i think that i realize that it’s not other people i’m afraid, but myself. i kept talking about how i was scared i’d get hurt and that i couldn’t let anybody in, but in reality, i don’t care if i get hurt. in fact, i WANT to be hurt. what i don’t want is for me to hurt other people. i was talking to somebody earlier and i guess i hurt their feelings because they won’t talk to me now and they’re tweeting sad stuff, but, i didn’t mean to. they kept talking about how they dislike their appearance and themself so i said reassuring words and they said “oh you care about me” but i said that i don’t but it’s just that i wouldn’t want anybody to feel bad about themselves. i see how my words could have come off harshly but i didn’t mean it like that… i just met the guy, it’s not like i’d die for him… he probably hates me now anyways so i guess it won’t even matter. this did make me realize that i’m more scared of hurting others than getting hurt though… i’ve been putting on this tough guy act and acting like i don’t care about anything but really it’s just me suppressing/repressing my emotions and now i guess they’re coming out. i count this as a breakthrough i suppose.
i’ve also been happy these past few days because i have hope for something’s but i don’t like it. i don’t like being happy. sadness and pain is my comfort and that’s all that i want…
HI @echo thank you for sharing your breakthrough on your inner world. It’s not easy to evaluate our emotions or thoughts but you did that and learned more about yourself. That’s great! I appreciate that you were willing to share that with us and I hope it helped to put it into writing as well.
You say that you’re not as afraid of getting hurt but I would ask you to spend some time considering a few things. At the end of your post you said that you don’t like having hope or being happy. I had a period in my life where I also felt like feeling happy didn’t feel right and it was more comfortable and easy to instead be sad. It’s hard to explain but I think I know what you mean by that. Is it possible that you feel more comfortable being sad because when you feel happy/hopeful then you may be let down or hurt? I know that was partially the case for me. It’s like doing things outside your comfort zone.
As scary as it is to feel different things like happiness or hope, it is great that you’re in a place where you can experience that. It can be scary to feel that if you’re used to living in a state of sadness. My hope for you is that you are able to let those feelings in for a bit and to settle into them. You are worthy of happiness and love. You are worthy of a safe space to feel those things. You are loved and amazing just as you are. Thank you for sharing.