Just so tired of fighting

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I’m tired and I want so badly to just give up.

Seriously, what is the point? I spend all day with emotions going up and down and not just happy or sad, I’m talking about legit wanting to die to being on top of the world happy. There is just so much fighting going on inside.

When I’m having positive emotions, I’m being told that I’m not worthy of them or the love I’m experiencing for myself in that moment is just fake. When I’m having negative emotions, the fight inside my head is just so overwhelming that I loose myself in it and spiral.

The whole time voices in my head, taunting me and telling me to just get it over with because it’s my destiny.

Is it my destiny?

I feel so guilty even asking that here, because I would do everything in my power to make all of you here believe that it isn’t yours and that you all are worthy of life. I’m just having a lot of trouble believing it for myself and to be honest, I’m not 100% sure I ever have.

The torture in my head and the pain in my body is so bad sometimes that I don’t see a happy ending.

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Dear @Mystrose,

Is it my destiny?

It is part of your journey. But it doesn’t have to be your destiny. And it certainly doesn’t define you. I think, ans know, that you hold so much more beauty within you than just these ups and downs and the inner turmoil it creates each time.

I know you’re tired, and I wish I could have all the answers and guarantee how the future could be. It would be a lie to say that things get instantly better and don’t require some work on our end. However, I do know that you have all the strength and determination within you to keep trying, to keep opening new doors, to keep taking steps that you might have been afraid to take before. You have inherited a lot of burdens that you didn’t want nor asked for, and that’s unfair. However, you are absolutely able to learn to handle these ups and downs, what feels sometimes like an endless battle within you, and turn it into something that would be growth to you.

These hurdles may be familar to you, still you are not the person you were 5, 10 or more years. Not even the same person you were yesterday. What looks like similar obstacles are still felt, seen and overcome differently because you are not the same person either. You don’t forget all the things you have learned and happen to help, because you own a gift of memory and you keep carrying it with you, even when life is messy.

I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could silence your fears. But I can sit next to you and remind you that things will appear a little more clear once the storm is gone and once you will feel a little less overwhelm. Your mind probably thinks: “until the next time”! Maybe. But each time you keep learning and you keep growing. It’s takes time to see it.

Is there one accomplishment/change you’ve noticed in yourself this year that you could name here? Just one. It doesn’t have to be huge. Only meaningful. Something meaningful enough to remind you that you are not cycling and you are not stuck. I can tell that, from what I’ve seen just in this community:

  • You have worked on getting more informations about things you struggle with like BPD, just to get more insight and understanding about it.
  • You have reached out multiple times alreadry when you were feeling vulnerable.
  • You’ve been part of a SWAT Team despite being the kind of hiding and being shy (I get it, I’m the same!).
  • You have been considering a visit to your doctor + planning what you’d like of address with them, even a change of medication/dosage.

I think these are some major steps already. It’s okay to give yourself the grace and credit you deserve, especially during rough times.

I don’t know what the future holds. But I know that I believe in you and your ability to keep moving on, not despite the hurdles of life, but through them, and without being alone either. There’s an army of fighters in this community who are grateful for leading this fight by your side. Love is our greatest weapon.

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I’m sorry that life seems like a continuous pendulum for you, swinging from happy to sad and back again. But like @Micro pointed out, you’ve been growing and learning, and so the pendulums swings are not a cycle you’re lost in.

We love you, and you are totally deserving and worthy of that. We are here for you, no matter what’s going on internally.

Some motivational words that helped me: “this too shall pass”.

You have fought so hard, for so long, you know that this saying is true. You are one of the most supportive ones here, and you share your stories with us and help us all, everyday.
You’ve used all the pain you’ve gone through to ease the pain of so many here.

I’m grateful everyday to call you my friend. Thank you for fighting, and thank you for letting us all know your beautiful self :smiley:

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@Micro

The song is beautiful and I’ve never heard it before. Thank you so much, it was very healing. My boyfriend listened to it with me, holding me in his arms (which he’s done a lot of today). He loved it too. You are so supportive of me and everyone else here. The amount of thought, compassion and love in each word you write is felt in my heart. I love you my friend.

Yes, I’m not sure if you know what favorite person is with BPD, but it’s when I put you on a pedestal and rely on you to regulate my emotions and be always there for me. Even without you knowing that I attached that role to you and it could even be a para-social relationship. Where this person doesn’t even know you.

Anyway, I have coped with not doing that here with a couple people.

This made me laugh and it’s true, I did think that. I know every single person who deals with depression and self harm has to do this too and it hurts my heart to think someone could be feeling like me or even worse. I know there are a lot who suffer more than I do and in different ways that I don’t understand. My heart goes out to them.

I’m feeling better and out of the worst part of this and I think one thing that gets me thru it is knowing it’s temporary and that I’ve gotten thru way worse in the past. It just scares me to think about the possibility of letting my paranoia get the better of me and listening to the voices. I’m scared of feeling that madness again…

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@Sita

Thank you for lifting me up. You’re insights help me to think a different way and I appreciate that. :hrtlegolove:

Thank you. It breaks my heart to hear all the pain shared here.

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Hey Lizzy
The point is that you are important my friend, you are special, you spend so much time helping other people, telling them they matter, you have become an important part of my life by joining my group and you are such a joy to know. That of course does not diminish your feelings Lizzy, it does not take away any pain from your body, If only words could do that.
@Micro has hit the nail on the head with every kind word as always, You most certainly have a purpose, a point, a destiny and you are succeeding in it everyday, we see it , we see how amazing you are and how you fight back. But dont ever be afraid to take a break, its not a weakness to rest.
Lizzy, Thank you for being the wonderful person you are and thank you for all that you do. Love from me. xx

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@Lisalovesfeathers
Your words are very encouraging, thank you for believing in me. I’ve been really enjoying being in your group and getting to know you. You’re a delight :hrtlegolove:

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I was thinking about this question a lot today.

