know.

T

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@fiji

I ask myself similar questions too. You are going through rough patches, and that’s normal. Don’t let it stop you from pressing on. You are created by God, you have a purpose, and you have so much to live for. You are not alone.

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Thanks @NateTriesAgain
I feel like I have nothing to give. And if I can’t give, why should I stay to keep taking?

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Giving =/= deserving

Otherwise, I wouldn’t deserve my wife’s love on some days. And I’d have to keep track of how much I’ve given to her to decide whether or not I deserve her love.

Love isn’t commerce. You don’t exchange energy for love. You receive love when it is given, and you give love when you choose. Love is infinite in stock; there is no shortage of love. When you receive love, you’re not taking it from someone else; you are receiving a portion from an abundant resource.

Love isn’t “deserved” or “undeserved”. It is simply given and received. True love is given freely without expectation, and does not have to be warranted or justified in order to receive. You must simply choose to receive it.

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Yeah… i guess
I appreciate that you took our time to respond

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What keeps you from believing that’s true?

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@NateTriesAgain
For the majority o my life, my „friends“ were only my friends as long as I did something for them (doing their homework, eating them copy during exams, lend them money, cook for them, etc.)
As soon as I stopped doing something, or was not there the second they wanted me to, I was out of their picture and replaced.
I always felt like I have to work for friendship or love, because with them, I had to.

I have a really hard time accepting things and gifts or love or help or anything from others. But at the same time, I always feel like I have to give and give and give in order to be accepted and valued.

When I stop doing thing for people, and keep reminding them of my existence, I am invisible and erased from memory.
I only exist for other people if I make myself seen by doing everything for everyone

And now, now that I am once again burnt out and on the bottom of this pit, I have nothing else to give and I have nothing to offer. Which means that every moment now, I will disappear and will be alone.

Apparently it works with me like little kids imagine things, I don’t see it = it is not there.

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Do you want to believe something different than what you’ve believed to this point?

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I guess.

I’ve been trying to, but it keeps repeating itself and I get proven right all the time, it just happens too often.

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If you’re open to it, I have a challenge for you.

Wounds created in relationship can only be healed in relationship. Meaning in order for this to be healed, you have to let people in.

Who’s one person you could invite into your pain?

And my recommendation would be to tell them specifically how you want them to help you. Like, “Hey man, I am feeling really depressed right now, and I could use a friend to talk on the phone for 30m and just let me vent. Would you be open for me to call you at 7p today?”

Post back the results of the message. Don’t worry if the first person rejects you, as we can work through any obstacles along the way.

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Haven’t gotten a chance to do it yet.
Everyone is pretty busy. And honestly, I am not sure if i can talk to people.

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“Everyone is pretty busy” is actually something I believe is a total lie of this culture. People look at my life and think I’m “busy”, but the truth is yesterday my family and I did nothing. We rested. And at night, I called a friend to invite him to work out, and asked how he was doing, and he said he wasn’t so good, and we ended up talking for thirty minutes. You might be surprised how “not busy” people are when you need them. But you have to give them the opportunity to prove your fear wrong. And if you don’t, you’ll stay stuck in fear, and fear is a crippling place to be.

If you take a leap, someone might not catch you, but right now you are being crushed. By jumping, you at least have the chance of things getting better.

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I honestly don’t know who to talk to.

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Who are the people that you find yourself “serving” or “giving to” the most?

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So…
Tonight, I called a friend.
I couldn’t really make myself talk about the things that I wanted to talk about, but we talked for an hour about random things and did this “100 random questions to get to know someone” thing and it was fun I guess.

I mentioned one thing I struggle with briefly, but when she asked if I want to talk about it, I just panicked and changed the topic.

It was tough for me to take the call because we talked about it during the day, but she didn’t have time until the evening. And right before she called me, I was really struggling and wanted to tell her that I can’t talk now.

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I think the 100 question thing is a really great idea. Even if you didn’t talk about everything that you wanted to. I LOVE doing that with people. It’s so much fun and helps you get to know on another in a really cool way. So it’s great that you still got to talk and do that for a while <3

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