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Just some random depressive thoughts

I’m starting to lose hope that things will change… and yes I have been talking with my therapist about it… and yes I’ve been told many times that this is a long process… but it doesn’t take those feelings away… Being told that things will change, doesn’t magically change that feeling of hopelessness. I know that times are tough for everyone right now and I’m trying my best to hold on, but if I’m completely honest, I don’t know anymore what I’m doing all of this for… because if I’m 100% honest, I’m stuck again… and if I live the same way 6 months from now, than what’s the point? I’m just gonna be miserabel and in the end nothing has changed. Okay maybe one thing: I might’ve lost my family in the process of all this… so I’m even more lonely than I was before everything. I just keep slipping further into a feeling of loneliness (even if there are people online… there’s no physical thing…) and hopelessness. And the latter because more and more freedoms are being taken because of the virus. I get that it’s important to have these restrictions to keep people save, but somehow I’m always the kid that never gets picked in school. There are people that quarantine together, but the people I would want to quarantine with either already have a buddy, or live too far away… And I’ll just tell them that it’s fine, I’m gonna be fine. but if I’m 100% honest, I don’t know if I will be fine… I haven’t been this low in a while, this hopeless, this alone. It’s like I could disappear and no one here, irl, would ever know. Hell maybe they would be glad because they finally wouldn’t have to deal with me. I know I would be glad if I could have a break from myself, so I can imagine other people being relieved as well…
I’m sorry for this rant and this cacophony of words, feel free to just ignore anything I said… just needed to get something out of my system I guess…

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Hi friend, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. And I know you said these ae just random depressive thoughts, but they are valid thoughts. And you are valid. You’re important. You’re wanted and you’re loved.
I know what it’s like to tell people that you’re fine, and you’re going to be fine; when in reality you’re not. It’s times like that when we need to reach out. Even if we just want someone to listen whilst we talk. It’s good that you posted here, and I’m proud of you for that. I really am.
Hold fast, friend <3

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Dear Nyn’,

You’re important to me. I care about you. Thank you for sharing all of this. :heart:

Being told that things will change, doesn’t magically change that feeling of hopelessness. I know that times are tough for everyone right now and I’m trying my best to hold on, but if I’m completely honest, I don’t know anymore what I’m doing all of this for… because if I’m 100% honest, I’m stuck again… and if I live the same way 6 months from now, than what’s the point? I’m just gonna be miserabel and in the end nothing has changed.

Yes. Even if you know that something is true, there is still a need to deal with the present circumstances, that’s true - and so important. With lockdowns and all the loneliness that increased, we are forced to slow down and shift our perspective. We need to learn, more practically, what it means to live in the present and not overlook the future. Otherwise we feel like our life is in parenthesis, and we end living for an unknown tomorrow, which is a perfect recipe to feel both helpless and hopeless.

You are alive right now. You are breathing. You are living, and not only for the promise of a tomorrow. Every step you take today is worth it, no matter how big or small. Your future you will thank you for the efforts you’re gathering to take care of yourself now, for not giving up on all the opportunities you’ll meet, lockdown or not. Things changed and a lot of what we knew before is on pause now. But your life is not on pause. Your capacity to take care of yourself and do things you like is not on pause. It’s different, I know. And not knowing where we’re going is even more difficult than a real grief, because we are tied between hope and defeat. We have to be creative, to learn new ways.

However, you don’t know if you’re going to live the same way 6 months from now. And even more: you have the power to do things differently, to create new habits, to break down your routine, step by step, so you make sure those 6 months won’t be as you fear. From our actions, we build hope, as we realize that we’re able to do so much more than we thought at first. I hear your fear, Nyn. It is so understandable and certainly something that many of us share collectively, if not everyone. There’s so many things we can’t control right now that are incredibly overwhelming. It’s in those times that we need to focus even more on what we can do, so fear doesn’t take the best of us.

There are people that quarantine together, but the people I would want to quarantine with either already have a buddy, or live too far away…

It sucks so much that travels are limited right now, and it might take a little time with the new covid mutation, but there will be a time when it will be possible to travel again. And when that time comes, we’ll see each other again. I can’t say when. I can’t say in which circumstances, but I want you to hold on to the knowledge (not a belief) that you’ll see again all the people who love you and care about you. Hell if we need to get dinosaur suits to be able to hug each other, we’ll do.

In my darkest days, knowing that there will be a time when I’ll see again the people I’m loving from a distance is what helps me to hold on. I live for the pursuit of those hugs. The pain and hopelessness are still there, but they become less overwhelming compared to the amount of love I want to give. Your heart is your ally, your anchor. Hold on to what you believe in, to your passions, to the dreams you want to achieve. They are not gone. Just like the love and care available for you isn’t gone. In the midst of a pandemic, it actually grows stronger.

And I’ll just tell them that it’s fine, I’m gonna be fine. but if I’m 100% honest, I don’t know if I will be fine…

You will be fine, Nyn’. You will be fine because you’ll keep going. Because you’ll take care of yourself during this nightmare-ish season. The circumstances are new, but your capacity to take care of yourself isn’t. You’ve already succeeded many days because you are here. You have the knowledge and strength within you to know what is good for you or not, to know what is healthy or not, to know what is right or not. Don’t let the lies spiraling in your mind telling you otherwise. Keep shouting a huge “NO” to them.

It’s like I could disappear and no one here, irl, would ever know.

I hear you. This thought is heartbreaking and I’m sorry you’re struggling with it friend. I remember having it when I didn’t have a roof over my head 10 yrs ago, and the thought followed me for a couple of years, as a student. I never felt such loneliness and at the time my only connection with someone was with my partner who was living at 800+ kms. It’s a painful thought, but the intensity of that pain doesn’t make it true. If you feel like you have no one who would notice, then please hear me when I say this: I am living “irl” too. I would notice. I care about you, a lot. And if you need to give me a way to be in touch with your family or your roommates to make it more real to you, on your end, then please do.

I know you want a break for yourself, friend. I wish I could have a break from myself too. I’m tired of tearing up when I wake up, of feeling this chest tightness almost all the time. Tired of feeling vulnerable and without any purpose. Feeling like floating in this nothingness of time and space is difficult and we weren’t prepared for it. Sometimes it feels unreal, but most of the time it’s also way too real and present.

I hear you, so much. I hear your exhaustion. And you did the right thing by sharing your heart here on the Support Wall. Because you are not alone, and there is no need to struggle silently. Your heart, your voice, your life matter. And you know there is a huge, huge amount of love for you right here in this community.

It doesn’t matter how many times you have to open that door. What matters is to do it every time you need.

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Hi!

Someone kind once told me, only the weak ears give up!
It doesn’t seem to me you are weak.

I can relate to your post, but its not about me, its about you!

All you need is to be 1% stronger every day :slight_smile:

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Thank you all for your responses. I know that this isn’t an easy fix with just take this pill and it’s gonna be better, but I really appreciate you all for responding. I guess I really should learn to live more in the now and to appreciate the small things, but sometimes even that can be very hard… It’s good to know that I can just come here and just spew my thoughts. Thank you for listening (or reading in this case) :hrtlegolove:

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