Don’t know if it’s a journal thing or support thing… but we’ll see where I put in, right? For years, I’ve been struggling with depression and in this past year I’ve started to understand that I actually have 2 kind of related depressive things… On the one hand, there’s my usual depression which, with medication, is manageable… but the other one… is the one that comes by for 1.5 weeks out of the month… and it’s tied to my period… and it’s not manageable with medication… it makes me feel useless, it makes me feel worthless, it makes me harm myself, but it also makes me think that suicide is an option… even though there are people telling me that it’s not… I don’t know how man times I can go through that again… even if it’s “just for 7 to 10 days” out of the month, and yes that’s less long than it was before, it’s still difficult… it still sucks… it still makes me want to go away and hide until everything is over again… until I’m me again…
Today I had a barbecue with my family and in the end I was tired and grumpy, not because I didn’t want to be there, but because I’ve been fighting these thoughts while I’ve been trying to act like I’m fine… and even though my family knows I have a depression, they would still want everything to be “perfect”… I know I ruined their day… I know that I shouldn’t have come… but I went anyways, and now I just ruined it for everyone, because I wasn’t … me… and I was grumpy, tired, stupid, and ungrateful… even though I didn’t want to be, I know that’s what they think…
Everyone just deserves better… My brother deserves a better sister, my parents deserve a better daughter, my friends deserve a better friend… instead everyone is just stuck with me…
sorry…
I hear you, see you and feel you. When people say “it’s not as bad as it used to be”, doesn’t mean it’s any less hurtful or hard. Doesn’t make that time easier to move through. Doesn’t take away the feelings and the voices.
It shouldn’t have to be shrugged off as something that just happens or a part of life.
I do hope that you’re keeping in contact with your dr and talking to them through this.
I know from the little I have spoken or interacted with you that you feel like you’re a burden to those around you, I promise you are not. I know those feelings of needing to apologise simply for talking or even making eye contact.
Your existence is real and treasured. You’re valued and loved. It’s hard to reconcile that maybe right now in your mind, but it’ll never be less true.
Hey @nyntje,
My heart goes out to you so much. It’s definitely not “just 7 to 10 days” out of the month. It’s freaking half of a lifetime until getting the freedom of having no periods anymore. And it’s the other half spent to recover, deal with the shame and need to catch up on everything… I’m slowly understanding way much more as well with my own struggles with PMDD, and it feels like looking back my life has been so heavily impacted by this sh*t while not even knowing. Spending so many years believing that there must be something wrong about ourselves is not without an impact. On top of just having these heavy emotions and vulnerability that exacerbates our fears/worries and hurt.
You are not a bad friend, a bad daughter or sister. You are a strong woman who’s been dealt with some shitty cards at the hormonal lottery. It’s not your fault, and blaming yourself for having these mood shifts, pain and ongoing vulnerability would not be fair. You didn’t ask for this.
Have you talked about this with your doctor? With a specialist as well? I know you’ve mentioned that it’s not manageable with medications, but there are actual meds options for these struggles. But it needs to be discussed with professionals who may be more aware of it as well and trained for it. I personally can’t have access to any other medication (birth control) because I’ve already tried in the past. But I’ve read quite a bit about people feeling better finding the right adjustment or even finding the right antidepressant. If you haven’t explored these options yet, then I’d like to encourage you to do so, because you’re not necessarily left without any possibility there. It’s worth exploring because it’s about your health and your quality of life.
On a different note, I would encourage you to try to track your cycles and journal a few key words regarding how you feel on a regular basis. The more you will understand how your body functions throughout each month, the more you’ll have the possibility to anticipate these changes and make sure that you set appropriate commitments, etc. depending on it. It also helps as it reminds you that it is not a “you” problem but a biological issue. It’s a long process with lots of “try and fail”, but with time you get to know your body better and develop new automatism to take care of yourself at a given time of the month.
I understand thought that right now all of this probably sound too hard, too much and too impossible. So take all the time you need to ride this wave, and please make sure to consider these options once you feel emotionally safer.
You’re loved, Nyn. I know this is so hard, not discussed enough and not understood enough. Please know you are not alone and there are ways to help yourself/be supported through this. How you feel is valid. Please don’t associate your worth to your struggles, because it does not define you. 
Hi nyntje
Just to reinforce what Micro said about seeking medical help. It really sounds like it’s a hormone thing and that most certainly can be managed with meds. To be sure tho, you should get a proper diagnosis. It could be that easy to fix.
I’m going thru menopause now, but when I was young and it was that time of the month, I felt pretty much the same way. My mother got me me in to see a doctor and they put me on something that made me feel sooooo much better. I wish I could remember what it was, sorry.
I think when you have depression, being on your period just makes it worse.
When I told my psychiatrist, they told my that they couldn’t officially diagnose me. because even though it’s a thing that happens and there are more people who have similar symptoms… It’s officially not a thing…
I do get anti depression medication… And for my depression it works… For this however… It doesn’t do enough… And to keep building it up in general might not be the best idea… Sorry…
What do you mean by this? Do you mean like a mood journal?
What do you mean by this? Do you mean like a mood journal?
Yes, and track of your symptoms (emotional, physical) but based on your hormonal cycles (Day 1, Day 2, etc.). So you actively know over the months when your mood is likely to change a certain way. I personally only needed to do that once as my symptoms are regulated like a clock, but you may have to do that for a couple month - it’s different for everyone. The idea is that you can anticipate more and more, and make sure to take the right actions preventively (need a boost of vitamins at this time, more sunlight at this time, to slow down at this other time, etc.).
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