Just the everyday aloneness

Hello, I’m a transgender boy from Sweden. I’m 16 years old.

So I have had this problem for a while, it’s complicated to explain but everytime I am alone I just feel worthless, that I should quit this world and leave everything behind. I feel this every night and I still feel this even if I know I have good friends and everything.

Everything started when I was about 7, I was in the beginning of serious bullying. In the first years of bullying I was starting to be more left out and false rumors was starting to spread. After dealing with the teasing and being beaten up for about a year almost every day I had thought about taking my own life and started to think about that the world would be better without me. And I was only 8, already thinking about suicide…

In the 2nd year of the bullying it had actually started to be less and less of it for me but then a person from another school was going to go in my class and that’s when the trouble was going to start soon again. He heard about the false rumors within a few weeks and then after that he teamed up with someone else in my class I started to get punched, kicked, my work ruined and being stalked. This went on for a good time before they changed school. I was 10 at that time when that ended.

After all of that has ended I was being alone, noone wanted to help me and noone would pick me no matter what the pairwork was. That went on for about half a year until one girl in my class actually wanted to be with me just because she had a crush on me. So everything after that actually pretty good until I got to a new school. At this time I was starting to feel depression even if it was weak.

Being 12 years old I started in a new school, I meet new people and I thought everything would be ok… I was very wrong. A few weeks in I noticed that some people from another school that I started with actually already knew a little about me already. That started to scare me and my stress getting higher all the time from thinking about it.

More weeks passed and one day the person in front of me was texting in a group chat with quite a few people in it. When he walked away with his phone turned on I looked in the chat and the people there was talking shit about me and how dumb I was. When I saw that I just walked back to desk, starting to secretly cry. When he came back without thinking I grabbed my pen and stabbed him right in the back and ran out the classroom. After that day I was know to them as a “psycho”. Lucky they left me alone physically but they still threaten me with “we will kill you” “hope you never wake up” and more along those lines.

Now I was 13, there was about 20 weeks left of school and I started talking to a girl at the bus stop every day when the school ended for the day. She was really nice to me and really understood me.

The summer holiday came, I was spending most of my time alone and after a few weeks in I was starting to feel depressed and I have even thought about thought to commit suicide. I also started to hurt myself.

First year of high-school, on the first day of it I ran out of the school crying because I was afraid of everything that could happen and I still had my depression. After a few weeks false rumors was being spread again and I was really angry about everything, my life, my school, the teachers, the pupils… everything.

One day somewhere In the middle of everything our bus was full with people and the girl I have been talking to sat next to me because nobody else wanted to and we started to talk again on the bus. Even if it was just for a few minutes we really enjoyed it. After some time passes I noticed she was actually blushing a little everytime she came to sit next to me but I never asked why. Not long after that she game me her number. Then the first time I visited her she kissed me, it was a long one too and that was my first kiss. At that time I was really happy and I felt like nothing could hurt me. We held each other’s hands in school, we kissed when nobody looked and that was the best year of my life…

Then came the day she broke my heart, she left me a message saying “You’re a really good person but I think we should just be friends” if I explain it as short as possible.

The days passed slowly and I knew I was still getting cyber bullied. Every time I went to the cafeteria to eat lunch I just stared at my knife for the longest time and thought about cutting my throat or stab myself. I was close one time. I had thoughts about that I would forever be alone, that I’m not good for this world and I had already started to lose my trust for everyone and I even lost my empathy. I never cared about anyone getting hurt anymore in any way. I’m 15 at this time.

High-school ended, I was finally going to college and I was finally getting a lot of new friends. I love it here…

…but… whenever I am alone everything comes back, I feel depressed, unwanted, not worth, forever alone, that nobody cares about me…

And I’m afraid to tell anyone… I’m scared that no one will understand me.

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Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story here. I know talking about things like this can be scary and uncomfortable. I’m sorry for what you had to go through for so long. I cannot imagine the pain and isolation you must have felt. With depression, I feel as though it is easy to feel fine one moment among friends and family and then have everything feel like its closing in on you the moment you’re alone. So, I understand how you can feel the way you do despite knowing you having good friends and whatnot.

Depression likes to tell us lies that we aren’t worthy, no one really cares and that nothing we do matters. I would encourage you to challenge those thoughts and feelings though and know that not one of those lies are true. Even when these feelings may seem overwhelming, please know that you have a whole community to support, love and encourage you. We believe in you!

~Hannah Rhodes


Yeah, deppresion is not a good thing and I don’t even know how I survived this long. But I’m glad that I do just so I can hope that everything will go away eventually. :heart:


Thank you for sharing your story and experiences within this community. I’m so sorry you had to go through rough times at school with bullies and abuse. Sadly bullying is a big thing in academics and still is to this day whether it’s small, big, verbal, or physical. For you to come here on this page and share your story tells me you’re more courageous than all those bullies put together👊 You may feel alone but to this community, you are loved, important, and family. Good luck in college. We are so proud❤️

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Hey friend,
Thanks for sharing your story, that shows a lot of strength and courage! Can I just say I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’ve fought through all of these terrible circumstances and made it to today. That’s amazing. You’ve been through some awful things, so it makes sense that those experiences still haunt you sometimes. It takes a long time to heal, even once things have gotten better. But sharing how you feel is important. You should. Whether that’s with a friend you trust or in a more therapeutic setting like with a counselor. It’s important not to keep these feelings inside. And it’s gonna be hard to trust people after how much you’ve been through with bullying. I get that. But it sounds like you’ve got some real friends now, and maybe you can learn to trust them and share your story and feelings with them. Isolation is the enemy of healing. When we’re alone, it’s so much easier to believe the lies that we’re unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. But those are lies! You are loved. You are worth more than you’ll ever know. You are wanted. You are worthy of every good thing and feeling. You can be understood. People do care. You and your story matter.

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i hope everything is going well for you and being strong about sharing ur struggles and that hope everything is well for you

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Yeah my childhood was a nightmare as well. I understand what you’re going thru. May I suggest getting a pet to leviate the loneliness at least a little. Is it feasible?


@MentallyillGamer well, we have a few cats but they always like to stay outside, even if they come in it’s only for a few minutes.

Hey friend,
Thank you for sharing your story and being open with us. You are so so strong and brave for making it this far and you should be so proud of yourself. It takes an enormous amount of courage to go through what you have with the bullying and the constant abuse received from the people around you

I know sometimes its like everything’s going right but you’re constantly worried about something going wrong, I know how hard it is to feel sad even when there are so many things to be happy about, it’s so rough but try when your in those moments when you feel like that to produce some positive out of it. Write poetry or song lyrics, if you play an instrument play it or sing. Find a way for these sad moments to be turned into a positive.

I personally really love slam poetry, whatever you could imagine, whatever you are facing there is probably a poem about it. It’s really helped me through some of the stuff I’ve faced maybe it can help you, if not listen to some music it usually helps me when I’m alone [What’s your song/band rn?]this link goes to some songs people in this community have shared, maybe listen to a few?

You are not alone, we are all here for you and we all love you.
Hold fast friend,
Luna :heart:

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It is not shameful to bribe these cats with treats so they’d stick around & spend time with you.