My answer in the original reply to this was that I hadn’t created a “favorite person” here. I have really tried very hard not to do this because it always ends in heartbreak on both sides. It can get very complicated and I am proud of myself for controlling that so far.

I didn’t really think about the question for very long because that was the first thing that popped into my head.

In the past two weeks I identified a couple things in my life that were not healthy and I’ve made some choices that have been hard to adjust to, but have been very positive so far.

Basically, what I’ve done is step away from a community I’ve been apart of for 6yrs. I looked at how much I was putting into it and what I was walking away with. It was very unbalanced and unhealthy.

In my eyes, I wasn’t being seen and it was a very negative environment that I thought I had to be a part of for reasons fueled by paranoia. I was triggered by seeing my X’s name over and over as well. I just decided that I didn’t need that in my life and no one really gives a crap if I’m there or not anyway. It’s been two weeks of me not “working” and not one person has asked why. I’ve been online, they can see me in discord.

I just stopped showing up. Instead of “splitting” and leaving discord, blocking, unfollowing, unsubbing, banning, deleting everything I have of them and hurting everyone involved. That’s a big freaking thing. To stop that impulse, is huge.

I’m still processing, but I just feel really free right now from all the suffering I went thru for no reason. I don’t have this urgency to hurry up and get back to my computer when I have to do normal IRL things, so I have been spending a lot more time with my boyfriend which has been really good for both of us. It feels good and I didn’t hurt anyone in the process, ya know?

So, @Micro there is your answer lol. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Lizzy
It is great that you are seeing the ways you have grown as a person and also how far you have come. Truly proud of you. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thank you.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to without learning about BPD and having support from you and this whole community. :hrtlegolove:

I don’t want to have a false sense of hope either, because right now I feel strong about this…but, it’s only a matter of time that I get triggered and it all starts again.

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I know that feeling so well Lizzy. But even so after you feel low you will feel high again. It is an up and down ride. You are strong tho. You can pull through. I believe it. :wink:

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So, @Micro there is your answer lol.

And what a powerful one! Your first answer was already very admirable in my opinion. And here once again you have learned to set boundaries that were needed. That’s brilliant! But not just like that. You’ve done it in a thoughtful way that made it somehow peacefu for everyone.

That’s a big freaking thing. To stop that impulse, is huge.

Heck yes. And I understand why this lack of validation was a trigger to you at the moment.

It sounds that you really got to the right time to make these decisions peacefully, as you’ve acknowledged that there is not much to lose from it anymore. I hope though that if there are people you appreciate, they would connect with you/you would connect with them just to keep a bit of it - if there is some good to keep that is.

What an amazing step, a huge mark of progress! You’ve mentioned that you know there will be another trigger at some point, however I do remember a post of yours in which you have shared how you reacted to another trigger, in a way that remained safe. I’ve learned while exploring my own traumas how much triggers can’t necessarily be avoided - otherwise we would live a life of avoidance. But we can always learn to improve the way we react to them. The more we learn and practice, the less these triggers are powerful/hold control on us.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this response and reflecting on it.

To add to it: what about doing something you like, intentionally, in order to reward yourself for this accomplishment? It’s important to take the time to acknowledge and celebrate those steps. :hrtlegolove:

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This is key. I’ve been told so many times that I have a choice in how I react. I actually don’t at that moment, but if I take a few minutes to let the trigger wave ride I can think better. For me, I learned a distress tolerance skill with my DBT workbook that has been serving me well. It’s called REST.

This is all copy and paste, below… but it explains it better than I can.

R.E.S.T. is an acronym to help remind you to Relax-Evaluate-Set an Intention-and Take Action

Relax.

The first step of the process is to relax. Stop what you are doing. Take a breath…and pause. Step away from the situation for long enough that you do not act impulsively. Do your best to remind yourself that this is an opportunity to behave differently. It could be helpful even to say “Stop” or “Relax” out loud to remind yourself to not react quickly. This is the opportunity to take a few deep breaths to help yourself calm down before evaluating other options.

Evaluate.

Next, you can ask yourself what are the facts of the situation. It is a quick evaluation; reminding yourself that you do not have to have it all figured out and you do not have to conduct an in-depth analysis of yourself. You do not even have to solve the problem! Just do your best to have a general sense of what is happening physically and emotionally. Some questions to ask yourself can be “How do I feel?”, “What is happening?”.

Set an Intention.

The next step is to set an intention to take action. An intention is a goal or plan that you can set for yourself. Often, this is a self-soothing activity that helps you to relax and re-center. The intention may also have a larger goal such as improving communication or problem-solving strategies.

Take Action.

Finally, take action and put your plan in motion. Moving slowly and with awareness helps the intention to be more effective and decreases the likelihood of impulsive reactions to take over.

This may seem like a lot to do but with practice these steps can be completed in a few seconds and become a newly developed habit.

I haven’t really thought about doing anything like that. I’ll have to give it some thought, it’s a great idea.

You’re welcome :hrtlegolove:

Thank you @Micro :hrtlegolove: :smiley:

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I love it! And didn’t know that one at all. Thank you for sharing it! Saving it too.

I only knew the “STOP” one, which is kind of the same thing. Stop/Take a breath/Observe/ Proceed.

Kinda prefer the “REST” word though. More peaceful. :hrtlegolove:

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